Lost it with DD this morning - feel terrible...

[bean612]

DD is nearly 21 months and a lovely, funny little girl with a very strong personality. She is also a horribly early riser, starting the day between 5 and 6am every day, and for the last couple of weeks it has been between 5 and 5.30. Needless to say, the early starts are exhausting.

So this morning began at 5.15, when she woke and I took her into our bed for cuddles and a drink, as DH or I do every morning. She was mostly quite chirpy, but got sulky because I didn't give her her bottle of water quick enough, and yelled and hit me in the face (which she does quite often when she's cross). Then she shouted at DH when we went to wake him (we take it in turns to go to the spare room and get an extra couple of hours' sleep once she wakes up).

Then she shouted, banged her cup, shouted some more, banged her cup some more over breakfast, despite me repeatedly asking her not to - calmly and nicely. Then I just lost it, and roared, really roared: "Will you SHUT UP!" across the kitchen.

She seemed unfazed - she did indeed stop making a noise, but she just looked blankly at me. DH was furious with me and told me to leave the room - I refused (don't know why), so he hoiked her out of her highchair and took her to the living room to read her a story. I went in a few minutes later and apologised to her, she just said 'cereal?', cos that's what she'd been eating when I shouted, I took her back to the kitchen and she finished her breakfast without any further upset or noise from either of us.

I don't think she was that bothered by me shouting - not that I'm saying for a second that it was okay - but I feel awful. Although it's rare, it's not the first time I've done it. I think it's a combination of permanent tiredness and the fact that she had been hitting me, which as I mentioned she does often if she's frustrated or cross - hitting my face and/or pulling my hair.

I know she's still very little, but I feel as though she is now old enough to know that hitting, etc is wrong - I always tell her as much - and that if I ask her not to shout and bang things, that she knows she ought to stop. Usually I just move her cup/fork etc out of reach so she can't bang, but this time... Oh lord. Does anyone else ever lose it like this? Sorry for the long ramble...

Don't beat yourself up about this, it is really easy to become frustrated and upset when tired and children are misbehaving. I'm sure it hasn't affected her in the slightest.

If someone was screaming and shouting at their children permanently then yes it would affect them but if they are normally spoken to with love and happiness then an odd little rant isn't going to do them any harm i'm sure.

I'm afraid I can't help with the hitting/behaviour maybe you could ask your health visitor.

Yes, I've screamed at DS before, and it's usually before breakfast (when we're both tired and hungry) and it's usually about hitting. I can be calm and patient mummy about most things but there's something about being hit that just pushes my buttons...

When I've shouted at DS, I usually talk to him afterwards and say "mummy was wrong for shouting at you but it made me very cross when you hit me. I'll try not to shout again if you try not to hit again."

If you usually do the "right" things, the occasional shout won't hurt. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Sounds like something that could happen in my and many other homes on any given day - I really don't think it's unusual for parents to have the occassional meltdown.
I'm never sure if it's me (tiredness/hormones/stress or what) or my children (tiredness/teething/trying out boundaries) but some days I fail to cope with stuff that I usually take in my stride.

The main thing is that you apologised and your DD has recovered nicely. You know it is not how you want to behave and can take steps to find other ways to handle the situation in future, and it sounds like a rare enough occurence that your DD won't think it's an acceptable way to behave. As DH was with DD, you had the option to leave, but it is very hard to effectively discipline a toddler (mostly lots of repetition emphasising the behaviour you like to see and gritted teeth when you get the bad stuff instead).

Not sure I would have reacted well to DH ordering me from the room - too much like being treated like a child 'get to your room, this instant'. Did he think you needed space to calm down?

It won't have caused any problems for your dd that you shouted at her. Your husband was wrong to demand you leave the room and a bit childish to remove your child just to make a point.

Start with trying to sort the early mornings. Does she have a nap in the day?

You need to tell her no firmly when she hits, etc and remove yourself from her.

I know this is not going to help, but DS 22m wakes at 4.50 every morning and I too have shouted at him a few times through lack of sleep all we tend to do is go to bed earlier to compensate.
I?ve been told they do get better at sleeping longer, but even if not, we can get them back when they get older and want to lie in till dinner. I was thinking vacuuming their bedroom etc
Just try to get to bed a little earlier and reduce the battle risks. We had issues this morning because I put toothpaste on his brush

Don't worry. We all start out with stellar expectations of the parents we want to be, but few of us actually realise those expectations.
I can't speak for everyone, but I've certainly occasionally really yelled at mine. Yes, it's not ideal, but as long as it's not the norm, don't feel too bad. Try to work on coping strategies when she is really really pushing your buttons (even if the coping strategy is to make sure she's safe and walk out of the room).
Even if she does know, academically, that hitting is wrong, she won't understand why, or the possible consequences, and she's not doing it to be mean. It obviously does need to be nipped in the bud though. How verbal is she? I found mine were at their most awful when they were just learning to talk - it was, I think, the frustration of being able to say a few things but not always get what they really meant across.
Good luck. Toddlers are really challenging.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Nobody's perfect, and from what you've said, it doesn't even sound as though you upset her.

Ah, I wish, wish, wish we could sort the early mornings! We have tried everything, believe me: earlier bedtime, later bedtime, longer daytime nap, shorter daytime nap, blackout blind, velcroing the blackout blind to the windowframe so not a chink of light gets in, trying to treat it as a 'night-time waking', so leaving her to fret for a while (but never really wail - we always go in if it gets to that point)... If anyone has any other tips, please do share! I know her shoutiness in the morning is probably due to her being tired - she's always exhausted by the end of the morning and we've moved her nap to before lunch, or she has a really early lunch and then sleeps...

