7 yo won't get dressed or brush her hair - any advice?

[syla]

I am hoping for some advice on how to manage my dd, as I just can't see the woods for the trees at the moment.

She is just 7, and is normally a lovely little girl. However, I've had this past week off work and have had such a miserable time of things with her that I've been in tears every day because of her behaviour and because I feel such a terrible parent for these things happening, and me not being able to manage them.

The first issue is getting dressed. She quite likes being naked, but these past few days she is flatly refusing to get dressed. I must admit that I haven't handled it brilliantly, lots of coaxing and then shouting until it eventually works. However this morning I sent her to the naughty corner, checked in with her regularly to ask if she was going to get dressed now, and just left her there until she did. She was only in there about 20 minutes in the end, which wasn't too bad, but it did tie in with lunch being ready, conveniently. So she got dressed, and has been sweetness and light for a couple of hours. However, 20 minutes ago she just stripped off again, as I'd said we needed to pop out. She is refusing to dress, and is currently in the naughty corner again, quite uncomplainingly.

The next issue is with her hair. It's quite long, and it's very thick. It's beautiful, but it needs a lot of attention, and she is totally not willing to co-operate. It regularly gets knotty and takes me a good while to get all the knots out. But for the last couple of weeks she has again flatly refused to let me touch it, or to do it herself. It looks disgraceful, and I am ashamed of how bad it looks. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I really do not know how I can sort this. We have detangling sprays and shampoos galore, different brushes, combs... She refuses to have her hair cut as she claims to like it long.

In addition, she has had a very defiant and unpleasant attitude all week, I'm sure partly to do with boredom at the end of the holidays.

Please, I could really use some helpful advice. It's back to school tomorrow and I am dreading it, as I just don't know how I am going to get her out of the house.

I'd expect her to be more reasonable on a school day, as she'll know she can't go naked (tempting though that threat may be).

I have a home-nudist; I gave up and let him be, though he covers up at mealtimes.

Hair: could you just keep it in a plait? Minimizes both tangles and messiness.

I'm suggesting the "ignore it/minimise it" type options as this could well be a very short lived phase, and something subject to rapid change when back with her peers at school.

Good luck!

On a school day I think I would explain to her that if she isn't dressed for school you will take her as she is, and then DO IT (put some school clothes in the boot of the car). She will be embarassed and only do it the once (hopefully).

I sympathise on the hair thing, DS has long (for a boy anyway) thick hair and because of sensory issues hates having it brushed but he now knows loner hair needs brushing properly and if he doesn't let me brush it guess what happens? He believes me because I took him and had it cut short once after a week of hairbrush refusal.

The plait is a good idea

Just realised she is naked rather than in PJs, maybe don't take her to school naked I hadn't noticed that when I first posted!

I agree it is most likely a phase and I think all kids due back to school this week are playing up somewhat, I know mine and my friend's are.

Well mine is only pre school age but i've had the same problems on and off.

DD also has very thick hair which looks awful in the mornings so it really does need a lot of brushing. There are always tears and sometimes she will just not let me do it. She'll just make it impossible by rolling around on the floor etc. Oh the joy.

I'm sure you've been given the advice 'pick your battles'. I think that maybe falls in with this situation.

I bet you anything as soon as she is back in her routine at school it will go back to normal. She isn't going to want to go to school naked presumably. I'm sure she'll want to look pretty for her first day back also.

As far as the unpleasant attitude goes, i'm sure it's just down to not having the structure she's used to when at school. 6 weeks is a long time to be out of that sort of routine.

This time next week i'm sure things will be back to normal.

Hope this helps.
:)

I would tell her that unless she lets you wash and comb her hair it will be cut off
take the reins back, it sounds like she thinks she's in charge

Getting dressed - myself I'd just leave it - it won't kill her to be naked in this weather. My rule would be, if it inconveniences others or is unhealthy for her, its not an option, but otherwise go with the flow. If she wants to go out naked, so be it - I reckon in practice she'll change her mind before you get out the door, most 7 y/os are quite able to recognise that it will be embarrassing to be wandering round the shops with no clothes on.

Hair - we have this one, and its more tricky IMO because it is unhealthy if it goes into dreads and also not to be able to nit comb when needed BUT on the other hand it is horribly painful combing out tangles (have miserable memories of it myself). We've compromised on a bob which dd is happy with for school (she says short hair isn't ok and she will get teased). I'm about to start a thread asking for haircut suggestions as it still falls in her face, but at least it doesn't tangle at that length.

DD was a home nudist from a very young age. I always let her stay nude if she was at home but she used to play up sometimes when I told her to get dressed to go out. My only tactic was to keep explaining to her that, although it was perfectly OK to be nude at home, it was not acceptable to go out like that in front of other people. Eventually she came round and got dressed without any trouble although even today, aged 10, she will invariably strip within 5 mins of getting home but I can't criticise that as I often do the same .

Thanks all.

