i need help with my 4.5 year old

[Nixz]

please someone help us!!! My 4.5 year old has always been 'different' to other kids, she has seen behavioural specialists etc, her Nursery told me when she was 3 that they never thought she would beable to attend mainstream school as she could be so difficult and hysterical at times but early this year it all changed and she started to become calmer and have more concentration etc. However her behaviour now is awful. She runs away, constantly argues with us, spits in our faces, goes into absolute hysterics which can last for hours, trashes things etc. She has no understanding of what she is being told off for, can not seem to display 'nice' behaviour and when she has a nice time she has to do something awful for no reason etc etc We need counselling of some sort as i just dont know if im doing the right thing anymore when i try to punish her, i really am at the end of mytether with her. Having her as a daughter has never been easy and i cant think of anything nice about being her mother. She reacts to everything in a way i can not fathom. My family agree, as do friends who have had the pleasure of one of her tantrums. Where can i go for help as a family?

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this My ds2 was very similar to your dd and is just changing. He's 5 on Sunday and starts school monday so I'm relieved he's calmer. He had cranial osteopathy and homeopathy so that's what I'd recommend personally but I'm sure others can recommend more mainstream ways to help.

{{{{{hugs}}}}} to you as I know what it's like.

Sorry I said "just" changing. What I meant to say is he now seems very normal and it happened slowly. I was being pulled away from pooter to play junior monopoly with DSs whilst trying to type so was rushing my message

Parentline Plus and Surestart are two that may be able to help.

Thanks for the hugs, i really need them right now.
She is so different the way she acts and what she wants, she stands out like a sore thumb at parties etc, i have often thought about cranial osteopathy but dont know if it would halp her temper and her - as horrible as it sounds - utter disgust at everything which faces her and the people she is with. Whilst writing this she has just ran over and smacked me right in the face - its just awful

Furball, thankyou, i will look at both of these sites tonight, A lot of people dont understand the frustration of having a child that doesnt want you! I just want to beable to enjoy her and share happy times - sadly, these have never happened for more than a second or 2.

And im also very worried that the stress has got to me now and i am bringing her up with lots of negativity and teaching her some horrible ways to react to bad situations. I really do try to keep my cool and be consistant, but its so hard when youve had to shout and tell her off for about the 10th time in about 10 minutes.

Have you tried the naughty step? You may need to keep putting her on it lots of times at first and not give in. It sounds as if you really need some help though. CO is recommended by other mumsnetters, I'll see if I can find any useful links for you hun xx

oh hugs to you nixz = you really sound low! wish i could offer some constructive advice... my ds is 4.5- at around the age of 2.5 he became very aggressive and angry- the playgroup started to segrigate him from the other children because of his behaviour.... he then stopped going...our doctor advised Omega 3 fish oils to help with his brian function. hes had a spoonful everyday since and i can now honestly say hes no trouble. hes been to bursery for a year and starts recpetion next week at the same school- aprt from the odd "stint" hes had no problems...

i really hope you sort things out- good luck

this link may help?

Yes Milosmum, I've heard great things about fish oils too.

i really think it helped him- dont get me wrong i certainly dont put it all down to that. we started to deal with him diffrently- positivly- ignoring the bad,etc.... we also tried to intergrate him more with other kids (hes an only child)- we also really looked into his diet as i think that does have alot to do with behaviour.... and the playgroup teacher was a cow!- shes was segregating him and not telling us!!!

Yes, cow indeed! Poor wee man. Glad to hear he's ok now. How are you feeling about him starting reception? I keep meaning to practice changing for PE with DS2 and also using his lunchbox. I'm no doubt worring over nothing.

Sorry for hijacking Nixz

Nixz you poor thing. It sounds like you are doing a tremendous job with her. I have been through phases like this with both mine but not so long term or severe and it is hard when you feel you don't like them very much! I watched Little Angels last night and the positive parenting thing does seem to work. I've made a big effort today with praising mine and we've had a much nicer day than some this holiday. Hang in there and maybe try the fish oil supplements. Big hug to you.

