Terrible twos - what are your coping strategies?

[EmmyVonN]

I have a wonderful, energetic, loving boy who is 2 and a few months. He is also very headstrong, willful and determined to do things his way. When thwarted, he will have monstrous tantrums which happens several times a day. Simple things set him off - he wants the baby to sit on a chair, he doesn't want to nappy changed, he won't get out of the carseat. He throws his food around, smears it over the table and willfully does things that he knows he shouldn't. Usually I ignore the tantrums, but I don't really think that is the best way for him - he just gets really upset and it spirals into worse behaviour.

When he gets into his dark moods, he lashes out at me and DH by biting, pulling hair, scratching. Even worse, he lashes out at the baby.

I'm sure that there are jealousy issues at the root of his bad behaviour. Sometimes, he mimics the baby's movements, sounds or insists on wearing a bib.

I feel like I'm getting it all wrong. I don't know how to respond. Yes, speaking calmly but firmly sometimes works but usually it doesn't. My long term goal is to keep repeating calmly and hope it will eventually become mantra. There have been times when I've been very angry with him, but even those horrible shouty moments don't work in the long run. Even though they can be effective in the short term, I just don't like how it affects him.

I think he is becoming old enough to ask for what he wants without crying and whingeing - how do I stop that relentless nagging crying?

This makes him sound like a little nightmare. He really is mostly delightful. But I don't really know how to deal with the dark moods which can happen so very suddenly.
What do you do when your otherwise wonderful child behaves badly? How do you get them to listen to you? And how do I make sure that DS2 survives his babyhood without too much prodding and pinching from his brother?

Oh my goodness! I just came on to start a similar thread!

My Ds is 2 on the 21st of this month, and as I type he is throwing a wobbler at my feet!

I don't really know what else there is that can be done apart from ignoring it and responding to him when there is a break n the screaming!

I have just had a flip flop thrown at me and been smacked on the leg and told to 'wake up'!

Sorry I have no better advice, but you're not alone!

when ds was that age what helped most is giving him a LOT of time outside to run around. even in the rain. at least one hour, preferably more.

I had a similar problem with DS1 pretty much from when he turned two until now, when he's 3.6yrs. He's better than he used to be, but a lot of it was triggered by jealousy of his younger brother (they have 19mos between them), and a determination to do anything to get my attention.

I tried talking calmly and firmly to him, which sometimes worked, but if he did go into a full-scale tantrum I would just put him somewhere safe, like his cot or the rug, and leave him there to thrash it out. Horrible, yes, but much easier all round than trying to coax him out of it. And when he was calm I would explain to him that it's not necessary to scream and shout to get what he wants, or to tell me he's angry, he can use words. Which has gradually worked.

And we did go through a hideous phase at the beginning of this year when DS2 became mobile and started investigating all DS1's toys, and invading his space, when I thought DS1 would tear him to pieces, but that has now passed, and although they still squabble, they do get on really well. You'll probably find that DS2 will be a much tougher cookie than his brother, and will fight his corner quite readily. My DS2 did and as a result DS1 has learnt to back off.

Your boy is doing what all children of his age do - he's perfectly normal, and you're doing the best you can. Just be patient and remember that by this time next year he will be through this phase!

It does help to hear that it's normal. Misery loves company and also, there is a small part of me that worries that it is a bit extreme. He can get quite obsessed, DS1.

We have a huge garden and I bundle him up and send him out as much as possible. He loves being out and about so that does help.

Ttalloo, until 3.6?!
We have a similar gap between the two and it's good to be prepared for more trouble when DS2 becomes mobile.

I too have a 2.5yr old, but luckily no DC2 so we only have the one to cope with.

I've found the best way to calm my LO down when he's angry or frustrated is to qualify my 'NO' or whatever, with the reason. The REAL reason.

Instead of just telling him to not rock on his chair, I explain that if he falls backwards he'll bump his head on the floor and that will hurt.
If he's messing with his food I just take it away and explain that he can have it back if he eats it and stops messing with it.

I also have other silly ways of dealing with things, if he refuses to have his nappy changed, I just tell him I'll change it without him then (he hasn't worked out the logic of that one yet!) and go upstairs as if to change a nappy. He generally insists on coming with me then ;) Similarly if he won't get out of his car seat I'll tell him i'm going anyway and start to walk off. Usually it works.

