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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD's behaviour - total meltdowns at age 9.5

19 replies

thirtysomething · 16/09/2010 19:27

DD behaves perfectly at school and teachers always say she is a pleasure to teach, but she has always been impulsive and often aggressive when she gets home from school and we are finding it increasingly difficult to reason with her or get her to accomplish tasks like homework, tidying room, even having a bath is a battle at the moment.

We all feel we are walking on eggshells and every question or request is met with screaming, shouting or a full-blown tantrum.

She has been diagnosed with some learning difficulties - dyslexia and hearing problems - but they don't really explain the behaviour.

At weekends and in the holidays her behaviour is much much better.

Does anyone have any experience of this/suggestions?

OP posts:

lexcat · 16/09/2010 19:54

Hormone would be my bet. DD nearly 9.5 as meltdowns luckily not all the time but the swing in moods can be so sudden.

Original poster

thirtysomething · 16/09/2010 20:01

Hadn't thought of that! She has always been challenging shall we say but the behaviour has definitely become more agressive recently.

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bumpybecky · 16/09/2010 20:17

do you feed her as soon as she gets out of school? try stuffing a cake bar or biscuit in her gob as soon as you see her! you could try healthy food too :)

I'm betting hormones are the main issue, but have found with mine that feeding them as soon as they get in (we're only 5 mins walk from school and they can normally last that long) helps with behaviour

BooKangaWonders · 16/09/2010 20:19

hormones/ hunger/ tiredness or a mixture of all of them! My dd is exactly the same. Also she could be 'using up' all her good bahaviour at school and has to wait til she's with you til she can let go.

ConnorTraceptive · 16/09/2010 20:23

DS is younger but after school I make him a peanut butter sandwich and drink, sit him in front of the tv and then hide for a good 45 minutes! I don't bother trying to engage him much before tea time as he's just too tired and hungry and I think needs time to switch off for a bit.

Original poster

thirtysomething · 16/09/2010 20:26

Thanks v. much for all the replies! She eats a snack on the way home as hunger lows have always been an issue. Gets plenty of sleep but finds it increaingly hard to wind down/switch off at night. Have just done some surfing and it does sound as if hormones can cause mood swings at her age...

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atah · 17/09/2010 10:20

my DS is exactly the same age and had been behaving dreadfully too over the past week or so. last night a full meltdown, refusal to go to bed, wish you were dead etc. It went on for over an hour, then he carried on this morning!!

He has had a terrible week at school, he is a bit of a goody two shoes and has been in trouble with teachers 4 times this week, 2 of them quite serious. he now thinks they have all got it in for him and aren't being fair, which doesn't bode well as he really behaves badly when he feels unfairly treated, I am quite concerned about this as he is convinced his new form teacher has it in for him and I'm sure he will soon if DS carries on as he is.

DH and I are walking on eggshells around him, but can't continue this way as its like a 9 year old is in control of our whole lives - dreading the weekend

I give him lots of food after school, he has been going to bed late so may be a bit tired, but I am beginning to wonder about the hormones because this seems such extreme behaviour and unlike him. Any remedies for hormones???

Original poster

thirtysomething · 17/09/2010 12:31

Atah our DC sound very similar! DD over-reacts to any kind of criticism at school as she usually is a goody two shoes there as well!

I have no idea about remedies for hormones although I am wondering about fish oils as they are supposed to be calming I think?

DD also continued her meltdown from last night when she got up this morning!

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daisychicken · 17/09/2010 12:40

My Ds is exactly the same - he is 8.5, behaves wonderfully in school (90% of the time) but at home is exactly as you describe - we are walking on eggshells and it is hardwork.

We notice that he eats very little during the day (his choice not lack of food offered!) so I try and make sure we have a good snack straight after school and then a big tea but I have wondered about hormones too(!)

Original poster

thirtysomething · 17/09/2010 13:52

daisy I am wondering if that is half of DD's problem (the lack of food during the day)....am going to take a lunchbox full of healthy stuff when I pick her up tonight and see if that helps her mood at all!

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Latootle · 17/09/2010 15:47

who on earth decided that children have hormone problems at 9???? I think they get to this age and then realise that they can assert themselves and they do with all these hateful tantrum that we all cant stand. I have found that the best way, is to absolutely totally ignore the entire thing. I really mean it. do not respond to anything unless a reasonable request for something food/drink. dont even mention homework/bath bed let them get on with it. They just dont understand it. Not being king of the caste and having everyone dance attendance. and it can be a very quiet source of amusement to see exactly what they resort to to get he attention. Ignore it all. It really works. Oh my daughter came down once in goggles flippers on feet snorkle to go to school, refused to take it off so I thought OK i wont battle I'll let the school do it. and of course there was a change of attitude when we got tot he school, but I didn't let her take any of it off.!!!!!!!

Stillcounting · 17/09/2010 16:06

Agree in underlying principle of ignoring the bad and praising up the good

I could not go as far as you Latootle and not let them take the frog suit/pjs etc off (I would personally find that too extreme (just my opinion) too humiliating for the child)

On the other hand, I know it's a very real pain to have to deal with this sort of behaviour and I'm probably too wishy washy.

