Advice please; kids and name calling

[Mum31]

I'm a regular but name changed.

I desperately need help as this is now causing big problems within our family.

Dh throughout his life has always had banter with his parents and brother re: body size. He was average size when a child unlike his brother and then as he became an adult began to gain weight. In his family ESP since I have been on the scene ere has always been "banter" about weight. Laughed off usually but I know once it was aimed at dh it upset him.

This is also e case with his "mates".

Now,dh is aware he is overweight and is desperate to loose weight but really find it haddock, so much so all his is affecting his mood and family life.

Dd started school a year ago thus mixing with other kids who have views etc.
One night walking home with other mums she commented to me about "fatty dad" .
I was shocked ESP as it was done in front of others and didn't make a deal until home.

Now it's a regular occurrence. Ds who is 3 is doing the same. Anyone who is larger on tv they laugh and call fatty and this week dd's friend came to play. I know something was said to dh but I thought it was from dd, in fact I have questioned dd this morning and in fact it was from her friend. I'm guessing she called dh fat and proceeded to stick her tongue out at him..saddens me...

I have time after time told dd and ds it makes people said being called names, dd just laughs..

We have just returned from our hols and tbh her manners and attitude is shocking and I'm hoping a new yr in school will bring her down to earth.

What do I do....?

It's causing dh major issues, I spoke to him last night where he commented that he would father not be home as he doesn't get name calling... He also won't do the school run or annoying that involves dd and school/friends because of the above....

Advice appreciated...

At I could gladly walk away from dd. She is obnoxious and a cocky 5 yr old...

Sorry for spelling probs... Silly laptop keeps spell checking and changing words about before I checked... Sorry..

Anyone..?

OK, it's not nice I totally agree and you need to seriously explain to her how it makes people feel.

HOWEVER, I'm totally shocked that your husband is saying he'd rather not be at home because of the name calling???? And he'd rather not do the school run because of it?! HE'S the adult! You're making him sound like a 6 year old hiding away from a 14 year old.

Cannot in any way ever imagine my husband saying he'd stay away because his children are calling him names!!!

But I understand what you are saying F m g but..... Would you not feel humiliated..? Imv that what dh's is affected by most. The embarrassment of being called in front of people. Not nice at all.

I know I wouldn't like having the worry that dd or ds was about to call me fat in front of friends..?

My children would only ever have to call me fat in front of my friends once and then would never ever again.

What I mean is, I would NEVER tolerate such disrespect. Don't get me wrong, my children can be rude and horrible, but never in front of other mums. Not to say they've never done it (they are older than yours) but I don't remember it and would mete out severe punishment if they ever did.

I cannot imagine them calling me or my husband 'fatty' or something in front of my friends.

You need to take a hard line on this. That kind of disrespect is NOT on!

sorry, hope my post wasn't too severe. Good luck! I don't mean to make out my children are perfect - they totally are NOT!!!!

Agree with fmg.At 5 your dd should be able to understand how unkind it is to call people names, and will not make her popular at school either.
And maybe it will give your dh the incentive he needs to lose weight.

It is giving dh the incentive but he seems set then fails or quits... I try and support him but guess it's up to him now..

How do I Punish dd then..? Seriously nothing seems to have an impact.

Shouting fails, as does taking to her level quietly, she just smirks which I'm not sure if it's genuine and intended or nervous iykwim...

I have tried taking toys etc from her... She seems unfazed sadly.

People see my lo's and comment how angelic and cute etc but this isn't the case.. As all kids.

Just what do I do to punish..?

It saddens me that dd has so little respect for dh and I and I often tell her we are her parents and not best friends. She knows it's wrong and nasty but still comes and does it.

Even calling me for having "fatty" boobies. She doesn't grasp the fact yet that come 10 years time she to will have "fatty" boobies. I ask if she would speak to her teacher in this way...she won't so why us..?

Next time she does it (inside the house or out) - 5 minutes time out? No TV for the rest of the day (or 2 days depending on what time of day she name calls), favourite toy taken away, no playdates. Think of something she really, really loves and deny her it.

Also, if she goes eg 2 or 3 days with no name calling, comment on it and give her a reward and say you're so pleased with her etc etc.

Consistency is the thing. As soon as she name calls, straight to the time out place for 5 mins (we used our porch, not bedroom, cos she can sit in there and chill out!).

Good luck!

Thanks fartm, I tried what you said actually last night before you said it.!

It wasn't over name calling but bad behaviour.... I took her toy off her that she loves ATM and I also sent her to bed minus a story yet ds still got one as usual. She hated it ! I hated it as well, but carried it out and must admit today shenhas been better. Will continue this over the name calling so watch this space...

Thanks again x

It's not easy, and I do remember when my dcs were that age, it's difficult to find something that will make a difference to them. Now, my ds is 12 and taking away his computer or XBox time usually does the trick.

Hope all goes well.

I'm feeling so very for your DH - must be horrible to hear this from his own children and so hard to know how to deal with it.

It sounds like your DD hasn't really taken on board how sad it makes her dad feel to be called these names, and how sad it makes you feel to hear her being cruel. Also sounds like she's developing a bit of a 'thing' about fat.

I don't know if you'll find this suggestion helpful or not (hope so!) but could your DD's teachers help you at all? They presumably know her fairly well. Sometimes teachers have a different perspective on things and get a different kind of respect. Maybe they could talk to the whole class about name-calling (without singling out your DD) and tell all the kids that name-calling is mean and makes people feel bad.

Agree with greenbananas. I do remember in P1 the teacher would talk to the whole class because of something one child did but not mention the child. Just a general talk. I think that's a good idea. She thinks she's being funny, she'll have no idea how upsetting name calling can be to anyone, and you don't want her to get into the habit of it or she'll have no friends left!