In this situation, would you be angry with your child?

[emkana]

Dd1 is 7 and in year 3, at a junior school where she started three weeks ago. They have monitors for different jobs on a weekly basis, one of them being coming in early in the mornings to unstack the chairs. Yesterday dd's friend was asked to do this job for the week, and she in turn volunteered dd to do it with her. Dd didn't want to but didn't say anything. This morning she told me about it and said she didn't want to do it, I said she had to and it was only for a week etc. When we got to school dd had a complete meltdown, totally refused to go in. I pleaded and reasoned with her and got cross, completely embarrassing scene ensued, but she wouldn't budge. In the end I walked away, and one I did she went in and did it.

Now I can't make up my mind whether to be angry with dd or not. She comes across as quite confident but is really quite shy, so she didn't tell the teacher she didn't want to do it, and that's also why she didn't want to go in this morning I think, because the teacher was in the room and dd was feeling too shy. So is there any point in getting cross with her, when she was experiencing genuine fear, even terror the way she was going on? On the other hand she could control herself once I was walking away...

very unsure what to do.

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its done, i'd forget it and act normal when picking her up

No i wouldn't be angry but at the risk of looking like a helicopter parent I would have gone in with DD and explained the problem to the teacher.

I would have gone in, but dd absolutely didn't want me to do that either!

I would have told her she didn't have to do it, taken her to school at the normal time and told her to tell anyone asking why she didn't do, to explain that she never said she would!

These things are big to kids but small to us. I would also follow this up with a lesson about not feeling she has to do something just to please other people..unless of course its something she MUST do, like going to school...can you tell I've been here before :)

I too would act normally when I collected her. OP, won't her turn to be chair monitor come round naturally anyway? Will she be made to do that job?

you were probably right to be angry with you then (or to push her to do something she did not want, to do) as 7 is probably old enough, but my guess is that if you said something to her on the lines of how proud you are of her for doing this you would make her very happy

Working in a school, have seen this from the other side, and (even though you'll have picked her up now and hopefully had time to discuss with her why she feels like this and tell her how proud you are) really would raise it with her teacher.

When task like this get assigned we assume that kids can be persuaded to want to do them and (on the whole) they are eager for them. There are also obvious reasons why they should be encouraged (an act from her which helps her whole class, a bit of responsibility etc.). But I've never heard of anyone forcing a child who has been picked by a classmate to do the job-instead we tend to ensure that all kids get picked at some point for most jobs and to try and persuade the child concerned to volunteer (many teachers keep lists). Think you should have a word with the teacher,(s)he has helped create a problem and should be responsible for fixing it-not you.

So update - picked dd up and she has decided that the reality was not as bad as her fear and that she will finish her chair stacking duty for the week. Felt utterly rubbish (cold) this afternoon so unfortunately got it all wrong again by going on too much about how I didn't like the scene she caused this morning, instead of praising her for overcoming her fear and deciding to see it through.

Feel like rubbish mother from hell!

But if chair-stacking duty lasts all week, you've got lots more days to tell her how proud you are of her :)

I think you could have been more supportive, give her a cuddle & suggests she give it ago. .... My DD is now a yr 3 & the majority of kids are tired out from new routines. So give her a break & help her to help herself.

However, I do understand it's frustrating when they won't do, what seems, to be quite a simple task.

100% agree that you should tell her she's done well overcoming whatever fear she had AND I think an apology from you for being cross would go along way.

We've all been there (& not for the last time!), a bit of kindness & patience in these circumstances go far. Hope you feel better soon.

Hey Em, isn't it always the way, though? Doesn't matter how much you plan the 'right' way to handle things, what actually happens is often quite different... because you are tired or ill or forgetful or distracted by something else. But dd will survive and you will remember to tell her you are proud of the way she's coped with this and overcome whatever it was that was making her nervous.

Dunno what it is about Yr3 btw but ds is also becoming oddly nervous about stuff that has never worried him before. (Wonder whether I told him I was proud of him for trying out chess club despite being worried about it...?)