Struggling to stay positive

[Emmalou]

I seem to be stuggling at the moment and could do with hearing from other mums who are maybe feeling the same way. There's a long list of things to get through but it all started when my 2nd baby girl was born last year. She's nearly 10 months now and I have a another girl of 3yrs 4 months. The eldest is a very demanding child and needs constant attention. I have always had to organize my days to make sure I keep her amused. If she's bored or feels neglected she gets descructive and does all those things you hate to wind me up. I was able to cope when it was just her but now I have another one to look after I often dread the next day. When she's not getting 100% of my attention she takes it out on dd 2 - pulling her over, hitting etc. We went through a very bad time with this when dd2 came along and finally came through the worst with a star chart, firm guidelines and just getting older I think. The situation was exhasperated by the fact that dd 2 was critically ill at 2 weeks old with bronchiolitis and nearly died. Through talking to the doctor and HV I've been referred for some counselling to try and resolve some of the issues left over from that (unable to waker her in the night, cold to the touch ...). I feel so guilty all the time as I spend hardly any time with her and she never seems to smile for me. Why would she? It breaks my heart. If dd1 hurts her in any way or keeps me from doing something important for her (feed her!) I just feel myself about to explode. I feel some hatred towards her for doing it and then hate myself for feeling this way. My husband has had a bad run of luck with work, being made redundant several times in the last 2 years so although very supportive has his own issues to deal with too. The only help around me is my family who seem intent on making me feel worse with comments like "we did it all in our day you know, no help at all ..." I have a cleaner once a week and my husband cooks our main meals and they ridicule me for that. I spend my evenings cooking food for the children and freezing it but that doesn't seem to count. I work 3 days a week and feel like I have no time to think, breathe, collect my thoughts, yet everyone around me seems intent on making me feel inadequate. I sometimes feel like I've done a poor job with dd1 for needing SO much attention. My friends have children that play on their own. Both me and my husband are quite needy so I think it runs in the family but who's to know. I also started smoking again after dd2 was born. When she came out of hospital the relief was enourmous and it was a great excuse to start again. I don't smoke around them but feel constantly guilty about it. Somehow it makes me feel like I'm coping or at least that's what I tell myself. Work is incredibly stressful on top of everything else. I'm the only girl in an enginereering team and constantly looked down on for my part-time status and being "behind" from being out so much on maternity leave and my 2 days off. Am I the only one dealing with these issues or is there anyone else out there finding things a bit tough? I hope I don't sound too sorry for myself. Words of wisdom would be appreciated.

No words of wisdom, but I know where you are coming from. My ds is one of those who needs a lot of energetic trips out to make him manageable. I dread going round other people's houses because he always runs around eveywhere, slamming their doors etc. I don't think that I could cope with two yet, and I totally symapthise with you.

I am a SAHM, so I don't have work issues to deal with but, coming from an Asset Management role, I know how bitchy men can be, especially about maternity leave. You can't win - if you go back to work you are a bad mother, but if you stay at home, you are sponging off the man of the household.

I am suffering from depression, and wonder whether you are taking anything to help you through the days, as it seems to all be getting on top of you at the moment. Don't worry what your family think. Why shouldn't you have a cleaner if you can afford it. Also, why shouldn't your dh cook? He sounds like he is very supportive, so don't worry what anyone else thinks.

Good luck. We are all here to chat if you need us.

Emmalou - I'm not in a situation like yours, but it sounds to me like you are doing absolutely the best you can for your children.
It sounds like the time after your dd2 was born was extremely stressful to say the least, and I hope that counselling will help you to get your feelings more out in the open. Could you visit your doctor again to make sure you are not suffering from depression?
I don't think you've done a poor job with dd1 - some children want lots of attention because that's part of who they are, and she's obviously an intelligent child, because you say she's worse when she's bored. Don't beat yourself up over something that you have no control over - be proud of what you are achieving.
As for having a cleaner and a husband that cooks - sounds like pure bliss to me! Why shouldn't you have some help around the house instead of doing it all yourself whilst trying to keep two children occupied at the same time?
Don't feel guilty about smoking again - if you want to give up again in the future you can, and in the meantime it's obviously giving you some relief. As for work, sod the men's opinions - be proud of the fact that you're succeeding both at work and as a mum, too.
I'm sure things will settle down for you soon, and in the meantime remind yourself that you have two wonderful daughters whom you obviously love very much, and a loving, supportive husband. Also, try telling your family that you find their comments hurtful and need their emotional support, not criticism. You will make it through the hard times, just hang on in there.
Chincilla is right - we are all here to chat whenever you need us, so make sure you keep us updated on how you are doing. Also, where do you live? Perhaps there are some mumsnetters in your area who could lend a sympathetic ear?