I do tell her 'no' firmly when she hits, and sit her down on the floor and leave the room, or move away from her if she's in my bed. BornToFolk is right, though - there is something about being hit that just really touches a nerve.

You have to talk to your DH, because from where I sit, he has made you not "adult' in the eyes of your DD.
Your DH shouldn't disagree with you in front of her and removed her to read a story (treat). For her it is like; Mum was angry because I did something wrong but dad think it deserves a treat. I will go to dad now on and won't listen to mum.
If it becomes a regular occurence it will be very hard for your to discipline your DD.
If he disagrees he should talk to you later without your DD witnessing it. And certainely not giving her treats when she misbehaves.
You won't have done anything wrong to her by shouting, especially if it is only once.

Well tbh I can't cope in the morning before I have had a coffee and something to eat.

DD is full on from the moment she opens her eyes and I find it the hardest part of the day. DH is already at work by the time we get up (5am starts) so its just me and after an incident similar to the one you described I decided something had to change.

I can't remember what age dd was when I started it but she is now 2.9 months.

Before we go to bed, I set something up in the living room (get her box of bricks out, arrange her dollys on the sofa)

We come straight down when she gets up. Then I say to her go and play which she does, she used to call me all the time and try to come into the kitchen but I used to say 'mummy's busy doing breakfast, you'll have to wait a minute' and she has slowly got to used to me going into the kitchen and doing breakfast while she plays with her toys.

It gives me five minutes peace, and lets her let off a bit of steam before we sit down together at the table to eat breakfast.

Its the only way I could deal with the noise of the mornings!

Don't beat yourself up, try and find a way you can cope till you have both eaten and fel human!

Was just remembering that my DS was one of those children who went through a phase of waking early and not wanting to resettle. So I'd haul myself up and get ready to start the day - only to find that he dropped off to sleep again by about 8:30am.

In the end, I introduced an early morning nap for a few months - which gave me a quiet hour at about 9.30am (after my DD's school run) to have my own breakfast/tidy up/gather the shreds of my sanity/join him in a nap. It did help, although it felt very strange to be encouraging a nap before the day had even really started.

I did like pipra, up at 4, 4.30 a big bottle, a quiet play with dim light, a cuddle and back to bed for morning nap for DD1. I would go back to bed (rarely) or have my own breakfast, shower, tidy up... in peace! That way when DD woke up again, we were ready to go (usually 8.30 /9) after her breakfast and quick shower.
I would go to bed early too between 9 and 11 depending of tiredness, sometimes straight after her when really down.

It's so good to hear of other parents who are losing it from time to time!
My DS (20 months) has taken to hitting me quite regularly. After lunch today, we went upstairs to change a pooey nappy, and then I was going to read him a story and put him down for his sleep. When I picked him up to go into his room he hit me square on the nose right where my glasses sit. I really yelled at him, and he laughed (which he usually does). So I whisked him into his room, put him straight to bed, closed the curtains and left. And he went to sleep! Didn't even cry! Ahhh!!! That just makes me feel like a terrible mother.
I always tell him that it is not nice to hit and that we don't hit people, but he still hits (me especially) and throws toys (sometimes at people - I got a stacking cup in the face during bath time last night).
I really hope it is just connected to language development and he will grow out of it, like he did with throwing food. But it is really starting to grate on me.
Thanks for letting me rant!

same as piprabbit also - introduced a nap after breakfast and went back to bed at the same time. Eventually we realised that DS was hungry and that's why he was waking so early so we stuffed him full of food before bed. He did often still wake at 5am but after a drink would normally go back to sleep..

I noticed you hadn't mentioned wake to sleep, have you tried this?

There was a point when, if I fed (breastfed) DD about 2-3 hours after she woke up (ie. between about 7.30 and 8.30), she'd go back to sleep. However, we soon learnt that if this happened later than about 9am, and/or she slept for more than about 15 minutes, she would then not nap at all for the rest of the day - and would be beside herself with tiredness by bedtime.

Now she won't do this any more anyway, plus she is about to start nursery so it won't really be an option on the 3 days she's there. I do worry about her coping with a hectic morning at nursery when she's been awake for 3-3.5 hours before she even sets foot in the door... Sigh.

Re wake-to-sleep - Jareth, you're right, that's about the only thing we've never tried. I'm just too terrified that if I roused her at 4.30, or 4.00, she'd just wake up for the day. She has, after all, occasionally woken up at 4.30 for the day by herself (bleurgh)...

She'll probably just grow out of it. DS used to be an early waker too - 5.30am was not uncommon but he's gradually got later and later over time and recently has been waking between 6.30-7am (having gone to bed at 7pm).
Actually I don't know when he wakes up but that's when he starts to make noise. The other good thing about them getting older is you can bribe ask them to be quiet in the mornings!

Nursery may knacker her out enough to sleep a bit longer, or the change to routine might get her out of the habit of waking early? I hope so for your sake.

I hope so, BTF! How old is your DS? At the moment, giving her things - books, a drink, toys - to distract her for some precious extra duvet time just doesn't work. She just wants mummy's company.

Generally it's rather lovely lying in bed chatting to her quietly at the start of the day, but on the days when she is grumpy and hits, especially when it's still dark, it really isn't...

He'll be three in October. We got him one of those Gro-clocks that "wakes up" at a pre-set time so that comes on at 6.30am and we've asked him not to make a noise before then. He gets a sticker if he makes it through the night without waking us up.

I was having a lie in on Sunday, and DP was downstairs with DS. When I came down, DS rushed over, gave me a sticker and said "there you go Mummy. That's for not waking me up!"