Discipline of 3yr old dd

[WEENEENIE]

Hi there, I'm sure this is going to be a controversial thing to ask/answer but any offers of advice will be listened to as I'm at the end of my rope. I have absolutely no previous experience with interacting with young children as I'm an only child and never babysat etc. The only experience I have to draw on for disciplinning DD1 is how I was disciplined as a child and that was traumatic so it's not an option. I'm so confused.
So DD1 is 3yr old. She does something that gets my goat I tell her once that it's not acceptable and explain why then attempt to divert her attention to something else like reading, painting, tv or lunch if that's the time. This can happen with the same thing 4 or 5 times over. Then it'll happen with something else 4 or 5 times over. Eventually I lose the rag and put her to the step and shout my mouth off in her face. I'm over reacting and I know it. I feel guilty, frustrated and angry all at once - to the extreme. What's the best approach? What else can I try? What I'm doing isn't working so what should I do? It's likely coming to a point where she's scared of me because I shout so loud in her face every time she does wrong.

Example. Today waiting to get into nursery she strongly pushes another child for standing next to her (this happened infront of me)so I lightly slapped the back of her hand, sat her down and told her that pushing the other girls and boys was not acceptable and that she wouldn't like it if they done it to her. She howled the place down and said she wanted daddy (who is at work). Told her if she didn't stop crying she wouldn't be able to go into nursery and she'd have to go back home. She stopped dead. Took her in to her teacher and explained she pushed someone and got into trouble for it and taht's why she was upset. Teacher said no problem, that she'd deal with it. I'm at my wits end? Did I do the right thing? She needs to be disciplined for pushing others as it's NOT acceptable but where do you go too far? Was her reaction acceptable? Should I have slapped her hand? I'm totally lost. :O(

Hi Weeneenie, I know how you feel as I am quick tempered and have to watch myself with dd1. I start with telling her no and why, if that doesn't work she gets moved to the naughty step and explain again why its naughty. If that doesn't work then she's told she will lose her bedtime story (this is a big one as she loves that time), if it happens again then she loses the story and has a time out in her room.
Generally it doesn't get this far but if it does its good for both of us as I will be near breaking point so its a time out for me too IYSWIM? Sometimes its easier to pick your battles and if you feel yourself about to shout/already shouting just give her a hug and say you're sorry for shouting. I think it does help if the sorry thing works both ways.

I don't want to make you feel worse by saying you did the wrong thing by smacking but I do think that in that instance I wouldn't. She might have got a mixed message as you hurt her for hurting someone else?

Have no idea about sticker charts/reward charts but do you thinkthey would work for your dd?

Hi Weeneenie, I have dd 3.5 yrs and ds 13 mths. My aim with them (because of the intimidating way I was brought up) is to not loose my temper but keep things reasonable. Dd is usually very good but we had a tricky week last week and thankfully it's settled back now. She was nervous about starting playschool and stopped sleeping properly and was tetchy during the day.

Anyway, I was exhausted with ds still to look after. And I started watching The Dog whisperer, I'm using his calm assertive psychology and it has really worked, within two nights she was back to sleeping through. He maintains that shouting nurtures anger, so dd/ds would just become more angry and the whole situation gets worse.

I think it's the same with slapping, it's not going to help but only build up resentment. I'd really recommend you watch a few episodes of TDW. I know supernanny is very popular but I don't watch it, I feel the children are being exploited and rewarded for bad behaviour by being on the show in the first place.

Either way, you can't go wrong aiming for calm assertive energy.

Hth,you need a plan for a new way to discipline, and to focus on the process, and give it time.

Good luck

What you did sounds fairly reasonable to me although I wouldn't have smacked her hand as to me its sending mixed messages. I use the statement "In this family we do not Hit anyone" which seems to have worked for our 2 eventually.

The only other point I'd raise is your threat that she wouldn't go to nursery, would you have been prepared to carry through your threat? I vividly remember when DD1 was 21 months I told her she wouldn't go to her friend house if she did something again. She did it and we didn't go - I was gutted was really looking forward to seeing my friend that afternoon - Since then I've never threatened something I'm not prepared to follow through - and the DDs know that if I threaten a sanction, I'll do it.

Hi There

I am in a similar situation as you; like you the model of parenting that I had was aggressive and now the responsibility stays with us to break the mould that we learnt. It IS tough and I think you need to acknowledge that first. You need to understand that you are breaking a whole childhood's worth of learnt behaviours, so it isn't that simple! Once you've done this, I also think you should read various books about discipline etc. there are loads out there and your local library will have some.

I use various strategies now and found what works for DD and I. That doesn't make me perfect, but if I have a bad day, I evaluate how I could have done better (like you are now I suppose) and try to remember it for next time.

I don't know what to say about the smacking of hand, I wasn't there, but I think you might need to re evaluate the 'shouting in her face'. I put DD on the time out step to give me time to think about it and control myself. This is what I've found works for me; you need to find your own system but just remember that knowledge is power.

Don't be too hard on yourself, the fact that you're trying to break the cycle is great!

Yes it's good you recognise yr. own upbringing wasn't ideal. 3yr olds love games and making their toys talk eg." teddy is crying 'cos you threw that toy" or whatever. Avoiding confrontation, eg ban the word 'No".

Replace the word No with talking about yr. feelings eg. "I don't like it when you push yr. friends" or whatever "I'd be so happy if you pick up yr toys shall I pick up the red ones and you the blue ones"etc.