Help ! 5.10yr old wanting CONSTANT attention

[argeybargey]

Ok. I could really do with some feedback on this one . . . we have a 5, nearly six year old dd. Also a nearly 2yr old dd.

dd1 (5.10yrs)has always been something of a livewire. This in itself no bad thing; spirited is good , and she is very bright.But It was only when I had dd2 that I realised exactly how much of a 'livewire' dd1 was, and had been pretty much from day 1. We hadn't planned on having another child as taking care of dd1 felt like enough :). Of course, dd2 came along and was totally different -really easy going.

I treat both dd's equally. I don't do the 'favourite child'thing.There is no question that I love them both equally. But. I love being with dd2 and frequently don't enjoy being with dd1. Yes , I feel guilty as hell about feeling this way.

It isn't dd2 in herself - she is in many ways a sweetheart.And when she isn't 'playing up' she is a different child & a joy to be with. But .When she 'plays up'. . . :( . . . I could really do with some feedback from other mumsnetters on this.

Is it 'normal behaviour' for a 5 nearly 6 yr old to want CONSTANT attention ? This is not a recent thing. If I am honest I believe that her dad has created the situation as from day one he has , imo, given her far too much , constant, 1:1.His own dad favoured his sister and I think that dh does this as he is overcompensating, loves dd so much (which is brilliant of course)but thinks that giving her constant 1:1 will prove that to her. Yes I have tried to talk with dh about this but he just thinks says what's so bad about a dad playing with his daughter. Of course nothing , it's fab , and he is a brilliant parent in many ways. But it's ALL THE TIME when he is at home, often to exclusion of watching dd2 , or getting anything else done. Basically he can't say no to dd1. Tries sometimes, but usually gives in. Is this a dad, daughter &normal 'wrapped around little finger' thing ?!
Consequently, nothing else gets done at home so I have to do pretty much all of it (housework, house maintenance/garden) and I am getting resentful. Also, dd1 , once dh has gone to work, wants my constant attention as well. I am also trying to look after dd2 (a toddler) and make some order out of domestic chaos. Admittedly it's all come to a head over summer holidays.

Problems arise when dd1 can't have the constant attention that she wants ,usually when dh is at work(I say no to her you see)- then ( I am sure you can guess)we get the inevitable negative attention seeking & it exhausts me &stresses me out A LOT. Sometimes I end up shouting at her as she just goes on and on and on and then (inevitably)I feel guilty as hell and like I am a truly crap parent: ( And I don't believe that I am, in many other ways.

Also, when we go to inlaws dd1's behaviour becomes horrendous if she is not the focus of attention.She will also revert to 'baby' type behaviour there. Also we have a MAJOR problem with 'selective hearing'with her , and she just doesn't listen when I do talk to her about her behaviour. She will usually look every which way rather than at me, fidget , generally distract herself - I will insist upon eye contact so that I know that she has actually heard what I have said but she will then usually either laugh as she doesn't take it seriously or will throw a tantrum. We also have that thing where she will show off in front of visitors/friends/anybody really and often embaress me in the process :(Is this normal for a nearly six year old / As she is my 1st born I have no older children to compare this behaviour with .

School have sent glowing reports and she is an angel apparently , well mannered, able to focus, very bright - so wtf ?! dd1 is obviously only like this at home :( So of course I am thinking that it is dh & I and that we are doing a very bad job of parenting. I am so down at the moment that I feel that I shouldn't be a parent at all.

I am permanently stressed out.

