Favourite parent and how to stop it

[AdelaofBlois]

Sorry if this has been discussed already, obviously hard to get at form subject search.

My partner and I have always tried to parent similarly and equally-taking the same time off work once maternity leave ended and agreeing consistent values. DS1, though, has decided that I am the preferred choice when he needs physical comfort (cuddles, a kiss better) to the point where he is actually really hurtful-refusing to let my partner provide this care. In other ways DS1's much more balanced, and clearly has some activities he prefers to do with my partner, but he clearly does have a preference for me.

I've always been afraid of doing anything, thinking that that this sort of comfort isn't wanted much later anyway, and that part of DS1 being a person is that he'll have favourites. But it is causing real problems, and makes parenting together hard as my reactions to DS1's needs are clearly drawn into fears about the happiness of my partner. Is this just how it has to be, or can I do something to help him treat us more fairly, without making it seem like I'm some all powerful parent telling him what to like or bestowing bounty on my partner?

I recently read a book on parenting boys. They need their mums more when young and dads more when older, so it will pan out eventually. As long as he understands that you both love him (and each other)and he has access to you both, then he will be fine. You sound like great parents to me, so don't worry. If you keep saying "go to daddy" he might feel you are rejecting him.

You don't say how old but I'm assuming he's fairly young. I think these things tend to balance out though. My own DTs prefer me to read stories at bedtime but would much rather play cricket with their dad for instance. It's hard when you're not the favoured parent but it's not like it lasts for ever.

Sometimes they just want mummy, and no amount of 'equal parenting' will change that. Other times they will want 'daddy', and it is completely up to them and whatever phase in life they are going through as to which parent is the 'favourite', even though favourite isn't really the term for it. 'Preferred at that point in time' is probably more accurate.

If they're being silly about a situation just absent yourself and let your DH deal with it. If they won't take comfort from him then they just don't get any comfort!! My DS1 will sometimes scream for mummy if he's upset at night, and when my DH goes in he says 'no, I want mummy' but as no mummy is forthcoming he will take (and very happily) the comforting from daddy.

My children (i have 3, 2 girls and a boy in the middle) do prefer Dad! There are a couple of reasons for this.

1. When I was pg with dd2 (youngest) I was very ill and in hospital a lot of the time. So the older 2 got used to Dad being the parent who was there when I wasn't.

2. After I had dd2 I was still ill due to the pregnancy and so was in hospital on and off for 2-3 years - so they were still used to him as default.

3. DH works away from home 4 nights a week. So I am grumpy always there parent, and dh is come home at the weekend fun time Dad. He does try to not be liek this, but it isn't easy, he wants to do the fun things with them cos he has missed them (also likes fun things with me ).

But now they are older - 6, 8, 10 - there is far less of a divide. They are happy with any old parent doing stuff. I think it evens out after a while. Though dd1 is still Daddy's Girl (she suffered/gained most from all my hospital admissions) and dd2 is Mummy's girl (she wouldn't go to school or anywhere else if I didn't make her, she'd always rather be with me). Ds doesn't care, as long as you are playing Star Wars Lego on the PS2 with him!!!

DS aged 2 very much wants me more than DH, he is fine with hime if I am out but if we are both together then it is always me, I find it very draining as I find it difficult to get anything done, he is getting better now he is getting older.

I should also have been clear-despite profound adoration for Adela of Blois I don't identify as female, and my partner is DS1 (3) and DS2 (1.5)'s birth mother. Think that is part of the reason why it's an issue for me-because however much we go for 'equally shared parenting' I know that something in my partner will always be more damaged by the fact they don't view 'Mummy' like this, even if they prefer throwing balls around with her (well, DS2 just likes throwing them at us both, full stop)!

Does that change the nature of the (otherwise very helpful) replies? I still think it will even out, but the pain to my partner is huge.

Sorry about seeming to interlope, and thanks again.

@FiveGOMadinDorest

That's very much my problem. And the tiredness makes it harder because it would be far more tiring to go through the conflict of refusing a cuddle, a quick kiss, or to be the shoe helper or the one that goes to the shops.

Glad it's evening out. If DS1 has the sense I wish him too, he'll soon realise which of us is actually better....

We have a similar thing with my DS (4.6) and DD (2). They both come in bed with me and DH in the morning and fight over which one can cuddle me. I normally end up with one in the crook of my arm and one on top of me while DH is alone at the other side of the bed (we have a very big bed). I really feel for DH as he's a great dad but it's me that they fight over. Not sure how to fix it.

Our example is v. similar by the sounds.

I was really concerned about DD1 (2 yrs). Right up to last month she preferred me for everything, refusing to go to her Daddy for anything (full hysteria, head-banging etc. if I dared leave the room). As a full-time working Mum the strain of bath, bed, morning routine (and even cooking tea one-handed while carrying her) was immense.

Now we have gradually worked towards an alternative routine where I bath, he beds, I dress in the morning, he gives breakfast. We worked out that if its breakfast with Daddy or no breakfast she'll go with the former! This combined with the fact that shes now old enough to appreciate rough and tumble 'Daddy-play' means that he's replaced me as flavour of the month most often now, and hes enjoying his moment in the sun!

Hope this and a heap of sympathy helps- I know what a strain it is and how upsetting it can be for the neglected one.

We found that the less favoured parent spending more time with the child was a big help. I am talking about going away for a week, or a weekend, without the other parent but I appreciate that's not always possible.

Also finding finding activities that one parent just does not do might be worth a go, depending on your children's ages. I Do Not Do computer games with the DSs, so if DS2 wants someone to play tower defence, or attack of the killer penguins he has to do it with his father.

It does seem to get better as they get older.

I found it helpful when someone said to me that expressing a preference was childish and immature. As small children the DCs could be expected to be childish and immature. My role as parent is to react calmly and help them to learn other ways to behave as they get older.

No advice I'm afraid, but much sympathy. Our DD (21 months) is going through a real "mummy" phase, and though DH says he doesn't mind too much because she's completely fine and often affectionate with him when I'm not there, I can't help feeling guilty and think it probably hurts him more than he's admitting.

Now she's getting increasingly verbal it seems worse - often if I'm with her and DH walks into the room she immediately says "No Daddy!" then goes over and tries to push him away. Then she says "Daddy sad!", as though she's deliberately trying to hurt him. I know it's not really that conscious because she's so little, she's not capable of being vindictive, but I feel awful for him. I just try to include him in things as much as possible, kiss/hug him myself and hope she follows my lead...

We have twin boys (2.6) and DS1 has a preference for my DH and DS2 for me.

It is really difficult and we don't know how to deal with it. It is probably just a phase and we don't want to make a big deal of it - but it can be very irritating (and yes, on occasion hurtful). But we have to remember that we are the adults and so when a child only wants comfort from one parent - we go with the flow and put the DCs needs first.

But for everything else (who gets to put the shoes on, read the bed time story, give dinner etc), I like Clocksptters suggestion - if you want dinner then either take it from the parent who is offering it - or go without!