So bad considering social services

[gonewrongagain]

My dd has always been 'challenging'. However in the last few months her behaviour has got worse. She is only 5 but makes me and my dh miserable. Its difficult to describe how bad things are but this morning because I said she couldn't watch cbeebies before school she started trying to smash in the patio doors and kept pummeling the glass with her fists, she then picked up a vase and smashed it on the floor. I know and expect children to have tantrums but surely this is not normal? Last week I left her in the room with my 7 month old ds and when I came back she had her hand over his mouth, she said because he was making too much noise.

I can't manage her on my own anymore. I think she needs professional help, I don't know what to do for the best. Sometimes I wonder if social services would be able to help, but how? Or maybe I should take her to the doctors, but hate to think of her being medicated up to the eyeballs.

I feel awful. She's only 5. She has a loving stable home. We've never slapped or hit her. I have tried everything from zero tolerance to sending her to her room, taking her toys away, denying her things she loves ie seeing her friends when she's been really naughty but nothing helps.

Is her behaviour just 'naughty' or does she need specialist help? Just want to get my lovely little baby back

shoes on wrong feet? put yours on wrong feet make a joke and 'see who can put them right first' to get gold star, (buy some quickly) and of course let her win. if she wont play the game let her go out with them on wrong feet!.

my heart goes out to you gonewrongagain... my dd was very well behaved at school but let it all out at home... especially with the tantrums when things didn't go right...
she seems to react ott about many thing... even now, and she's 14!

I would go to see your health visitor, tell her how your feeling. I went down the routes of a parenting course, which gave me confidence to deal with certain situations and meet other parents going through the same thing.

have you had a parents evening at school at all, do they have any concerns for her?

I now think there may be some truth in the suggestion that it is her new baby brother who may be affecting her behaviour. On Saturday we left the baby with my in-laws and my dh and I took dd out on her own, she was as good as gold. My in-laws also had the baby for a couple of hours yesterday and again dd was an angel, she seemed to relish the time she had alone with her parents.

Am now going to try and make a concerted effort to spend some quality time with dd on her own. Hopefully this will help as her behaviour this morning before school was very difficult to deal with again!

gonewrongagain

I know how you feel! having had yet another challenging day from my DS (4.5). Like you the behaviour is only an issue with us/at home. We have just started talking to a paed about ASD but I don't understand even with ASD how he can be fine at school, well behaved, does what he is told (same as at his nursery) yet at home, does not listen to a single thing I ask/say etc., flies off the handle about the smallest thing. I know my parenting skills aren't perfect but my DD (2.5) is generally a different story so again I am not sure it is just my parenting skills.

I find it hard to keep going with this kind of behaviour as there is no escape (except when at school). I do not live near family so I am with him 24/7 and I am sure this does not help. I have signed up for parenting courses which will hopefully start soon and will await what happens with the paed. I am really am struggling to cope any more as it feels like he has been like this for years!

I had very similar problems when DS1 was 5 and like others only at home - he was a total angel at school. He certainly found it hard having a cute and funny younger brother. We had days when all I seemed to do was moan at him, while his behaviour spiralled downwards. We stuck to a zero tolerance no attention approach to his behaviour which was very hard. There were nights when I would lie on my bed and cry while he was lying on his bed ranting about how much he hated me, I was the worst mother on Earth etc. We did also try very hard to reward any signs of good behaviour.
But there is a happy ending! He's 8 now and while by no means perfectly behaved, he is generally fairly good. Family days out are great fun and we can chat for hours on all sorts of subjects and have a fantastic relationship. He's doing brilliantly at school and I'm very proud of him. His cute and funny younger brother is now 5 and has developed some very irritating behaviour, although thankfully nothing like as bad as DS1 was.
So don't give up and hopefully this stage will pass.

I too would definitely suggest you go to the children's centre for your school, or Surestart, and see about a parenting course. They are great.

At the same time, go to the school or childrens centre and ask what sort of help you can get. A referral to a behavioural support team, or an occupational therapist would be good for you I think. Also an Educational Psychologist. Your school may well be on the rota for an ed psych. Your GP may be able to help you if the school can't.

I found a book called 'Honey we ruined the kids' very helpful in this sort of thing. Sorry about the name of the book - it is meant to be sort of ironic I think!

All of the above advice about the parenting courses, and also pick your battles, especially about things like putting shoes on the wrong feet. In the big scheme of things why is this worth a huge meltdown? If the DD was uncomfortable, she would sort out the shoes herself so maybe let her make a few mistakes for herself and don't fuss about small things, develop an insight into what's worth a fight. Some children are incredibly self-directed and resistant to helpful guidance.

I like the quality time idea too.