3.5 yr old suddenly not sleeping because nervous about starting playschool, whole family exhausted, please help

[seashore]

Hi,

Dd is 3.5 yrs old, ds 13 mths. We live in a very remote place and so enrolled her into playschool, which starts next week. She is an outgoing child whereas both dh and myself were extremely shy children. She is also very advanced in ways, her developmental testing showed her to be more at the over 5 yr old stage than 3.5, we already knew this but it did give us an extra push about playschool thinking she would benefit from it. Now we're not so sure, two weeks ago she went from sleeping nine hours each night to less and less, the last few nights have been particularly rough - finally sleeping at about 2 in the morning and waking up at 6.30. She wakes up crying and can't go back to sleep in her own bed. This is leaving me feeling awful because I'm so woeful at co sleeping as I can't sleep with the lamp on and dd will not allow it to be turned off.

Does anyone else have problems co sleeping? I really want to I be a source of comfort instead I'm becoming increasingly cranky and exhausted.One of us lies on the floor beside her bed until she gets to sleep, a few hrs later when she finds us gone she freaks. She keeps saying who will eat lunch with her at playschool and that she will miss mama,dada, even our cat.I'm worried it is all too much pressure and am kind of regretting having started the whole thing but it's too late to back out now because she is curious about it and obviously it would be best for her to go on over and see what she thinks, we have told her she doesn't have to go, that it's perfectly fine to leave it etc.

It may all have been bad timing because we have only just started toilet training a while ago and this has caused some unsettling.

I was just wondering if anyone else's dc have experienced sudden upset and loss of sleep before a change like starting playschool? Is it worth it or is it putting on too much pressure? We had thought playschool would help her with starting school the following year but maybe by then she would have been more ready.

Sorry for the long post here, I edit better when I'm not so tired! Any advice or shared experience would be very welcome.

Thank you.

Bump. Anyone out there, I really need some help?

Would you be allowed to stay with her at playschool? That might reassure her.

My ds is younger than your dd but he has recently gone through a really bad patch with sleeping. He started nursery in July and I am having another baby in 2 weeks time so think it's been a bit too much for him. He's got a lot better this week...I've tried to be more reassuring towards him in the day, lots of time for cuddles, and telling him how much I love him. I have also been very strict with his bedtime routine BUT also given him extra reassurance.

I used to put him in bed, say goodnight and that was it. The last week I have been putting him in bed, giving him a book and nightlight so he can read himself and telling him I will check on him in 10mins. I then go back and check him at 10min intervals until he goes off to sleep. He is still waking once in the night but it is much improved from where we were before.

Thanks greenbananas, yes one of us can stay with her there for the first few days, her idea is that we stay all the time, for good and even act in the Christmas play with her! we work from home and are quite a tight unit, she's so used to us all having lunch together etc.

Roo83, her books and lamp seemed to do the trick but not anymore. We really don't want to be moving her into our room at the age that other toddlers are moving out of their parents rooms. Good luck with your birth in two weeks, and thanks for replying, you must be pretty tired at this stage of pregnancy, get as much sleep as you can now!

Hi there,

I really want to help you, I'm just trying to think of the best approach.

Sounds like the co-sleeping isn't a great idea. Perhaps dd will sleep better if she can settle herself to sleep. Has she always gone to sleep with you there or is this a new thing? I would suggest looking into different ways of getting her to do this.

Is the play-school open now? It may help if you can have a visit before she starts, or at least discuss your worries with the staff (if it's not actually open, it may be worth calling anyway as staff may still be popping in). Perhaps you could reassure her by really explaining that she wont be there for very long each day, and if she is worried about lunch time perhaps she doesn't have to stay for lunch to begin with?

Do you know what the settling process is at her play-school? I have been working in a pre-school for the last year, we mostly have two year olds. Our settling in process varies for each child. But there are lots of ways of helping the children to settle well. We encourage them to come and have a look around with their child first, when they register. Once the children come for their first proper session parents are welcome to stay as long as they wish (although children do usually settle quicker once their carer has left). They usually spend less and less time there each session and finally the children run in and forget to say goodbye! If children are struggling, they can take a toy home with them, or a booklet showing photographs of the setting which they can look through with mum and dad. Sometimes a visual timetable helps too, if they can take a copy home it's nice to talk that through with them too.

If she is starting school next year I personally think it's best to get her used to being without you (although I am sure others will disagree). By three and a half children should be able to spend short times away from you and can have really good social skills if you let them.

Be careful how you talk about the issue if she can overhear you. If she knows that you and dh struggled with shyness this may make her more apprehensive. Talk about it really positively but don't go on too much as that may build it up in her mind to an overly important situation.

I hope I haven't gone on too much! I'm sure you'll get some good advice here.

It's great that the playschool will let you stay with your DD. Is it just for the first few days, or will they extend that if necessary? I wonder if perhaps your DD would feel more secure if she was sure that you were able to stay for as long as she needs you. Perhaps the playschool could enrol you as an adult volunteer?