I also give him three chances to do things before I do them instead.
So, ask three times for him to come back to me, and after that I just go and pick him up and get him, whether he likes it or not.
Or count to three and if he's not done what I ask then I'll do it anyway i.e. I'll count to three and I want you to be in your car seat, otherwise I'll PUT you in your car seat.
He's normally there by 2.5 or he'll jump in when I tell him I'm coming to get him.

Basically I give him some power in his life, He's feeling VERY independent and the more choice (within boundaries) that he gets, the less he tantrums.

He still tantrums, he'd not be normal if he didnt' have a screamy fit when he REALLY WANTS a biscuit ;) but I just let him get on with getting the frustration out of his system, give him a hug afterwards and explain why he can't have the biscuit right now.

I hope that might help a little if you've not tried some of my little tricks. (the nappy one is my favourite!!!)

Em
xx

Thanks for those tips Em!
A is 2 this weekend but is acting like a two-year-old already. Giving him choices or singing helps a lot, plus chance to run about. His best tantrums so far have been about wanting more yoghurt - sometimes he'll believe me when I tell him he's already had two and his yoghurt tummy is full.

Is there any time when you should get worried about tantrums? A's best effort was over 90 minutes of yelling 'MORE YOGHURT!!!', despite attempts every couple minutes to distract him. I figure he's just inherited the stubborn genes off both me and MrNC but some other mums are looking at me funny if I mention how long he can go on for (not often, though - on the whole he's a very good-natured toddler. But still, he's almost 2...)

Love the nappy trick and will try it when he next objects.

Doesn't work in the car though. He likes to sit in the car by himself and happily waves me away.

I've found singing songs helps him to be patient. So if we're waiting for something (cheese to melt etc.) which would normally cause a screaming fit, we sing a song 5 times. Or count. But it takes so much patience and when DS2 is grizzling, it's very, very difficult for me to speak in that patient voice rather than bark orders like an American boot camp. But I try.

Notcitrus, I also wonder about time limits on tantrums. Mine can go on for a good while. I got quite worried about him earlier in the week.

Hunger and tirdeness are the biggest triggers for my DS who is 2yrs.

If he is tired and I can see is behaviour beginning to escalate then I will put him down for a nap or spend some quality quiet time with him such as reading a book or cuddling up on the sofa to watch some cbeebies.

If he scratches I tell him in a firm voice not to do that as it hurts mummy/daddy/baby etc and then if he does it again I put him on the silly-billy step for 2 minutes. Afterwards I explain what he has done wrong and expect an apology.

Em- Why do you give him 3 chances to listen to you? That is telling him that he can ignore you 3 times before you do anything. Not very productive. I give my son one chance to listen to me and if he doesn't respond (through defiance, not just because he is absorbed in an activity) then I will go and get him.

I try and explain things so that he understands that there is a consequnece for not listening to what I ask and it usually works. I always follow through with the consequence if he is still being a monkey.

He doesn't usually have huge screaming tantraums but on the odd occasion that he has I have completely ignored them and carried on with my own activity then when it is over I just carry on as normal with him. Sometimes he has needed a hug after a tantrum as he seems a bit shaken by it.

It doesnt matter how long they go on for, just ignore them, even if they vomit.

If you think jealousy is an issue, try making sure that you get to spend some one-on-one time with him during the day, without the baby and when you talk to him, get down on his level. Praise him lots for small kindnesses, good and thoughtful behaviour and have a laugh with him when you can.

On the 3 chances subject;
It gives him chance to think and make the right decision, for me it is the more productive way. And its not that he ignores me twice before doing something, its giving him a little time to think about what I'm asking of him, as he doesn't realise things as quickly as an adult doesn't. By asking him a couple of times the words seem to sink in and he makes his own decision (which effectively is my decision, but he doesn't realise that ;) ). DH sometimes doesn't give him chance to do as he asks and that leads to a screaming match all round. If LO knows he's made the right decision within my timescale and gets praise for doing it, then he'll do it again. If he knows he never gets a choice in it, then he'll just kick off the next time.
There are always times when he gets no choice in the matter, and he'll know about it. But if there's no rush or no danger, then he gets to think it through himself.

