How do I deal with this? - (longish)

[Vaunda]

Hi,
I have a ds who is 7 yrs old and has developed what i can only describe as nightmarish behaviour. This generally happens when his bio father comes to visit. I split with him when ds was 22 months old, he clearly remembers the reasons why and on occassion brings it up. when he was 4 1/2 i met a man and we married just after he turned 5 (yes it was very fast). he calls my hubby "Daddy" and totally adores him, when his bio father visits or calls he turns into a right so and so towards Daddy and me. last night we held a family meeting, the 3 of us sat down and discussed things to see if we could find a solution and of course the reason he acts like this. he old us that the reason he acted the way he does is because he "Wants to test daddy and see if he is either going to hit him or walk out like Ben did". Well poor hubby was so saddened by this as he is so devoted to ds. ds's father regularly hit me and the last time he hit me was the night before i threw him out (with the help of police) because in hitting me he had caught ds as well. ds wants to see his father and last night told us the reason for this is he wants him to see he has a loving daddy now. So why the testing and what can i do about it? do i stop father visiting, he comes to our home weekly as i don't trust him to take ds out. and also ds has a condition which means he passes out with the slightest knock and his father is not equipped to cope or deal with this. Or do i allow the visits to continue so i don't upset ds by stopping them?

I hope someone can help me as this is driving me mad, have not slept in few weeks cos of it and especially last night as i was trying to figure it all out.

Hi Irish,

DS saw his father regularly from the time we split up for 6 months then he refused to go, he would throw his clothes in the bath and turn taps on, put his shoes in the rubbish, pretend to be asleep when he turned up to get him, you name it he did it. I was not the only one who witnessed this as a lot of the time he would be at my mums (as i didn't like to see his father as we were on bad terms). His father also realised he didn't want to see him when he told him, "I don't like you very much and i don't want to call you dad". The visits stopped for about 6 months (until DS started nursery) then after a few months of father visiting he was too busy to see DS. I then met hubby when he was 4 1/2 and after a couple of weeks DS asked him "can you be my new daddy as my real father doesn't have time for me". I had never said a bad word against his father in front of him he had realised it himself. Only after hubby n I married did the visits start again and then it was only because 3 months after we wed my darling dad died and DS's father was coming to his funeral. The visits were regular for a few months and then DS made arrangements for father to visit and he didn't turn up. DS had a flaming row with his father and told him he wanted to see him but only if he could be reliable. Again the visits stopped and started again in december 2004.The visits stopped again in end of may beginning of June 2005 and have just started again.
If DS says he wants to see his father or vice versa i let the other one know. I don't want to be the one who stops it but I want to get on with my life without all the confusion.

His father and I are able to get on and NOW he is working alongside hubby and I to work out what DS wants. But i still getting stressed and confused with it all.

Vaunda, I have no experience of this and no advice at all, but your DS does seem to be extremely bright and emotionally intelligent...hoping someone else on Mn has some answers for you....

hi vaunda,
these ex situations can be a nightmare cant they. I also have a 7 year old son, and Im divorced from his father. I think it is perfectly normal for your ds to want to test the limits, and in a way, flattering for your dh, because ds has obviously NOT provoked him to behave like sh*t!
Now that your ds has explained why he is behaving like that (I agree, he sounds really bright and mature for his age), maybe he can start to grow out of it? It sounds as though you are actually handling a difficult situation rather well.

DS is very bright, very mature and also thinks he is an adult lol. That is my fault because as a small baby, toddler and child (before school) he hardly mixed with children due to situations. He has had far too many experiences in his short life and understands the implications and consequences of things. At the age of 3 he experienced his first death in the family and understood that "old" grandad was never coming back. as i already said at 22 months he experienced his father going. 18 months after my grandad died DS experienced his grandad dying, he was with him 45 minutes before he died. sadly he had to grow up fast. He had no time to be a child now however he does.

He was always forward and bright, sometimes making it hard work trying to entertain him especially as a baby. He has also always been big so many parents were dubious to let their children play with him, as we all know babies can be spiteful pushing, shoving pinching etc DS never really did this but if another baby did it to him he would do it back but because he was so big he hurt them (ooppss) now he will let children hit him as much as they like and not retaliate regardless of how much i tell him he must not let it happen.
He was never accepted at the playgroups etc that we went to for this reason and also that he was talking very early. He said his first sentence at 10 1/2 months and never shut up since lol (HELP!!!!)
He is very articulate and when he argues with his father this is so apparent more so than other times.

sorry i am rambling. Ex is meant to be coming round tonight and hopefully when DS goes to bed we can all sit and talk about this situation.

Vaunda, you sound like you have a little genius on your hands!
From what you have said you are handling this really well and I am sure that DS will understand that he no longer needs to "test" the male figures in his life whne you sit and talk it out with him...he really does sound an amazing child!

he is but he can also be a right terror. He is at the moment telling me he doesn't have to do his homework because he doesn't want to..... oh well head teacher is in school and i am off to take him there to him in about 40 mins hahahaha that'll change his mind (i hope). Prob is my mum works in the school and DS has known all staff for his entire life so.......