My three-year-old cries and dramatises so much ...

[twik]

Can I do anything about it or is it just her character?

She's 3, very bright and verbal, incredibly so in fact, but she's got zero patience and what she has in verbal skills she's so lacking in others. She's never once managed to put two pieces of a jigsaw together, if it doesn't work after a few attempts she gets hysterical and throws the pieces around the room. She cries and cries. I do the old 'naughty step' stuff but she just sobs as though the world's ending and will say sorry over and over and pick up all the pieces when I ask her to but still doesn't stop sobbing. She's dramatic about everything, if her fingernail breaks she turns to me with full wobbling lip and says 'mummy ... look ...' lifts the finger and bursts into tears, again inconsolably.

How do I deal with this? I remember kids at school being labelled 'cry babies' and I hate to think it but I think I've got one. I don't think I've particularly encouraged it in her as dp and I are both quite shy and reserved, certainly not demonstrative in the way she is and she's actually quite brave about all kinds of surprising things.

She's wonderfully polite and generally cooperative, she just can't seem to control her disappointment / sense of failure.

Any one else have something similar?

It's sheer frustration that she knows what she wants to do, but can't manage it. It's a phase, and it will pass. It might take a while, but it will pass.

I wouldn't punish her with the naughty step though, she's really not done anything wrong, even if she throws the pieces everywhere in paddy. Can you sit with her and help her to do the puzzle, rather than letting her struggle with something you know she's going to fail at and get frustrated with?

WWB, yes to a degree, but she's very hard to 'help' as she's also incredibly independent. I'd hate to be her school teacher! When I do try to help she gets really cross with me for not doing it 'exactly' as she thinks it should be. And it's very hard work after a while. It's mad, the other day she buckled one of her shoes herself which was a first and I was full of praise but she got stuck with the second one, refused to let me help, then ended up throwing the shoes across the room and having hysterics again ...

Incidentally what exactly is a naughty step for? I mean what kind of behaviour? I may have got it mixed up

Sounds like my dd!

She is still like it to a degree at the age of 8. She can become hysterical at a milimetre cut....and I am not exagerating!

I love her to bits, and she is delightful and funny and bright but can be a PITA

If you find a cure, please let me know

For deliberately bad behaviour - but IMO if you put her there every time she is frustrated with something that she can't do herself, you'll make the frustration worse. She can't help the frustration she feels, and she's got no other way to express it. It's hard, and it takes lots of patience to help them when they're like that.

happymerryberries, I feel exactly like that! Everyone loves dd when they meet her, she's so full of stories and little 'acts' and loves to make people laugh. She just reacts in such an extreme way to 'failure' and 'disappointment.'

Maybe you're right WWB, I'll try to be very kind and patient with her for a while instead. I got mixed up with the naughty step I think because she knows she's not supposed to throw toys at home so I was punishing her for that rather than 'failing'. Oh, it's bloody hard to work it out isn't it? It all makes sense when I watch Supernanny!

I have found, over the years that I have to be supportive, but quite firm and to down grade most of what she says by 50%

Other who have looked after her (in school etc) have said the same thing. Initially they are ultra supportive and responsive and then realise that she will faff about just about anything! So you fade a bit out! Other people (who don't know her) can think me a cruel old cow bag, but I have learned that calm, neutral comments help her more than Oh you poor darling.

A recent example. She is doing grade 1 music exam this term (teacher is v pleased with her progress and entered her...not me pushing honest). We did a bit of practice, the sky fell down, massive paddy, I can't do this etc etc. I presisted with her. two days later she is swanning through a 1.5 hour exam in about 30 minutes.

Oh and I long ago learned to tell her that it is OK to be angry, but not to make everyone elses life hell She can yell all she likes in her own room!

Oh and she is just like I was as a child....a real PITA, so I only have myself to blame

God, this sounds like my dd who is 2.3. She is bright, entertaining and all the rest, but my God she is a. feisty and b. a total drama queen. She got a blister on her foot about 4 weeks ago and she has been going on and on about it ever since. A slight bump on the knee, arm whatever, and we have an oscar winning performance!

She is also in to throwing things if she loses patience with them, i.e. pieces of puzzle. TBH it's usually when she is tired though.

I am not sure what to suggest. I don't use the naughty step for when she throws stuff- I just ask her not to do it again or the puzzle or whatever it is, is put away, and this usually stops her in her tracks.

Good luck.

My 3yo has tonnes of patience but poor verbal skills and is more or less terrified of new people. She also collapses into a crying helpless heap at the first sign of conflicts with others, or if I ask her to do something simple (like walk 2 feet forward and pick her toy up).

Driving me batty...

We have that 'wound' trauma with dd too! Any tiny little piece of skin hanging from around her nail and she's off!

