Is ds a 'typical' boy or not?

[cheekymonk]

I'm always wary of that phrase but I can't decide. He is 5 and talks about farts and willies ALOT. We were on holiday with my Mum and he was really aggressive towards her, telling her to shut up, shouting that she was a liar, going mental at her when she was trying to clean his glasses (He just lunged at her like a tiger!) and being generally pretty horrible. He was similar with us but nowhere near as bad.
He was just so angry and aggressive and I'm not really sure what it was about/where it comes from. He is much calmer this week and happily settling into school. I think my Mum babyfies him a bit which frustrates him. He said she talks too much (which she does) and her presence can be a stifling one as she worries constantly about sun, her appearance (she didn't go swimming all week as did not want to mess up her hair! She didn't bring many clothes as all too good for a holiday etc) But she loves ds dearly and was genuinely hurt by his behaviour which was unacceptable. I did find him hard to control on holiday and we all talked to him about his behaviour earlier in the week. By the end of the week she just exploded when he pushed her and really shouted at him.
She said lthings like I am getting on the plane back home which ds knows she has no intention of doing. I told her not to expect/need so much reassurance and ego boosting from him as the more she does the more he tramples all over it. I said I was not happy with empty threats and it will make him not believe a word she sauys (hence liar!) She said its better to say fibber than liar but I hate all that fluffing up and things should be said as they are, within reason.
Ds's behaviour does need modifying, I am guilty of letting him get away with stuff whilst I have had seere sickness but am ready to tackle it again now before new baby appears. I still feel however that My Mum needs to look at how she handles ds. Any thoughts/ideas???

My thoughts are; The things you said to your mum - about dealing with/reacting to his behaviour are correct. Follow them through and be consistent; and No, his behaviour is not because he is a "typical boy".

I have 4 dc's (2 of them over 5), none of them have ever behaved in this way to their grandparents, or anyone else for that matter, sorry.

I would not allow it.

I do think it's a good idea to explain to your mother that he dislikes being babyfied.

You are absolutely right to stop this now before another child comes along.

Not "typical boy" behaviour. TBH if you a are present it is not your mum's job to "handle" your ds.

Yes, I think I knew it was more than being a typical boy. Surely though, no matter how much dh and I intervene, my Mum has to say something and has to set her own boundaries with ds of what she will/won't accept?
She has always let him do what he likes and I have partly accepted this as she sees ds so little and I do think its a grandparent's privilege to not have to continually lay down the law but I feel it has really backfired and we all need to step up a bit.

Well it wasn't really clear in your OP that she lets him get away with everything TBH it seemed quite a general moan about the type of person your mum is.

Anyhoo as you were present on the holiday it is YOUR responsibility to manage your son's behaviour. Had they been alone together the yes of course she would have to deal with it. Agression, shouting shut up and physically hurting others is not acceptable and it's your job to teach him that he can't do that to anybody.

YOU need to step up your mum needs to support you. Make your ground rules clear and ask that your mum supports them.

No I disagree, I don't think it is for your mother to set the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behaviour, surely it's the same rules regardless of who the person is.

It's for you and your Dh to set the rules for his behaviour and make them apply to everyone.

Grandparents generally do spoil dc's, ours do, but there is no lack of respect because of it.

Hmmm, food for thought. Thanks for your input x

Apart from the farts and willies thing I would say you need to address it all.

You should certainly give GPs a chance to say something when your child behaves unacceptably but they don't, you need to to step in.

Regarding the 'shut up', if she genuinely does rabbit on and not let him get a word in edgewise, could you focus on getting him to express this politely rather than aggressively so it doesn't happen again the next time he sees her?

When you say you found it hard to control him, was he acting differently from usual out of excitement or were you perhaps demanding more of him because you weren't in the usual environment? After all, if I went from a home environment where people listen to me to a holiday where someone talked all the time, I would certainly be screaming 'shut up' inside my head by the end of the holiday.