My dd is 7 and can have days like this - she also behaves very well at school. I asked for advice because I was getting quite worried and the school (to my surprise - because it is quite strict and traditional) said "cut them some slack (within reason) when they get home, they've had a hard, long day, they don't know how to express their frustrations in a more constructive way, all the little things add up and anxiety can come out in two ways, either "fight" (angry agressive behaviour) or "flight" (avoidance, delay)".

I was a bit non-plussed by this because I didn't want my home turning in to a battle ground but I tried it - and to my surprise things have improved.

I still don't know whether I'm too strict or too slack tbh so I know that's not much help is it?!! But agree about good food and enough sleep too oh and fresh air every day with a bit of humour thrown in. I can certainly sympathise thirtysomething anyway!!

enidblighton · 17/09/2010 16:07

Erm, well I started my periods at 10, so I'm sure hormones do play a part at that age.

I think the school day can be stressful and demanding and they do 'let it out' once they get home. They're still learning to recognise their emotions and triggers at that age, the best you can do is try to help them understand it and to self-manage their behaviour.

pagwatch · 17/09/2010 16:13

My DS2 has ASD

I find that he gets difficult when he first gets home from school

It requires a great deal of him to comply with all that is expected of him at school. It is hard for him. Really hard.

When I get home after a hard day I kick off my shoes and have a glass of wine. Or I come on MN and argue with someone
He gets home. He has a days anxiety and stress and challenges. He vents at me.

He does not have the emotional dexterity to think 'I am stressed and tired and I really just want a hug' so his one dimensional response it to play up.

I have found saying 'poor boy, would you like a hug. Would you like to go to your room for a while? ' can really help
But that obviously has to be before he kicks off so it isn't a 'reward' IYSWIM

pagwatch · 17/09/2010 16:13

x-posted with enid

Original poster

thirtysomething · 17/09/2010 17:09

Some good advice here thanks! Pag I think you've hit the nail on the head - DD can't sit down with a glass of red so sees red instead!!

I like stillcounting's and Enid's ideas of ignoring the bad behaviour; I need to put that on my fridge as a mantra....I tend to give her attention whatever the behaviour, good or bad, as I've always assumed she was attention-seeking but I can see it's probably compounded the problem....

pag she has been vaguely screend for ASD by a rather tired-looking paedeatrician who decided she had ADD traits instead. Am not convinced as she is so well-behaved at school so the jury's out on that one!

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atah · 17/09/2010 21:58

thirtysomething your DD and my DS could be twins!!

Tonight DS has been angelic, as you said in your original post - weekends and holidays are better, makes me wonder if it is school problems rather than hormones - bullying/too much pressure? I don't know.............

My niece started her periods at 9 hormones can be haywire at this age, i have heard of lots of girls going through early puberty but haven't heard of boys this young - do they?

enid I must remember what you said about letting it out when they get home, I always rise and take the bait as DH says, then it descends into an almighty row - i can be worse than him but I totally blame my hormones

ohmylife · 19/09/2010 17:45

I have been scrolling through looking for behavioural issues after having just spent 20 mins crying in the loo due to dd (8). She asked me what was for tea and when I said pasta she hit the roof. 'Well I'm not eating it, I hate it, how dare you cook it for me, I want something else' etc. Of course I said that I wasn't cooking anything else etc. I know it's not her favourite thing but I only give it to her once a week and she doesn't usually get so angry. She even spat at me today! Every day we seem to have this shouting/screaming and tongue sticking out and flouncing around, followed by an apology, a chat and hugs all round, but all repeated the following day. I said to dh that it was probably on the normal scale somewhere but he refuses to believe that. He thinks it's our (my) fault because I shout at them (in my defence this is something I think I've stopped doing in recent months!). We don't shout at each other (dh and I) so it's not behaviour I think she sees.

She's a clever girl at school, academic, musical, sporty and well behaved, although she has a tendency to be bossy with her friends.

My mother in law has a strange relationship with her daughter because of her behaviour as a child and subsequently as a teenager. She says she was so foul at lot of the time they couldn't get through to her at all and she says now 'I love her but ....' I am scared that this might be me. There I've said it. That is the fear at the back of my mind because sometimes she seems so spiteful it's like a child I don't know.

Original poster

thirtysomething · 19/09/2010 20:50

ohmylife lots of what you have said like the spitting sounds like a re-run of my evening with DD! It's so hard isn't it when you just don't know how to get through to your child...No-one in RL seems to understand what I mean as when they see DD she is calm and angelic! She also hits the roof when I cook something she doesn't like.

Tonight she was finishing some homework and had a major meltdown - she kicked me for staying in the room to try to help and then kicked me when I left the room as she'd said she wanted me to leave! She seems incapable of knowing her own mind at times and lashes out with frustration. I sent her to her room for 10 mins after the kicking but then she came down and did it again! I wonder what Supernanny would say to that!

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