I've suggested the plait, but she is not at all keen on tying her hair back, and only puts it in a ponytail for sports. It doesn't really help that her school has no uniform, and no policy on tying back hair as standard...

She does think she's in charge of this issue unfortunately. My husband left me 3 years ago, so since then it very much has been a case of picking my battles, but this one really has spiralled out of control with the hair.

Good idea about the routine with getting dressed: we don't do anything like that at present. I don't really mind the naked thing a lot of the time, but not when others are around, not for eating, and especially not when I need her to get dressed so we can go out.

And right now - I've told her to stay in the naughty corner until she's ready to get dressed. She has been there an awfully long time now, and I feel dreadful, but I guess this is a battle of wills I need to win? How long can I feasibly leave her there? It's just in the bathroom, nothing awful....

I have a similar thing with getting dressed with my ds1 who is four. He also stays naked most of the time! What I have found works with him is to get myself ready to leave, shoes, bag packed etc then tell him we're leaving so he better get ready. I go to the front door and within minutes he gets dressed. Don't know if this would work with an older child.

i think you should hold her dolly to randsome

" brush your hair or dolly gets it"

Re the not getting dressed.

Does it matter that she is naked in the house? If not, then let her be.

If you need to go out then give her an opportunity to get dressed. If she doesn't then just take her naked! I can guarantee it won't happen twice. My DD went to school in her PJs once...

Re the hair.

Tell her she either brushes it or you will take her to the hairdressers and get it cut off. Up to her then isn't it? DD's was wiast length. Tangles and so on a nightmare. She now has a short bob and is able to do it all herself.

Re the attitude.

Still working on this one myself. I always say 'don't speak to me like that' if it continues then she has to go to her room.

She has been in there for 3.5 hours now. I just went in, and she has found the scissors and cut some of her hair at the front, so I suggested we did the rest - but no.

I really might try taking her out naked - nothing to lose I suppose.

Oh she really is trying to wind you up.

Try to ignore the bad behaviour as much as you can for safety reasons. Try and catch her being good and praise her for it. I would say if she has cut some of the hair then a trip to the hairdressers is in order. Have a word with them before you go with her and get them to say the only solution is to cut it shorter!

If it's any consolation my Jekyll and Hyde 7 yr old is being perfectly horrid at the moment (only at home mind - at school and everywhere else she is a paragon of virtue of course!) so you have my sympathies

I feel quite despondent this morning after she was incredibly rude to me and dh when we asked her a perfectly reasonable factual question about her school books.

We have lots of boundaries and structure - I don't think she feels she is in charge but we definitely try and take her point of view on board where possible/practical - her strength of personality and sheer will is quite daunting at times (and exhausting to deal with). The rest of the time she is charming, witty, helpful, kind, and quite sunny in personality. It's just when she is 'orrid, she is really 'orrid.

We've thought of all the possibilites - not enough sleep, too much sugary food, too much tv, too much leisure time/not enough leisure time and discounted them all

So no ready answers here - just sympathetic waves - I'm hoping it's a phase [sigh]

I havea home nudist as well, we comprimise by me insisting that she wears knickers. I can't be doing with bare, not well wiped bums on the sofa.

Tangle teaser for thick, long hair is a god send. DD is 9 and brushes her own hair with this and does a good job.

Take her to school in her PJ's ... she'll soon get dressed. Seriously though, has she always been like this? Some kids have sensory issues with clothes touching them. What does she say when you ask her why she won't get dresses ? Intrigued

stillcounting - we could be talking about the same child, from what you've said. Mine is just like that.

Yesterday morning didn't go too badly, all things considered, so that was great. Last night she did strip off again, and so I told her she'd have to get dressed for dinner, which she did without complaining, so thanks for that tip Vivalebeaver!

MadameSin, no she hasn't always been like this. I don't think it's to do with her clothes, I think it's more a control thing.... but I could well be wrong. Will think about that, thanks

Good to know we are not alone Syla!!
My dd doesn't go around nude (house too cold!!) but sometimes getting her to change in to appropriate clothes can be a trial -

Talking this over with dh last night we came to the conclusion that she gets too much attention for being bad (easy for an only child) and we are now only going to focus on the good.

Also, because her birthday falls in the summer holidays she effectively has two parties (a family gathering when we travel or family visits here and her proper party at the end of the summer when her friends are back) + loads of presents and loads of treats during the summer being taken out to do various activities. We reckon she has come to the conclusion that all of the above just comes to her without any effort or responsibility to behave well or input on her behalf and now wants to carry on in the same way now its term time. So we have gently explained to her that with nice things come responsibilities and we are in the process of making her a little 'chore' chart and will see how that goes ...

We've banned tv for the whole of this week until her behaviour changes and it seems to be working so far - she was delightful to be around this morning - a totally different child ... long may it continue ...

Yes Syla I think you're spot on - I think it is DEFINITELY about control ....

Syla: how did the first week back at school go?