I don't think it is 'typical boy' behaviour in the sense that boys behave like it all the time, but it could be a stage that typical boys go through and does need to be dealt with before it becomes his normal behaviour. My sons have gone through similar staged, although neither have targeted their grandparents, but I have had similar behaviour directed at me.
My strategies for dealing have been a zero tolerance, one strike and your out type punishments. Not normally what I like doing, but when they're in these stages I've found that giving them second chances just encourages them. So for every time the attitude came through I would instantly take away something they valued, e.g. pudding, computer time. Other than that I would ignore their behaviour, walking away,giving my attention to other children who were behaving well. On one occasion I even locked myself and DS2 in the bathroom to read a story to get away from DS1. He soon realised that behaviour like that would loose him a treat and not gain him any attention.
I would explain to his grandparents how you're handling the situation and ask them to handle it in a similar way. This is important - it would be a triumph for your DS if he was able to play you off against each other! It may be your DS was targetting his grandmother because he knew that she would respond by being easily wound up and issuing punishments that she would not enforce.

Children crave attention and your DS will want it even more when the new baby arrives. But he needs to learn to get attention from good, fun behaviour. I found that an instant punishment, zero attention policy soon got through to my DS and his behaviour quickly became what I would consider 'typical boy' - noisy, clumsy, energetic, enthusiastic and above all very affectionate.

cheekymonk - how much hard physical excercise did DS get on holiday? A 5 year old boy is a bundle of energy and it needs an outlet.

Our DSs are always better behaved after excercise. If he was cooped up all week he was probably very frustrated.

The stupid rude words is commmon with boys.

I don't think it's typical behaviour - apart from possibly the farts and willies stuff

Don't remember ever seeing DS get angry and aggressive and shouty in the way you describe. Seen lots of his friends and don't remember them doing it either.

So I think YOU need to work out how to fix things and not try to turn it into your Mum's issue.

I agree it's not typical, but I do think boys that age can have phases of going a bit haywire, especially when out of normal routine, plus you have a baby on the way, plus school has either just started or is on the horizon? He could be kicking off because he needs a feeling of boundaries, firmness and reassurance. I think your mum's behaviour sounds like it is making him feel the opposite - she's putting emotional pressure on him and making him feel he's responsible for what she does, and that's not appropriate.

I'd take control, talk to him, reassure him, set firm rules, and listen to him when he complains about your mum - take him seriously and agree with him, but explain he has to behave too. Yes to the exercise as well.

IMO food intolerance can be responsible for inexplicable anger and also tiredness. My DH will 'kick off" after eating wheat. It' worth looking at.

Agree with what others have said..I have boys aged 10 & 8, and the younger one in particular has been through stages like this (wlthough not to GPs)

Key things to consider:

• exercise = the 'cooped up' thing happens to us too when we're with GPs who can't go at the same (manic!) speed as our family
• change of routine - holiday/ meals/different rules/people
• lack of sleep - late nights etc
• even change of diet on holiday affects DS2 - too many 'treats' (sweet crap & ice cream) and not enough veg etc from eating out

You definitely need to nip it in the bud though, and get your mum on your side to agree strategies together e.g. not babyfying/ ignoring/ 3 strikes and you lose a priviledge etc

HTH

Thanks for the further advice. Exercise could def be an issue. DS didn't want to do any of the cycling, pny-trekking outdoor stuff on offer apart from playing in the pool of course! We were in a tiny space together so yes he may well have felt cooped-in but we did days off all over the place and he seemed to enjoy the playing cards/monopoly bits best on the chalet balcony.
Yes he may have had too many treats. Mum wmoaned at lack of wholesome food but kept picking up kit kats and pringles for him!!!
Had not thought about food intolerance at all, will look into it. We ate loads of bread which was a big change in diet but back home now he is enjoying toasties constantly!!
You all bring up some really good points, thank you x