More problems with Granny

[fattybum]

I have posted a couple of times about this problem, but just wanted to get opinions really, and hopefully some advice!

I have two dss, who are two and four. Whenever my Mum is around she treats them as if they are the centre of the universe. I know this is nice in some ways and grandparents are supposed to spoil grandchildren, but it is to the point of being very irritating.

This evening my mum came round for a visit. We all had some cake, then when ds1 finished his proceded to put his plate on his head so that his hair was full of crumbs. My mums reaction was to laugh as it was just a joke, whilst me and his dad explained it was not a good thing to do as the crumbs will go everywhere.

Then he started doing a kind of raspberry in her face, but basically spitting, to which she laughed and started do raspberries back. I overlooked this because she already thinks I'm too strict and can't be bothered to constantly be "bad cop".

The last straw was when she had been playing cars with him for ten minutes without interruption, when I dared to start a conversation. After about two minutes ds1 said "no more speaking". Instead of saying "ds1 I can talk and play at the same time" or something to that effect she responded by apologising to him and stopping the conversation with me! When I questioned this, she said "well we were playing a game". Should a four year old really be dictating whether you can speak or not? My problem is not with ds1, as I feel that he just needs reminders of what is right and wrong etc, but my Mum seems to think otherwise.

Am I overreacting?

no i don't think overreacting, i agree with you. it seems like she is giving him the wrong signals, telling his mum not allowed to talk is quite disrespectful and at 4 i think he should be atleast starting to understand that?? (i dont know, my eldest is only 2, but it does sound old enough) it sounds like these things would not even be an issue if not for your mum encouraging or letting him away with these behaviours, as its quite undermining to you. have you tried to talk to her?

When we are around other people, of course he will try to interrupt/hog the attention but we explain that he has to wait or share attention and he is then fine.

I don't know why she does it because I do feel that she is teaching him bad habits and it really makes me not want to be around her with the kids because it usually ends in some kind of confrontation.

I don't feel I can do anything to change it because I have tried to bring stuff up with her in the past and nothing changes, as well as her thinking I am too strict!

Speaking as a granny, teacher ex nanny ,CM and mum of 3 I would say that you're dammned if you're strict as well if you're not. It's lovely for yr mum to really enjoy her GDs IMO.

Well, I think you are over-reacting and personally I try and pick my battles. But they are your children and your mother so it matters not what I think.

What is your relationship like otherwise? It sounds like this is about something else.

Ok. I think I am kind of glad that some of you think I am overreacting. Maybe I just need to drop my standards a bit and stop worrying about them going off the rails!

I do think this may be partly about something else, though I am not exactly sure what. Although my mum and me can be close, we do also clash and occasionally fall out. It's hard to pinpoint what the problem is.

Thanks

What was your mother like as a mother? Is part of the irritation you feel that she was not remotely over-indulgent when you were little, and it now feels like a continuation of her being excessively critical of you when she over-identifies with your child?????

Was your grandmother very indulgent of your every whim? Maybe it's just a family tradition! From your mother's point of view, it must be wonderfully liberating to be able to give unadulterated love to someone without being responsible for the discipline side of things. I can see why she indulges in it, albeit it must be very annoying for you. Far, far better that she is like that than that she tells you that you are too lax and ought to beat the boy more often...

I think whatever the cause of the annoyance, if you generally get on OK with your mother, it is best to try to ignore it most of the time and be pleased that she clearly adores your little boy (although the stopping talking to you would have annoyed me a little bit, as I still have to remind my dss that their mother would occasionally like to have a conversation with someone else without them trying rudely to drag me away, and they are 6 and 5 years old).

ps does your mother ever get to look after your children without you present? I think if she does (or ever does in the future), she may well be making a rod for her own back, as she is sending out clear signals to them that she would be a complete pushover, so might find it hard to assert a bit of discipline and control when she is put in the role of primary carer for a short while. Probably won't stop her being over-indulgent, though!

pps how would she have reacted if your ds had put the plate of crumbs on her head instead of his own?..... I am getting very amusing images in my head and should go an do something more constructive!

Your mum sounds lovely, fattybum - very patient and good-humoured. Maybe she's deliberately trying to keep out of your way on discipline issues. I always feel a bit afronted if one of the grandparents ends up being cross or feels the need to tell my children off - as if I've failed in my task. Perhaps just a gentle, 'Mum, I'm trying to teach him something here' would help? Good luck - and cherish that lovely warm relationship your mother has with your boys. They'll grow up adoring her and wanting to spend time with her - that's a gift.

no i don't think this is an over-reaction. it is quite undermining. i am in exactly the same situation with my dd1 and pils. it drives me mad, to the extent that i find it really hard to be around them when together. i am constantly bad cop, and pils do what you have described, plus even when i try to remind dd1 about her behaviour when she starts really pushing the boundaries.

I know exactly what you mean...

My MIL lets DS1 get away with murder - she just can't say no to him. Last night he wanted yet another story and kicked off when I said "No, nana and I are going downstairs now. Goodnight." MIL stood there hesitating and I almost had to drag her from the room.

When I told her she was too soft, she astounded me by saying she thought it was a type of abuse to cause emotional distress to your children by saying no to them! I almost fell over!

BUT...I recognise that it's her prerogative as his nana to spoil him rotten and nothing I say or do will change the way she is with him. She was the same raising DH.

The important thing is that he gets discipline from DH and me and that makes up for the small amount of time he spends with her. And I don't want to cause a big row over something that simply can't be changed.

Maybe you should consider whether this is a fight you want to get into...?

I think I just have to let her get on with it when she is around and turn a blind eye, as they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks! She also brought us up the same way, didn't ever want to make us do anything we didn't want to, didn't have many rules etc.

Just had a visit from my sister and brother in-law and it's so much easier! I feel like they back us up if we have to tell ds off, and will even tell him off themselves if they feel too.