Thankyou all so very much for your words and support.
I tried the omega 3, she is usually very good at taking medicines even if they taste awful but she couldnt take this, she was sick a few times. I tried the orange tasting jelly capsules aswell but no joy there.
I really feel that my parenting is partly responsible for her behaviour sometimes. You have to get her in a corner and really lay the law down just for her to do something simple like, 'pick up the sweetie wrapper you have just dropped' and its every single time aswell, not just a few times a day - every single thing becomes a nightmare. So, as a consequence, i feel i may be blowing things up out of proportion as i reach my breaking point a lot quicker because the situations that arise feel constant - does that make sense? So i feel like she may be watching me lose the plot so she is doing the same! DP says that no other child probably gets the attention/chances etc that she gets but he watches her too closely so notices everything and is on her back a lot - i think we both just feel ready to throw the towel in.........oh i forgot - a child is not just for christmas!

Ulysees - no problem and thanks for the links, i noticed there was mumsnetter on there who knew somebody who practised in manchester, i live not in west lancashire so maybe she could forward me a contact name.

Id on't know if it will help (and I haven't read beyond messages 1 and 2 at the top }, but Boots do an Omega 3 milkshake flavour syrup that DS1 (but admittedly not DS2) will beg for.

sorry haven't read all threads,but felt i had to write. when i read you say that you feel your Ds "doesn't want you". i could have cried, please dont ever think that.This is obviously how your feeling at mo because you are going through a very tough time.but a child always wants their mum "we hurt the person closest to us".I hope you get the help you need, @ don't let anyone tell you she is any less than special.

Has she seen a developmental paediatrician?

By the way all 3 of my Ds take omega 3 capsules(about 6months defo seen an improvement in their behaviour and school work.

I would definitely see a paediatrician, as thi sounds very much like the behaviour of my eldest son, who is 5. He has AS, which your daughter probably hasn't. Can I recommend telephoning BIBIC? They do a chat with you over the phone to ascertain if they can help, your child doesn't have to be classically disabled, or very severely so- they take kids with Dyslexia, for example. There website is:

click here

Sam is going soon, he had a place booked long before they diagnosed him, and the interview is free and non binding- a chat really.

Peachyclair - do you think there may be a physical reason to explain her behaviour?

Jimjams - she has seen a behaviuoral specialist who said she was fine, she met all the right developmental milestones, although silly HV did say that at 3.5 she wasnt normal cos she wasnt watching Top of the Pops - HELLO! Its her emotions, reasoning and understanding that she seems to struggle with.
She honestly has no fear of being alone and its a struggle to get her to join in with anything umless its on her terms, she never looks back when she runs away and she wouldnt think anything of gettin up in the morning, gettin dressed, and just opening the door and pleasing herself, she has no idea of authority or fear.

She seems to always have a 1 tracked mind and cant see reason. Im starting to feel really guilty sitting here picking all of her bad points but im worried for her, she starts school in a few days and im dreading it - i think she will really struggle, i will definately try all these points and suggestions you have kindly sent me.

oh nixz- it can sometimes be very hard to see the positive in a child when they are getting you down (gosh i feel all supernanny ) but you have to stay positive for yourself.....have you been to your doctor? has your HV offered any advise?

my dr said 'get used to it - your a mum' and i felt all melodramatic!!!!
I think i need some parenting tecniques, you see these things on the tv, families living at war and 2 weeks later in harmony.
Anyone ever had any parenting advice?

Nixz I still think she needs to see a developmental paediatrician, or clnical psychologist. Because of this: "She honestly has no fear of being alone and its a struggle to get her to join in with anything umless its on her terms, she never looks back when she runs away and she wouldnt think anything of gettin up in the morning, gettin dressed, and just opening the door and pleasing herself, she has no idea of authority or fear."

What experience did the behavioural person have? I never trust those types.

In your position I would look up Aspergers, ADHD, Oppositional defiance disorder (ODD), sensory integration dysfunction and see if any "fit".

There is a very good online test foor Asppergers in children- score so much and they're at risk - it's been posted a few times in Special needs. I'll see if I can find a link.