Should you ever refuse a hug?

[yummum01]

I know it sounds harsh and I never thought i'd ask the question but what does anyone think?

My ds is 3.8 and she's going through her devil fase at the moment. She seems to have 1 week on, 2 weeks off. On being, she's an angel.

Today is a bad day. She's pulled my hair, bitten her nanna, slapped my face............you name it she's done it. The problem is when she's done it and calmed down (i'm usually in tears at this point) she crawels all over me for attention and reassurance. She says she wants a cuddle but at that moment I don't want to be in the same room as her let alone cuddle her. Is this too harsh? Or does anyone think it's still like giving her a reward for bad behaviour?

Thanks, any advice or experiences appreciated. :)

Poor you...my four year old seems to be going through a similiar phase of being a wee devil one moment and then hugging me and saying "I love you Mummy" or "are you my best friend?". It kind of feels that to do anything other than reciprocate the affection would be churlish.

Interested to know what other more experienced Mums think, but I've ended up going along the withdrawal of affection route (something along the lines of "I love you very much, but right now I'm very disappointed that you hurt the baby etc etc and I don't want to hug you"). This is only in response to her displays of affection and alongside the standard discipline route of time out etc.

No idea if it's the right thing or not though

We do things slightly differently.

If a behaviour is serious enough to have a consequence of you feeling like you do not want a hug, it is probably serious enough to use time out.

We give time out for unacceptable behaviour. When time out is finished and we have received an appology, the incident is forgotten and so there is no limit on cuddles.

Time out has to be consistant, and the consequence has to be immediate. If you are still stewing over an incident when your ds asks for a cuddle 5 mins later and you refuse, that is setting him up to feel rejected, rather than to understand consequences iyswim.

I have used 'we' quite a lot, when in actual fact, I am probably far more strict with this than dh - which is another problem in itself.

Book I've read recommends the following if you are genuinely so cross/distressed you cannot respond with a sincere hug...say to the child "I am very [cross/upset/hurt] right now because you .... but I will come and find you in a short while when I feel better" or words to that effect. Then take a deep breath, compose yourself and when ready sit with child quietly, explain what they did wrong and ask for an apology before you both hug and make up.

The hugging and making up bit is really important and should be sincere and take as much time as it needs. Follow up with an activity she can help you with or spend time together another way. If you hug soon after an incident and it means you do it really quickly or half heartedly then you have missed that valuable opportunity to repair and reinforce your relationship. Just don't forget to go and find the child when you are calmer!

I'm sure kids get to the age where they know that asking for a hug is a way of deflecting consequences of poor behaviour. Not sure what that age is though, some kids are smarter at working people out than others.

I am torn on this one

On one hand I think affection should never be withdrawn and is the bedrock of a child's emotional security and healthy development

at the same time I think it's sometimes a good thing for children to understand that adults have real feelings, and can be upset and cross etc - natural consequences rather than contrived punishments are more honest

it is a human relationship after all

so I am not sure what is right here

Thanks everyone. I was worried I was going to get a flood of responses like"Don't ever fefuse a hug!!!!.......that's terrible!!"etc.

Apparently I can't spell either. Obviously I meant 'phase'. It's been a long day.lol

Greensleeves that is pretty much exactly what i'm thinking. Before I had children I would have definitely said you never withdraw affection but I just don't know now.

I have resorted to good old Disney to have a a bit of quiet time. Fingers crossed it lasts.

I've got a little bit teary at the sensibleness of these anwsers. I think I've been hanging around AIBU too long.

INteresting to read these answers, because my DD of 2.4 tries to diffuse (I think) my attempts to discipline her by asking for a cuddle. I never know whether to give her one, but usually try and stick to my guns and tell her she can have a cuddle when the tanty stops!

Mamalamoo - lovely answer . Which book uses that recommendation? I may add it to my library of parenting manuals!

Ooh Formerdiva you are making me blush !

The book is "The Baby Book" by William and Martha Sears who are attachment parenting advocates.