9yr old can't cope with being on her own

[Mercedes]

My very confident 9 year old has turned into my shadow. If I go up the stairs - 5 mins later she appears behind me. Last night as I was cleaning the kitchen I looked round and she was standing at the door reading a book. I asked her to either help or go back to the living room. She reluctantly went back to the living room.

I have been with her in the living room all morning and went upstairs to get dressed. % m ins later she appears to say HI!

If you met her she's confident and capable but now she just can't seem to bear being left on her own.

She started back at school and was in the line up right in front of the teacher and I needed to pop into the office so I went to leave 1 min earlier and she was in tears. (This was not the first day)

Thinking back over the summer she went hysterical when I went into the garden and she couldn't find me - screaming at the top of her voice.

I don't know what to do? I don't know whether to cocoon her but that won't help in the long run or what...
I find it really hard to deal with as I've never had a clingy child.

Any advice of help please or parents in a similar situation??

There is a stage when they realise that we may not always be there; to put it bluntly that we all die. She is feeling it IMO. sit her down and have a nice calm chat with her to reassure her maybe find a book to help.

I've heard this about some children of 9/10. It's the point at which they understand what life and death is, that, basically, they're on their own and that their parents will not be able to protect them from everything any more. The great thing is that she has a very sound emotional foundation to fall back on and that this is, very probably, a temporary wobble. As ppeatfruit says, communication is the key. Give her an extra dose of hugs and reassurance and trust that she will come out of it. When she's a teenager and staying out long past curfew you might even feel a touch of nostalgia for this stage

Thanks this is all very heartening.

I was really worried that she had mental health issues cos as I type this I realise its been going on for the last 10 months.
I did ask her after she had started crying in M&S when she couldn't see me for 3 seconds what she was worried about and it was all to do with something happening to me.

She's not worried about her Dad - it all appears to be about me.

Could this tie in with the fact that she has worrying thoughts suddenly at night and the last thing she has to hear when we part is 'Love you'? and either pops into our room or comes down the stairs for what appears to be every night?

I think night time can be tough for any children who are feeling in any way insecure.

She may have seen or read something to worry her which she is transferring to real life, and as Just13more years says give her plenty of TLC.

Was there an event that signalled the start of all this? Did someone close to you/her die or get seriously ill? Or leave?

There must have been something (even as benign as a sentimental film/book/telly show) that got her into this way of thinking.

What would happen if you started letting her know where you'll be (to reassure her) - 'going out to the garden, back in a few minutes' or 'popping upstairs now', etc. Would she still feel compelled to follow you?

Have you asked her what she is afraid of, and if so, what does she say?

Hi lovely

My DD1 - whom you knew ages ago - can go through phases of maddening clinginess and weeping...

Earlybird -I do tell her where I'm going to reassure her but she starts crying and pleading with me not to leave her and saying she can't bear it.

I was out this afternoon and read some parenting books and they say I should seek professional help if it is over a prolonged period of time!

Sometimes I think its a phase cos her best friend sort of dropped her last year and she was sometimes lonely at school. Maybe its related to that. I also went into hospital for an operation last winter but it was day surgery and we spoke at the time and she seemed ok.
During the hols she didn't even want to be left with my brother and her cousins and would rather stay with us. Other times I worry immensely which is why I decided to come on and ask for advice.

Hi MI

Thanks for letting me know about your DD - who I do remember

Hmm.....that sounds tricky.

I've heard good things about this book (though haven't read it myself), but maybe worth a try?

www.amazon.co.uk/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284228800&sr=1-1

In fact, I think I may get it for dd, who is currently on her way upstairs to my office with her flute because she 'missed' me while practising downstairs in the kitchen......

I second earlybird's advice about the book.

My DSD went through this stage - she would follow me everywhere around the house - standing outside the bathroom until I had finished on the loo!! Everytime I left the room she would ask "where are you going?". This was aroud the age of 9. She is now 15 and a perfectly happy, well-balanced teenager. I can't remember how long it went on for but it was a while.

Well I got more explanation from my dd today. We were swimming and I wanted to go round the corner to comb my hair and she got really upset and when I said I told her what I was going to do and asked her to stay and look after our bags she said she knew I was going to run away and not come back.

I have no idea what to do about this and where it comes form and I know I'm handling it all wrong. In the changing room I physically pushed her to sit down to make her stay put. Afterwards I know I should have cuddled her but its very frustrating

We spoke a little bit and she said that's why she has a picture of me by her bedside - just in case I go away. Afterwards she went off happily with her Dad to the library. Maybe she is more secure with her Dad than me.

Definitely need to buy a book or get some help with our dynamics.

Just a thought ... has any of the friends parents split up over the last year or so ?? . My ds1 had a friend who's parents went through a nasty separation and 6 months later ds1 asked me when dh and I were going to split ?! poor kids had bee thinking about it all that time.

No-one's split up. She does know someone who was taken into care but that was cos her parents couldn't look after her.

Over the last year she's started reading Jaqu. Wilson and she's always been mad keen on Tracey Beaker. Perhaps they're too real for her now.

I'm just second guessing this now and feeling soo bad for handling things wrong. I get tense and get wound up. Crap.

The same thing is happening to a dear friend of mines child, and to some of her friends at school.
Its an age thing... as said previously , learning and understanding that not everything is forever, death etc

Changes in home/life situations probably make it worse. My friend is trying to get to the bottom of it but her DC can't pin point what is bothering her or why. Nighttimes are worse.

Just reassure her you are there and she will be ok if you have to leave the room etc...

its tough but dont get tense as she may sense this and worry more.
Good luck, stay positive. x