Yesterday we met some lovely friends for a picnic in a local park and dd was especially weepy. First it was a friend interrupting her game as she wanted to play too (dd gets VERY involved in her role-playing games, to the point of obsession), then she bumped her chin, then someone trod on a piece of her baby corn. In the end she was so hot and sweaty and worked up I took her home. Nightmare.

happymerryberries, I do try to neutralise her dramatics. I should work on it more though I think. Yesterday evening I tried what WWB said about not discipling but being patient so when she was trying to do something fiddly and got cross and threw stuff I took her hands and said 'what are you trying to do? Can I help?' 'yes' she sobbed in true abandoned child voice 'ok, pick up the things you threw and we'll do it together' I said. She immediately apologised for throwing them, picked them up, we did it together which only took about 2 hours but there were no more tears. So thanks for that WWB!

I just wanted to tell you that my DS was very very similar from around 2.5 till recently (he is nearly 6 now).
Used to get very frustrated and angry with inanimate objects that wouldn't do what they were supposed to do. The amount of times I have seen him jump up and down on a pair of socks that wouldn't go on properly shouting "STUPID SOCKS!!" DS has very intense emotions that he finds hard to control (ballistic if angry, heartbroken if sad, delirious if happy ... chilled if bored.)
He also totally over reacted when he hurt himself a tiny bit but bizarrely was quite calm when he really did hurt himself (cut his head open, blood everywhere sort of thing).
His anger management is improving with age ... seriously, I see as he matures that he is really beginning to control himself better ... much of this has also happened with loads of positive reinforcement and praise (and the great Mumsnet Pasta Jar ). "Well done for trying and NOT getting cross with your buttons" or whatever ... Also, angry outbursts that result in him lashing out and hitting me or DH are an absolute no no and we have zero tolerance to hitting ... it is never ok to hit for any reason, no matter how cross you are, so we understand why he is cross but he has to go to time out for hitting.
The best way for DS to counter his over reaction to falling over and hurting himself is to totally acknowlege his hurt. My DH finds this hard as he tends to say, "Come on, get up, it wasn't that bad" and that tended to make DS worse. So now we say, "OOOOOOOooooohhhhh, that looks like it really hurts!" And for some miraculous reason, DS looks at us, tear dry up and he nods and says, "Yes, it does actually" and off he runs to do something else.
We got that from a great NZ parenting book and it is one of the best parenting tips I have ever had.
HTH ...

ghosty, that's ghostly! Your ds is SO like my dd!! How you describe his over-emotional response to happiness, sadness etc. is exactly the same as dd. It makes her wonderful of course but also very intense.

I also recognise her hurt, I read it somewhere. It doesn't always work as well as you describe though, we end up discussing in minute detail just HOW much it hurts!

my emma is just like that also. we had an incident yesterday when a balloon at playgroup landed on her arm and she insisted that it was hurting her, this morning when we woke up she told me again how sore her arm was. such a dramatic little one

Personally I see it as a sign of hyper intelligence
I can be very emotional too

Yes, me too. The emotional bit not the hyper-intelligence. Most days I'm lucky if I remember my first name.

emmasmummy loved your story of your dd "hurting", even a day later, after a balloon fell on her!!!! Perhaps it is about shock more than pain(if having a balloon land on you can be described as a shock - perhaps a bit of a surprise?....) I think these experiences are so big in their lives that they do like to linger on them don't they, and remind us frequently of the time they hurt their toe/arm/finger.

I've got one of these too. DD1 is nearly six and very sensitive/temperemental. I tend to follow ghosty's type of management and find it quite effective and also stops me getting too exasperated with her histrionics.

Ghosty

OMG I thort my ds was the only one who shouted "STUPID SOCKS" or railed at inanimate objects when he bumped himself etc (just 6 BTW).

I try to play it down, but it doesn't work, I'll try your technique.

Any other hints?

If I had a quid for every time in a day dd said in desperate voice 'I can't DO IT!!!!!' before bursting into tears, I'd be rich rich rich.

I guess the exuberance in other areas makes up for it though, i.e. we also get loads of thrilled 'Hey, look at me! I DID IT!!!'

Then when they really DO have an accident (dd fell down the stairs a few weeks ago) and hurt themselves, the drama of it is relived over and over for weeks! dd still stops people in the lift to our flat and tells them very solemnly all about how she fell down the stairs, where she had bruises, how long they took to go away, the colours they changed into etc. etc.

Ha! My dh is 37 and still shouts at inanimate objects that won't obey him (not socks, more cooking utensils and other household objects). And over-reacts to tiny accidents (but I thought that was just a man thing ie man flu?). I have tried to point out that this is not a terribly good example for ds... ds now shouts 'come on!' at said inanimate objects/other car drivers. Exasperating.

Oh Lord, a new twist, a version of OCD I fear. She now insists on doing things exactly right, so if she puts a piece of toast on a plate with one corner sticking out over the edge she has to go all the way back to the kitchen, take it off, put it on again, carry it back to her chair in the lounge etc. etc. and it can go on and on and on. If I interrupt we get absurd hysterics!!!

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