Anyways, thats my LO, they're not all the same

GOLDEN TIME is working really well in our house. We talk about being good and listening and having mummy and DS Golden time after tea. I have got a few new toys that I have hidden away and I get a new one out each day this week. He has loevd it! I think having a new sibling is testing him and he loves getting mummy to himself. Fingers crossed for tomorrow!! I hate tantrums!

Lots of good advice here. Just to add, we found with our ds1 that treating him like his baby brother in a playful way actually helped them to bond. So we did things like laying them both on the floor for nappy change, rocking them both like babies in turn, spoon feeding both. DS1 soon got bored of it and wanted to 'help' with the baby instead. Lots of ways you can get him involved - passing you wipes/nappies, wiping faces, choosing what clothes baby wears (choice or 2). This way he gets time with you, gets to make decisions and sees that the baby isn't someone who just takes mummy away from him

hth

Hi all,

Anyone use the great Naughty Step for their 2 year olds?

My ds is 2.2 and it (usually) works a charm. And it doesnt always mean having to put him on it. Just the threat of the naughty step can make him do what you want.

The other day he got himself worked up over nothing (I cant even remember what it was about) but he just kept crying and screaming for no reason. So threatened him with the step but he carried on (oh, just remembered it was because he wanted chocolate for breakfast and not shreddies!!). So I picked him up, placed him on the step and said he was there to calm down. I left him for couple of mins before going back and asking if he had calmed down, he nodded through tears, gave me a reluctant cuddle and went and ate his shreddies. :)

That is

Noddy - what do you do if your DC won't sit still? If we want DS to have a 'time out' we have to hold him; he would never voluntarily sit on a step (or anywhere) for more than a couple of seconds! We have to physically hold him still for one minute (two minutes of TO is our nuclear option) and after that he gets a cuddle. Aside from the fidgeting, putting DS on the stairs would be a sure fire excuse for him to bolt up them! How do you explain to them not to move when they're contrary anyway? Genuinely curious here - there must be something I'm doing wrong.

Naughty step worked great for ds1 but not until he was nearly 4 and we could reason with him a bit more and he understood the link between actions and consequences.

Tried it with ds2 (now nearly 3) and it just doesn't work, he won't sit there and I refuse to make it a punishment about breaking his will. Instead he is removed from the situation (either to another room or to his bedroom), he's allowed to tantrum for a minute or so then DH or I step in and help him calm down. We then explain to him why he's been time outed and he has to sorry. After which its cuddles and all over.

I totally agree with Em about the three chances things. DS is usually asked to do something ("put your shoes on please"), then told ("shoes on now please" in a firmer tone of voice) then I'll do it for him.

If I went straight from "put your shoes on please" to me doing it for him, he'd kick off every time and putting his shoes on would turn into a battle. My way, either he puts his shoes on himself when asked, or by the time I have to do it for him, he's had plenty of warning and is more cooperative....generally!

We've tried the Naughty Step and not found it to be a great success. It does work as a threat sometimes but can end up just being a battle of wills which is not great for anyone.

Some good ideas here, thanks.

Have tried the naughty step (following supernanny's instructions for use) but it hasn't helped. He will now scratch or pinch me, then put himself on the step for 5 seconds and sometimes claim his kiss. It almost gives him license to be naughty.

One of the problems is that ds2 doesn't sleep well so he tends to nap for about 20 minutes. Yesterday he stretched to an hour and ds1 and I got a rare one on one playtime. That really helped. I like the sound of golden time.

Some toddlers seem more biddable than others, I think. Mine is rather spirited - he'll scratch me and say gleefully 'mummy cry'. And then kiss it better. Hopefully some day he'll learn how to test boundaries in a more constructive way.

Have tried naughty step - didn't work.
What I DID try, and it worked a treat, is when DS & DD threw a wobbly fit, I waited until they looked to see if they were getting attention, made sure they saw me folding my arms, gave them a foul look and turned my back to them.
They knew straight away I wasn't pleased by the folded arms and stopped within about 3-4mins. TBH, they've rarely had a tantrum over 5 mins long.

It's trial and error I think because every child is different and what works for one kid may even be funny for another. Just got to find out what works for you.

BTW, has anyone tried throwing themselves on the floor in their own house and copying their tantrumming kid, to see what the child's reaction would be?