DD's friend being very odd and a bit unpleasant

[OrmRenewed]

To help DD get over her sadness about moving from her primary school and missing her friends, we let her invite 2 of them for a sleepover last night. She was very excited.

All went well last night. This morning the girls were a bit overtired but OK. Bit of bickering ensued whilst making cupcakes but nothing untoward. Later on DD came running in to the house to fetch me. She and one of her friends has been having a tug of war with a skipping rope, DD had let go and the end had hit the other girl in the face. DD kep saying sorry and I got her a cold flannel to ease the pain. No blood, no bruising but it must have hurt. Anyway girl went into major stop - refused to talk to anyone. A little later I overheard DD saying sorry again and the girl saying 'if you were really sorry you'd let me hit you in the face with it'. At which point I went out and took the rope away.

A little while later the girl asked to be taken home clearly still upset. DD played with other friend for a while longer but the mood was spoiled.

DD was furious with me. She would rather have let the other girl hit her as 'punishment' than have her cross. I tried to explain that an accident was one thing, deliberate causing of pain quite another.

What should I have done? No matter how I look at it I can't see I was wrong. But I still feel guilty somehow.

Possibly in the other child's home situations are handled differently and she expected your dd to receive a physical or severe punishment? Perhaps she was put out when this did not happen? Perhaps she is a child that is particularly sensitive to either pain and/or feeling that someone has treated her badly?

Are they approaching teenage years? Possibly she is a bit hormonal/moody.

fwiw I think you dealt with it well. :)

You did the right thing.

She's 11 so might well be hormonal. We don't punish accidents - they were both doing the same thing so why punish one without the other? Very odd.

you did the right thing - but that's small girl logic .. it's odd isn't it

i think you did the right thing, but i'd have a word with the girl's mum to let her know exactly what happened and how it was handled.

Fwiw - i have found that groups of 3 girls can be quite tricky.

No, you are absolutely right, accidents shouldn't be punished. However I have seen some parents come down very harshly on dcs in this type of situation; no idea why.

You did fine. Some kids are just really odd re accidental, or in fact any, injuries. One of DS2's friends (12) had a major strop after a fairly innocuous accidental football injury recently - it went on for hours. AFAIK he still hasn't managed to forgive DS2 - weird.

So don't feel guilty - I guess this is something non-forgivers just grow out of.

Neve come across a non-forgiver before. Here we might have shouting and rows but forgiveness fairly soon. I think I prefer it.

You did the right thing. I would deffo have told the mum what have happened. Girl sounds a bit of a drama-queen tbh and I can imagine her telling her mum that your dd hurt her, without mentioning that it was an accident.

had not have

Her mum wasn't there when DH took her home - only her big brother - guess I'll have to make a call.

Something to consider though. Perhaps following the cupcake squabble, the mood was already a little bit spoiled and your DD let go "accidently on purpose" as my sister and I used to accuse each other . Then she may have felt incredibly guilty, and that's why she felt she should be punished with a return hit in the face from the friend? Sounds like there was already a squabble going on at the time of the incident, what with the "tug of war" over the skipping rope.

Even if it was presented by all parties to you as an accident, the friend probably wouldn't have accused your DD directly to your face but would have stropped, and your DD wouldn't likely say I did it accidently on purpose, because at that age it's hard to articulate the percentage of accident and purpose. Sometimes it can be an accident but you're glad it happened.

Anyway, you obviously did the right thing in not letting your DD get hit in the face back! There is no justification for that and it sets totally the wrong tone if your DD thinks you would ever stand by and let her deliberately be hurt no matter what the provocation. Also two wrongs don't make a right.

Could be girlsworld but DD is the kindest-hearted child you could imagine.

Well everyone tells me DD is the nicest child they know. I may be wrong,so may they, but I don't think so.

Thanks sgm.

I may be feeling a bit defensive

Aww. I'm sure she is lovely and wouldn't wilfully do anything unkind. It likely was a genuine accident with nothing in it whatsoever. It's just a possibility as to why tensions were running so high.

FWIW as a child I would probably have done the same as your DD from some sense of "honourably making wrongs right". I can tell you that this most definitely shouldn't be indulged as I was a very sensitive child, and had my mum, in your shoes, given the slightest hesitation over this then I would have taken that to mean I should have received a hit back in the face, even my mum thought so, etc,etc.

The best way to treat it is with a harrumph of no-nonsense and what a silly sausage of a suggestion, to hurt someone back deliberately to "punish" them for accidently hurting you, well you never heard of such a thing.

One thing I've learned through my 9,4 years as the mother of a DD is that a group of three is a guaranteed recipe for disaster. Sleepovers are the work of the devil trying at the best of times.
FWIW, you handled it properly IMO.

Well next weekend she is going to see just one of her old friends. Got to be easier all round.