What sort of fears/anxiety does your 4 year old have? Worried about dd1

[suiledonne]

DD1 was 4 in May. She is definitely what I have learned on here as described as Highly Sensitive. I have learned to deal with her issues around clothes and things have improved in general in the past year.

She is still a nervous child and tends to over react in certain situations.

For example her grandmother bought her a lollipop today that I didn't see her choose. When she got to the end I noticed her chewing it and realised it was chewing gum. She went through a phase of picking up gum and I had told her it is nasty stuff, not to put it in her mouth etc. and today I just said the lollipop had chewing gum and she got really upset. She was coughing and making little choking sounds and seemed genuinely scared. She was so upset that I had to take her home.

She kept talking about it all day and I had to reassure her that it was fine, she didn't swallow it and that I had swallowed little bits of gum when I was small and was ok.

We were at my sister's house recently and BIL told dd off for throwing something at her cousin and she was in a state of complete shock. She couldn't speak at first and when she finally let it out was inconsolable for ages.

There are other incidences too - she was terrified by the noisy crows in the park to such an extent that months later she doesn't want to go back even though she used to love it there.

Is this normal for a sensitive 4 year old or do you think I need to see someone about her?

Thanks

Hi.
This must be very difficult for you. You do not mention whether she copes well with nursery/preschool? What do the staff there think?

If she is 4 does that mean she is starting Reception soon? The professionals there will have a wide experience and should be able to give you some idea of whether her behaviour is just at one end of the scale or worryingly off the scale.

There is no harm in going to talk to your GP. A good GP will take your anxieties seriously and talk it through with you. If this continues to be a problem you will have it on record if you then have to return to ask for referral to a psychologist later.

Is she too old for you to contact the Health Visitor attached to your surgery? They might be able to give you some reassurance.

What we all want as parents is the crystal ball. If you knew for sure she was going to grow out of it you could just relax! If only ...

In the meantime, if don't mind me giving you advice, I would try to be really relaxed yourself and 'ignore' her fusses as much as humanly possible. Obviously I don't mean in an unkind way, but just so that she isn't getting what psychologists call 'positive reinforcement'. Our children love attention and will repeat behaviours which make sure they get it fast. Try to distract her rather than soothe eg carry on talking brightly about something else, just chattering on, to try to divert her focus (and yours). Her anxiety is bound to make you anxious but you can try to pretend you are not!
Good luck.

greenwing Thanks for the reply. We are not in the UK so different school system here. She is starting pre-school next week although she is the age where she could go into school.

We tried her in pre-school last year but she has asthma and it flared up very badly requiring several hospital stays. She was finding it difficult to settle anyway and all the time off made it worse so we made a decision to take her out. She is on a new medication now and is a lot stronger physically than she was last year so we are hoping for the best.

I am interested to see what the staff at the preschool think. When she is in her comfort zone she is a talkative, bright child.

When she gets upset I find it hard to know how to deal with it. It the situations I mentioned she is so caught up in her emotions it is difficult to get through to her at all. I try to remain calm and not dismiss her fears - they are genuine, I think, but so far I have always given in and taken her away which is what she wants.

I find it hard to differentiate between attention seeking and genuine distress with her. She tends towards the dramatic in everything she does and has an unbelievable imagination.

Hi
Of course it is impossible for us to tell the difference between attention seeking and genuine distress. In a way the distress to her is just as real either way - and the distress to you too. If she has asthma of course that it a real complication because you are bound to be anxious about her.

Just keep on trying to be calm - easy for me to say I know! I would try the jolly approach - 'Oh dear, you are upset! Poor you! Never mind we'll try again another time! Now what shall we do now? or Do you remember that black cat we saw on the wall? It was ... (divert conversation)'

Of course if she is wailing loudly you can't do that!

Try using positive reinforcement. Call her brave, strong and confident to give her a positive self image. Use these words when she is in her comfort zone 'You are so confident!' when she is running in the park or climbing the slide or helping you in the house - anything she can do independently.
Then you can start to say how confident she will be when you are facing a situation which might cause her anxiety.
I used this with my youngest whose behaviour was a nightmare and chanted '-- is a good boy' at every opportunity to reinforce the behaviour I wanted, whilst ignoring the bad behaviour which seemed more frequent!

Also if she has a problem settling into pre school do stick it out. I am saying this as a primary teacher as well as a mother. Do all the talking, explaining, cuddling and saying goodbye before you get there. Then dash to the door and hand her over. She will stop more quickly if you leave her with the teachers. Hopefully the range of new experiences she will have there will develop her confidence.

Hope this is helpful and not too bossy.
Take care.