In fairness to dh , he doesn't let dd1 get away with everything, does say no to her sometimes and has got firmer over last few nmonths as we have talked about dd1's behaviour and have both agreed that there is an issue with it and that we need to both be firmer with her (not just one of us). But so far we havn't seen much improvement :(

Are there any mumsnetters who have been through similar I would really appreciate any advice. Thankyou in anticipation :)

I mean 'embarass' (sorry I'm a bit obsessive about spelling lol)

Sounds stressful for you

And it's hard juggling the (very) different needs of a toddler and a nearly 6yr old

FWIW, I sometimes find my 4yr old hard work to be around, compared to my 6yr old. Like you, I love them absolutely equally, I don't prefer one over the other, just that to me, 3-4yr olds are bloody hard graft

I think what you're describing isn't massively abnormal behaviour or anything, but I do think your obv bright dd has picked up on the 'split' that has occured between you and DH's parenting styles. There's a good cop/bad cop thing going on and she's acting it out BIG TIME

A united front is all that's needed. Sit DH down again and re-explain everything you've posted about here. If he's a reasonable bloke (and he clearly loves dd) he'll try and sort it out. Maybe point out the potential detrimental effect his r/ship with dd1 could have on dd2 as she becomes more aware...

Good luck

Thanks notnowbernard - that has really clarified for me what is happening here.I totally agree(and kind of knew)re:the good cop/bad cop thing. I know that the split in parenting styles isn't healthy and that yes, dd1 is picking up on that & acting up.And I'd agree with BIG TIME too :(

I am going to try and talk to dh again tonight.Not in itself always the easiest of tasks but that's another post :(

I feel like now I can see that the real issue here is what is causing dd1 to behave in way that she is :( And that It's down to us :( I just feel gutted that we are making such a mess of parenting and almost think that we shouldn't be parents :(

• would be interested to hear if other mumsnetters have had experience of this kind of situation though . Also of dealing with acting up, and of a child of this age behaving in this way ? Thanks :)

Look, don't beat yourself up too much about it - you're not crap parents, you just need to re-define the 'ground rules' type-thing and sing from the same song sheet...

Good luck with The Chat with DH

My DC send me deranged on a frequent basis. It is par for the course, surely?!

My 5 year old is a little like this in that she seems to need near constant adult interaction, but doesn't actually act out/have negative behaviours if she doesn't get it- just sort of seems oblivious and follows me around chatting or including me in the games anyway!

I think your dd sounds bright and just enjoys adult attention. I get some peace now as dd2 is 3 and old enough to play well with dd1.

Its hard though as I'm actually put off playing as I know the more I give the more they want. So if I start, its hard to get away and get anything done and then they want to play the same game with me day in and day out which I just don't have the patience for

Thankyou so much - it is just good to hear that other people go through this too and have same struggles .

DH & I did have a good talk about all this last night and since then (although it was only yesterday)we have been a lot more together on this (we have had to road test this several times already.)

I'm still not sure how much of this is also an age/developmental thing aside from the fact that yes, I accept that she does act out also. The acting out does really worry me as I fera that it may lead to bigger problems later on :( but I am also hoping that things will start to shift a little from now on and start to get better. I'm also hoping that things WILL get better as she gets a bit older..and not that the acting out gets worse :(

I am really struggling with keeping a lid on shouting at Dd1 when she keeps on and on and on at me until I snap. I hate shouting at her. I feel so guilty after.I feel ashamed that I am shouting at my child.Does anyone know best way to deal with this so I don't end up shouting out of sheer frustration & exhaustion ??

Hi, we sound in a really similar situation. My ds is 5.5 and my dd is 15 months. The summer has been hard work. My ds wants to be played with constantly and like op said the more you give the more he wants. I also get the negative behaviour and do time out in his room. It's so hard because before dd came along hevhad my sole attention and I think that he has struggled with. He us also bad at the inlaws, I try to give him so much positive praise (mainly as dd gets a lot of attention there). It's hard and I don't have the answers but your not alone Hun.

Thanks CharlieBoo - not just us then :( - reading your post was like having a mirror held up to the situation that we are dealing with. I am wondering how much of this is a reaction to dd2's arrival on the scene. . dd1 is a great 'big sister' but perhaps we have underestimated the shock to her system of suddenly not being the only child getting all of the attention.dd1 also gets a lot less attention at inlaws than dd2 does (although I think that this is purely because dd2 is at that 'cute' toddler stage)...I hope that things get easier for you too , and on a brighter note they are all back at school this weeek : )