Blimey Emmalou, sounds horrible and I'm not surprised you're feeling down. Not much time so here are my v quick thoughts:

• Smoking - gave up myself recently (I'm pregnant) and it is hard. For the moment I'd really suggest you don't try. I know smokers always find excuses but really, the most stressful time in your life isn't the time to try - wait until things have calmed down.
• Your dd1. As she gets older I'm sure she'll be keener to play on her own but atm sibling rivalry and her age means she's demanding maximum attention from you. It sounds hard (and I've only got one 5yo) but are there any friends you could swap children with so you get the odd break? i.e. you have hers and vice versa sometimes. I remember that pre-school time as being frustrating in terms of constant attention even though I only have one so I really don't think it's your fault, I think it's a combination of that age and you get the type of child you get.
• Agree, ignore unhelpful comments from family. They're jealous I'd say because yep, they did have to do it all in their day but you can bet they'd have loved some help. Try to rise above it (easier said than done I know).
• I hope the counselling helps too. Presumably you could talk some of these other things through with your counsellor too? I'm glad your dd2 pulled through.
• Work: no advice really except to try to rise above this too. Presumably they'd all be welcome to work part time too if they fancied the subsequent drop in salary, status etc? Oooh, it makes me cross!

And try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you've had some tough things to deal with recently so hang on in there and keep talking here if it helps. Best of luck.

Read the suggestions on the "Depression - any advice thread". This seems to be full of good advice to stressed mums.

Haven't got much time but, for what it is worth, please don't waste any time feeling guilty about what you are not doing - when you are obviously doing so much! I only have one child - ds: the same age as your dd1 -and have times when I too find it all too much; particularly when he is going through a tough phase. You have two young ones to care for, plus a part time job, plus your husband's worries to share (know what you are both going through, same thing happened to mine in the past two years) - and from where I am standing you seem to be doing a bloody good job. As for your DD1 - she sounds like quite a typical 3 year old to me! I think the important thing is to try really hard not to let her get to you, IME the more down you get the harder they become to deal with. It's a vicious circle and one that is very easy to get sucked in to. DS has been driving me mad recently with his bad behaviour and I was feeling incredibly depressed - so a week ago I instigated a sticker chart to reward good behaviour. I really doubted that it would work, but so far he has been an absolute angel and I have been amazed by the difference in his behaviour... and mine. The upshot is that I'm enjoying his company again because he's not being a brat, and he's enjoying mine because I'm not being an ogre. I know it is early days - and apologies for offering such a small solution - but it might be worth a try if you haven't already gone down that route!

Also, don't worry about the smoking - hardly the best time to give up imo (says she reaching for another marlborough light).

Finally, regarding other people's comments - sod them and all who sail in them.

Lots of love xx

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Emmalou

My sympathies, I have a similar age gap with my two DS's and it can be incredibly hard at times. I will also return to work 3 days a week soon and at a loss as to how things will work out.

Unlike you, my DH is not terribly helpful and is rather like a child himself, often venting anger at DS1 unnecessarily and unsuccessfully. My family are sympathetic but an additional burden as they are incredibly needy themselves and I spend much of my time running around various hospitals after my parents' appointments as well as DS2s ones.

I have few useful friends but also get paid help in the form of a cleaner and occasional mother's help. I have experienced pnd with my previous pregnancy and hope not to get it this time, even though the conditions are ripe. Hang in there, if you are in SW london I would be happy to listen to your worries and offer any support.

Lisalisa, your comments are very helpful and I have drawn strength from them.

Emmalou it sounds like you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the frightening experience of your baby's serious illness. Basically this would be affecting your whole take on life making you generally fearful and depressed. I suggest a visit to your GP and tell him/her what you have told us.

I read all your messages and almost cried. It's just what I needed. Yes, I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and mild depression but am having difficulty coming to terms with it. I have always been so strong and "the coper" that the thought of acknowledgeing these things makes me feel worse. I have a counselling session on Tuesday and can't wait. It's great to hear from people who sympathasize and can relate to my difficulties. I am trying "sod em all" as much as possible. So far so good.

emmalou - I don't really have anything useful to add to the posting but just to say that it sounds like you are very normal and just dealing with a very stressful situation. try not to be so hard on yourself. being a mum is a very hard job. Hope the counselling helps.

lisalisa - what an awful thing to go through with dd2 - I can't imagine how grim it must have been. xxx

Emmalou - just to say that I had ptsd too after ds' horrendous birth. I had counselling and, while it took a while to feel relaxed enough to open up, once I did I found it very helpful. I also think you have inadvertently hit the nail on the head when you talk about being the "coper". If you are used to being strong and taking charge it hits you for six when you are suddenly faced with a situation over which you have no control at all - which pretty much sounds like what happened to you. In my case I was so traumatised that I did not recognise the person I had become, and that petrified me. Counselling allowed me to take in what had happened and take strength from the fact that I had got through it - by focusing on the positives you slowly claw some of the power back. Anyway, hope this garbled psycho-babble makes a bit of sense (sorry, I've just seen the time and I've got to go out in a minute!) and I also hope the counselling helps. Chin up chuck and if you ever want to email me direct then fire away.

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If I could afford it I would have a cleaner and if he could cook dh would be! So perhaps there is some jealousy in people who say "oh, I did it all myself." You should tell them no one likes a cleverboots!

I have twin sons aged 19 months and there have been days where I sit and cry because everything has gone wrong, the house is a mess, I am exhausted and there is still a ton of housework to do! On a good day I still feel I am chasing my tail.

I have found families can be of no help and can make you want to commit murder. After an emergency ceasarean, 10 days in hospital and two babies to look after my s-i-l and her 7yr old hyperactive son arrived on my second day home expecting to be entertained (she was desperate for a cuppa, I sat on my backside, she knew where the kettle was!)

Sometimes you just have to be bloody-minded like that. It is not their life it is yours.