Ok, following on from similar thread, how do you deal with other toddlers at groups when the mother is there?

[DetectivePotato]

There is a boy (nearly 3) at my toddler group who is a bit of a handful. Occasionally his mum tells him off but most of the time she is too busy talking (but I am pretty sure she sees a lot more that she makes out).

Last week I heard my DS (2.7) crying around the corner in the L shaped room. I went over and this boy was trying to get my DS off the bike he was on so his friend could have it. In the process he managed to hurt DS's finger. He had done the same the week before, which his mum had totally ignored and she was feet away at that time. I told this boy that my DS was on the bike but he said "xxx wants it" and kept saying it. I said "no, DS is having a go" In the end I had to move DS on the bike away as I knew the minute I walked off, he would have done the same again

Little while later, DS had a car that he was putting into a box on the back of the bike. This boy (feet away from his mother) snatched the car and I heard DS asking for it back. I didn't intervene straight away but they started 'fighting' so I went over and stopped them. I said to the boy "DS had the car, can he have it back please" The boy just looked at me and hid it behind his back. I kept asking and asking him politely but he just kept putting the car somewhere out of sight. In the end I said to DS he would have to play with something else.
I sat back down and this boy started lightly tapping DS on the head, I think he was starting to get harder. He looked around and saw me watchign and instantly stopped and walked off. I refuse to believe that his mother didn't witness any of this when she was stood right there and must have heard and seen me talking to him.

Short of wrestling the car away, which I am not going to do obviously, WWYD?

I'd say to the boy's mum 'your ds just snatched that car from my ds can you have a word please'

Could you sit with the boy's mum next week and when it happens, say directly to her 'Oh, it looks like my DS and your DS are having a bit of a scuffle. Shall we go and have a word?'.

The other mum should be watching her DS and dealing with his behaviour, certainly, but this is part and parcel of the toddler group experience and it's best to find constructive ways of dealing with it.

I like the idea of sitting next to her. She can't pretend she hasn't seen it then.

I would like to say that Compo but I am a wimp and hate any sort of confrontation. I wish I could speak up a bit more.

Find another toddler group to go to, i wish I had done that sooner.

I am not good at telling children off if their parents are there but I have started to say things like " no darling, please don't do that" in a deliberately high pitched, sing song voice which makes it quite obvious to the parent that something has gone on.

If the mum doesn't realise I guess you can speak to her directly. I would feel sick at the thought off this, I'm a wimp...does the play group have a leader? Could you have a quiet word with them and ask them to keep an eye on the child?

I go to one group in a local church hall and the leader is fab, she is so lovely with the children but if there is a naughty one she does tell them and gives them warnings such as 'there'll be no sticker after story time if you continue to do that' and the best thing is that she actually sticks to it. It grates on me when someone threatens a punishment and doesn't follow it through. Anyway that's a whole other post...sorry for digressing!

x

LooLOO I'm not going to leave what is a lovely toddler group where I have made all my friends over 1 child and mother that won't watch him.

Curly the leader is just a mum who volunteers. Its not really her job to tell the others off as a parent led group. Good idea though. Your group sounds like it works well.

This is part and parcel of toddler group. Can you not play with both boys? Make a game, really interact ask the other boy to help your DS etc.
The trouble is, lets face it all us mums really want to do is have a cup of tea and a bit of a gossip but toddler group is the worst place to do it because toddlers are learning all that social stuff and need so much guidance. No child is perfect and next week your child could be the one being a bit of a pain (from what you have said though it sounds like you would be the first to ensure your DS wasn't), but you know what I mean I'm sure.
Just try and perhaps engage him......or maybe his mum if that doesn't work!

I know what you mean detective it was exactly that with the toddler group i went to and had made friends at. But I changed to a different group and realised that I'd been putting up with an awful lot of bad behaviour towards my dc and that at the new group I could relax and watch my dc play from a distance and give them a bit more independence. I'd had to hover over them all the time at the prevoius group.

I do the loud voice thing too, "Gosh, that wasn't very nice, now now boys, shall we share instead? What if...?"

For chronic serial biters/hitters I keep an eye on them and my DC the whole time.

tbh, I'm going thru a bit of a phase with DS (2.5yo, this is always the age when this happens!) when I have to stop him from hug-mugging other tots. It starts as a Hug but then sort of escalates. Basically, I have to spend the whole time keeping an eye on him... but this is only some of the groups we attend. Others we never have issues. I wish I knew why!

This is a lovely group. All the toddlers are going through the normal toddler stuff, including mine obviously. He is doing the tickling but ends up pushing in his enthusiasm but I am always watching him.

Luckily it is only this one boy and mother that is like this. Everyone else spots if there is a problem and intervenes.

I am not going to sit and play with this boy as if he isn't doing it to my DS, he is doing it to someone else. He doesn't specifically target DS but I have noticed he does get a bit more of it. He did try and push a girl off her bike, but I know this girl and she can really hold her own. I think she just looked at him and he moved away pretty quickly.

I will have to do the loud voice thing and make sure I am sitting or standing near his mother so she can't ignore it, yet again.

"ttbmp2- why the fuck should the op entertain a little git another child while it's mum sits chatting to her mates..."

Nice language!

And the answer? Because sometimes you have to be the one to set a good example.

I'm a serial rebuker of other peoples children . Seriously. If I see a kid getting picked on by another kid - even if they aren't mine, I'll intervene.

The way I do it is to get onto their level and say 'hey, what's going on here, that doesn't look very good, is everything okay?' and you normally get 'he took my car/I want the car' and we can talk about taking turns etc.

Regarding the apathetic mums, I've met a few, I tend to deal with the problem them go up and say 'is that your little boy, he's very energetic isn't he - how old is he?' and ask a few questions, then say 'I'm trying to develop DD/DS's confidence a bit by coming here, so I hope you don't mind but I just asked your kid not to snatch the car off him'. Generally they will take the hint.

If not I will lead a whole lot of them in a running around game to tire the buggers out.

I am not leading a game around the room for a load of toddlers.

They are there to play, we are there if we are needed. It is not my job to entertain them.

I have M.E. and I am pregnant. I want to sit, watch my DS and have a chat with my friends while DS is happy playing with others or doing the activity they have each week, not be the childrens entertainer because a mother can't be bothered to watch her child.

Maybe it would be a good idea to start teaching your child to stand up for himself? obviously i dont mean whacking the other child! just being assertive while playing?

I know hes not yet 3 yrs old, but this type of environment is the perfect place to start as you are on hand should he need you to intervene.

as much as this child needs to learn appropriate social skills, so does your child-you wont always be there to step in-eg nursery/reception.

Just be direct with the other mother. Say, 'excuse me, I think your son is trying to snatch something from my son.' Just state the facts pleasantly, with a sympathetic smile. You could add something like, 'it's so hard for them to learn to share at this age, isn't it?' so that she doesn't feel criticised, but gets the point.

Stamp on his foot by "accident." That gets their attention sharpish and puts them off tangling with your dc again. Win win.

Ooh that's good. Mum will think it was an accident, but the little shit will know better!

Ha ha, sounds appealing. Obviously I could never do it though.

I should teach DS to be more assertive. Just not entirely sure how to do it. I want him to be able to stand up for himself in a non aggressive way. He is a pretty laid back child. Before he would let someone take things from him and just go and get something else. I have seen many other toddlers hold their own. Now he doesn't like others taking things but he isn't really assertive enough to just take it back again.

She knows exactly what he is like. She refers to him as a monster and does complain about his behaviour. This is why it bugs me that she spends most of the time ignoring it.