DD1, aged just 4, started Reception & is suddenly having the WORST tantrums ever.

[Avocadoes]

I am just wondering whether this is normal and how I should deal with it.

DD1 is normally well behaved. As a toddler she had a few tantrums but nothing for at least a year. She started Reception yesterday and last night she came home and hit her sister. I told her off so she kicked DD2 in the face. Her sister is only 21 months so I took DD1 to her room and told her she could not come out until she was prepared to say sorry. She went ballistic: screaming, throwing herself against her bedroom door, shouting "I hate you, I NEED you" over and over. She would not say sorry, I calmly told her to do so many times and she just screamed and writhed. This went on for 45 minutes. It was a really terrible end to her first day.

Today she came home and over dinner I told her she was going to the dentist tomorrow. I had no idea this would be worrying for her. She immediately started screaming and threw herself on the floor and bit my leg. She didn't calm down for 30 mins.

I can't explain how out of character this is. Is it normal for school to have this affect on a four year old? And how should I handle it? I am normally very strict but she feels unstable and I am not sure that shutting her in her room while is hysterical is fair during such a time of change.

I think it is completely normal for children to react to starting school in quite surprising ways - many start wetting themselves again (DS's reaction), having tantrums, being extremely tired - luckily all temporary.

Has she been attending a nursery before she started school? She may well feel furious (however happy she is when actually at school) that you and her baby sister are at home and she is not there with you, so she 'punishes' you on her return, and maybe feels jealous of her sister?

Be calm and firm and patient, and I bet it will settle down in a week or two.

Try and talk to her about the changes when she is not in the middle of a tantrum to find out what is bothering her.

She needs to know that a tantrum will not get her what she wants, continue to remove her from the situation if she kicks off.

I think your instincts are right to be less strict. One of my daughters really struggled with the start of school, and had tantrums. It took a few weeks for her to settle. It is really stressful for some little kids.

Lots of love, early nights, longer baths with toys to unwind and spending a bit longer with her reading bedtime story etc.

Hope it gets better soon.

My 4yr-old dd has been the same this week. Lots of screaming and even kicked dh tonight.

I really hope think it's tiredness. Starting school has really worn her out, even though she's currently only doing part-time.

With my dd it's a case of riding out the worst of the storm and then offering her a hug to help calm her down. Not so easy though when it's another child on the receiving end of the kicks.

I'd assume that she is very very tired and try shifting her bedtime forward to 6pm, just to see if it helps for a while. IME with DD, the tiredness almost made her regress to more toddler like behaviour - which when you are only 4 isn't a very big step back.

Agree with Nickoka.

She has expended all her "being good" energy on being good in front of a room full of strangers all day, with all their strange rules and routines.

Not only bed earlier, but feed 'em earlier.

1. she'll be knackered
2. they have to be "good" all day at school. they have to be reasonably amiable to 29 other kids. they need a pressure valve

echo blu - be patient and calm (and maybe more relaxed, less strict)

Ds1 was a bit like this when he started, too.

1. Exhaustion - both mental and physical. She might be forgetting to eat and drink properly in the day, lots going on, etc.

She might be missing you as well and finding it all overwhelming.

1. Overstimulation - like going to a huge party for 7 hours. You get home and you can't wind down till you have processed it all.

1. Low blood sugar, possibly.

But I would go with tiredness.
They are starting school in many cases far, far too young these days - ds didn't improve after a few weeks so we stayed part time, then took him out till year 1 when he was physically much more able to cope.

Give her lots of leeway, lots of cuddles. She has said she needs you and she really does.

Cuddles rather than segregation, really reassure her, reinforce that you are there for her. She might feel really frightened, as though she's sudden;y been thrown into a huge wide world on her own and you won't be there for her any more.

I agree she is probably very tired but putting her to bed earlier doesn't work. She normally goes to bed at 7pm but never sleeps before 9pm. Everynight she lies in the dark singing to herself for two hours. Nothing I can do will persuade her to sleep earlier. Tonight I put her to bed at 6.30pm and at 8.50pm I could still hear the strains of "Ten in the Bed" through the floor boards.

oh how sweet!

Ds would come in, after shouting at me on the way home in the car 'I don't want to talk about school!'
he would sit on the sofa
fall asleep by 4pm

wake at 10, crying
go back to sleep after a sarnie etc
be really hard to wake in the morning.

After a while we didn't even speak when he got in. It was a stand off, both afraid of the other's sadness and crossness.

It had to stop.

I hope your girl gets used to it quicker than my boy did!

Quite normal.
DS2 started yesterday - only mornings, in the school he's used to from nursery. He tantrummed for a good 30 minutes this afternoon, then took himself to bed (and sleep). I woke him an hour later, worried about getting him off again tonight, and the tantrum kicked off again. It only stopped when DH caved and gave him chocolate.

He did manage to play happily in the garden with DS1 and DD after tea for a bit, so not a complete disaster of a day.

Agree with OPs look at it in another way;it's much better to tantrum at home [where she can relax] than at school she does need you to show her love and recognition of her new life.

We had a very similar situation last year when DD1 started, particularly when they started full time. A combination of tiredness, low blood sugar and change of routine.

Giving her something to eat the second she left school and bringing bedtime foward helped.