When your child is angry with you.....?

[Earlybird]

Do you allow your dc to be angry with you?

What is an acceptable way for them to express that anger?

Am aware that I often tell dd 'don't be rude', 'don't speak to me in that tone', etc. Am I essentially telling her she's not allowed to express her anger at/with me?

She is 9.6, btw.

i "allow" them to be angry, but i won't have them calling names etc etc
and i try and point out that they can be angry and talk to me instead of shouting

So, it really is as simple as that - talk, instead of shouting?

My DD is 10.9 and she has a few moments when she gets very angry and lashes out verbally. There have been a few times when she has been told not to talk to me or DH the way she has. Once she calms down she is very sorry for it and realises she shouldnt do it.

Its not a nice time when she is angry, the fact that she acknowledges it is good though.

Cant imagine it getting better anytime soon though(raging hormones on the way)

sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. but I refuse to listen if they are shouting, so if they want me to hear how angry they are they have to talk

Foster DD has (understandable) serious anger problems. I encourage her to go to her room and punch pillows and go 'grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr'. I also say it's fine if she says horrible things about me to me her friends but to make sure I don't hear them.

I have to monitor her text messages so when I see ones where she has been horrible about me I like to be very calm and say "I see you were angry that day when you weren't allowed to.....". She usually has the decency to look a bit shamefaced if she has called me a name or something.

I also encourage her to write stories, use play clay to express herself.

I don't put up with her yelling, speaking rudely, or calling me names to my face, nor tutting or eye rolling.

It is important for me to allow her to express her anger and not let it impact on me (it is hard not to take it personally - I'm no saint )

Seems much easier to think of what I don't want her to do when angry: don't be rude, don't shout, don't be disrepecful, don't be defiant/insulting, etc.

What exactly is it that I want her to do that allows her to express her feelings instead of ignore/squash down/seethe, etc?

My ds is still only a toddler so have no experience of this, but I think what you are doing is right. At school, and out in the real world if you're angry at someone you cant just tell them how you feel. Could you maybe encourage her to write it down? Either in a diary or in a letter to you?

Like I say, no experience, just something that helped me as a teen!

maybe write a list of 'rules' for everyone about if they feel cross, worded in a way that shows how you do want her to behave. Maybe do this together.
ie, In this house we....
speak calmly and explain how you feel, expect to be listened to even if the other person does not agree,

we will try to compromise with each other if possible.

Treat each other with respect [and talk about what that means].
To stay calm and go to another room if you can't stay calm. ?write down feelings if its easier than talking them aloud.

You may want to have other written rules that you will not compromise on but limit these to a few.

There's a book I know others with older kids have used: talk so you'll kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk, or something like that...

The premis being 'It's ok to be angry [emotion are ok] but its not ok to be aggressive, rude, shout, talk over people ['bad' behaviour is not] Its hard for kids of this age to distinguish between feelings and behaviour.

You have to 'sign' up to this too so its not just her.

you want her to tell you what is wrong

you want her to figure out a way of getting her anger out without yelling at you (going down the garden and just shouting to get it out of her system is ok tho!)

you want her to use sensible words instead of being rude/calling names

you want her to think of a way she can get rid of her anger- hitting a pillow? going outside and shouting? drawing a picture of what is making her angry? writing it down? going and taking a few minutes in her room to calm down?

I guess what you're trying to convey to her is that it is ok to be angry. it's GOOD to be angry sometimes and it's fine to let other people know you are angry
but it isn't ok to hurt other people, either physically or by saying nasty things or shouting in their face or whatever.

it's a good idea at a totally unstressed time to talk it through with her and ocme up with a way of dealing with anger, then you can remind her of it if necessary, the next time she is very angry about something

Very wise words, and valuable advice.

I know anger is a real/valid emotion, and that anger needs to be let out/dealt with properly. Thanks for helping me see how to guide dd.

If anyone else has anything to add, I'd be grateful as this is something I never learned myself and it is a big and important life lesson.