19m with separation anxiety

[TheWildOneskeeper]

Help / advice please - only mummy seems to do and has always done. Been consistent throughout & encouraged him to be independent / go to daddy etc, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better and, if anything, has got worse recently - no events to explain this at all. Tried explaining mummy is just going into the kitchen to get breakfast / trying to get him involved but he wants to me to pick him up and then often just wants to be put back down! He is at nursery since 9m and loves it there once mummy has gone - it seems as though as long as he can't see me he's absolutely fine, but if we're at home or out & about I don't get a moment's peace because he then has a tantrum if I don't pick him up and do something with him and I just don't want to spend all day having to (if you like) pander to him.......

i think what you're describing is very normal. my son is 18m and can be pretty similar. he is getting better gradually, and is just as happy with his dad as with me so it does ease the burden. i think you are doing all the right things and the fact that he is at nursery and happy shows he is not suffering by your lack of presence all the time. i think some of the tantrum-type stuff needs to be ignored, if you know he is fine and just being difficult. otherwise he will learn that he decides, not you. does distraction work? it helps a lot for us, so long as he's busy / engaged in something he will be quite content by himself.
sometimes i find it helps if i am physically unable to pick him up (eg on the phone and no hands free) as it forces me to be firm about it, so i steer him back to the lounge and hand him a toy, and he'll often give up. worst of all is when i am making his meals, he is such a greedy guts (bless him!!!!) thgat he can harldy bear to wait - but basically he has to and no amount of whinging is going to make me cook any quikcer. i think he just has to gradually get used to the idea that he doesnt always get his own way and that you can say 'no' to his demands - increasingly now our son is accepting us saying 'all gone' when we put certain things away even if he wants it (eg his crayons) or saying 'not for you' when he wants things he cant have. perhaps you could teach your son a phrase to understand that he cant be picked up at the moment because you're busy?
good luck.

Thanks for the advice. The problem with saying no is that he himself keeps saying no when you ask him to do things......so I have tried the mummy's busy doing.....but he still has a tantrum, throwing himself on the floor screaming.....it's just so wearing because if I'm around he always wants me!

hmm - 'no' is a very powerful tool in his vocabulary eh!! have you started a naughty step / chair? i would say that if he deliberately says 'no' he needs a consequence for not doing what you've asked - otherwise the word 'no' becomes his answer to everything if it works - and it needs to work when you say it otherwise he'll learn that he's in charge.
sometimes i'd give him a choice and let him say 'no' so that he gets to use his new word though - eg 'do you want an apple / story' - he could say no and that would be ok.
i would definitely ignore the tantrum.
we recently started naughty step and it does impact very quickly. just for 1 min.

I really sympathise with you!
My DD was exactly the same - and still is if there are other people in the house.

Good news though - she's 22 months now, and is so so much better.

Hope the phase doesn't last too much longer for you!