It's entirely possible that your DD will absolutely love the intellectual stimulation of playschool and tell you to go home on day 3 - but bless her, she doesn't know that yet! About the co-sleeping.. would a tiny nightlight be a workable compromise?

sorry, didn't read your last post properly before suggesting nightlights and I fully understand that you don't want to be moving DD into your room when most toddlers are moving out. Still, comfort is important and you might find it easier to deal with the separate room issue when things are a bit more settled?

(am writing from a co-sleeping family so might be a bit co-sleeping biased!)

Thanks everybody, lots of great advice here, you're all very kind to take the time to reply.I really appreciate the help

btonmummy, thanks, it's very reassuring to hear that as a pre school worker yourself such efforts are taken to settle children in. I think that you're right, since she is due to start school next year it would be best to for her to pass the hurdle of being away from us for short periods now. See, because we're in Ireland, this has caused us a bit of confusion too, because by law she doesn't have to start school until 5.5 yrs but we think she needs to start next year or she would be very bored since she is ahead in other ways. There is a language thing too, the playschool is run in Irish, as she is a very talkative child she is not too keen on this saying that she talks English, but we haven't made anything of that, she will pick it up easily. There was the odd comment about how outgoing she is in comparison to us when we were that age but only once or twice. You're right it shouldn't be said at all around her. We spell a lot during conversations, as I'm sure all parents do, and we are careful what we say. Although this playschool issue has been tricky because we have wanted to assure her she has options about going etc but without going on about it too much, it's hard to get a balance.

The playschool hasn't been open this week, but dd's two cousins attended it last year, so she at least has heard about it from them, although one cousin settled well and the other didn't so I'm not sure if that helps in the end

On the plus side, she did better last night, I now have a plan about upset in the night, I go in calmy explain it is still nighttime etc, that she sleeps in her bed in her bedroom etc, one song and I go back to bed. I saw this on the internet and it is helping. We all needed a little bit more sleep! I'm hoping she will return to not waking at all during the night.

Greenbananas, I really that you co-sleep and actually sleep, I sleep with total blackout! Crypt-like darkness which dd understandably hates and so she wins with the lamp on. The playschool will I think only let a parent stay for the first few days. My SIL though stayed for a few weeks last year as her dd was very unsettled. So maybe its flexible but we're eager for it to be her social space.I do think like you say she'll actually love it, just as she does the playpark, she just doesn't know it yet.

Anyway, thanks all,you've all been really thoughtful

Just a thought after what you said above...we've got a groclock that arrived last week. Instead of showing the time it has stars and is blue at night, and then in the morning (we set it for 7am) the sun comes up so ds knows it is morning and he can come in to us. We have also started a reward chart with photos (he cant read) of his rewards for going to bed nicely 3 nights running, and then a big reward (a bike) for 2 weeks...he's up to a week now!

I totally sympathise with you not being able to co-sleep...the few times we've had ds in bed with us, I cant sleep, and he wakes up every time me or dp roll over. I end up with a bad back from trying to stay in one position all night!

Hope she settles quickly, once she's there and having a good time the sleep should improve too.

Thanks very much Roo83, that clock sounds great, are they easy to get? A reward chart is a good idea also. Last night she wasn't so upset again but is still waking and crying a bit at the same times. I'm sticking to this calm firm process, it seems to be making a difference.

Trying not to stay in the same position in the bed is what I do too, it's impossible to get back to sleep like that, the sore back, that's exactly me!

Thanks again Roo83, I just googled the groclock, it looks great, a really good design, and nice book too. Littlewoods have them so I'm off to order one now, just wanted to let you know

DD is doing a lot better now, she didn't cry out last night at all, we've just got to work on getting her to bed earlier now, it's still really late (1 to 2) before she is settling. Playschool starts in a week and a half, we had thought it was this week, it would be great to have her getting a bit more rest by then. Thanks everyone

Hi seashore, I've only just seen this, I'm sorry I've not been about much lately. Ironically my ds1 2.9 has been doing a very similar thing! I'm exhausted and dp says I should get to bed earlier - I just can't face going to bed because I know I with be getting out of it again in 10 mins. :( Its like a form of torture " lovely comfy bed but you're not allowed to stay in it!!"

It sounds as tho you've got it sussed :) I would have only added the I'll check in 10mins thing.

hope you get a good nights sleep

Thanks kAQ, it is going so much better, there was an awful two full weeks with so little sleep, sorry to hear it's happening with your ds too it is so exhausting going to bed and knowing you'll be up again in no time. DD is sleeping the whole night through again so as long as she remains settled when she actually starts playschool ... the groclock arrived yesterday and she loves it, have you tried one of those KAQ?

Glad she is sleeping better-it shapes your entire day if you get up tired! I'm getting increasingly worried we'll have to actually buy ds the promised new bike. When I said it first, there was no way he'd do 2 weeks running, and now we are only a few days off!!

Thanks Roo83, the little story book is really lovely too, she stayed in bed until the last star which is such an improvement, just a half hr before up time instead of 3 hrs early! Sounds like you'll be buying that bike!