Do you put your kids to bed if they misbehave and other consequences?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

DD (4 in two weeks) has just been absolutely horrific while out shopping. Bought her a small toy and explained that she should be sure that this was what she wanted. Later in another shop she saw something else and went ballistic. Had a huge screaming tantrum in the middle of the shop. We left. Put her in the car and she then proceeded to kick the back of my chair and scream at me for the entire journey home. I told her if she didn't stop she would be put to bed when we got home. By the time we got here she had stopped.

My questions is do you follow through with the punishment after the bad behaviour has stopped and they appear to be sorry? This happens regularly btw, at least every other time we go out somewhere - a tantrum over something or other. She does not get her own way over whatever it is btw but the tantrums are outrageous and go on and on till she runs out of steam.

Just want the best way to handle this really.

If I had said she would go to bed if it did not stop. Then I would put her to bed, sorry or not. If she had improved and that is what you asked, then i would not put her to bed.

Although, personally i would not use bed as the threat, as I don't want her to see bed as a negative thing.

I did used to give in, if she said sorry. For example i would say if you do xyz one more time you will sit on the step for 2 mins, she would say 'sorry' and I would say ok but don't do it again or...

Now, I said 'i know you are. we will talk about when i come to get you off the step' or something like that and she must sit on the step, regardless, if I have already said that is the outcome. Same with removal of toys etc.

DD is 4, turned 4 in July. I had felt up to recently, it was not so important, as her saying sorry was actually quite important and a turning point in the behaviour that was in question. Now, she needs much more immediate and firm punishment, to see she cannot behave badly then say sorry, that there will be consequences. This is especially true as she keeps picking her brother up. She now knows there are no warnings. Every time she does this, she is straight onto the step.

Wrt this particular instance what happened to the toy you did buy? I think i might have been tempted to remove the toy from her too. albeit temporarily. Other than that, I think you probably handled it as well as you could.

i also meant to say I sympathise. I think I have found the 3-4 age the most trying so far. Funnily there has been more tantrums and more misbehaving (if that is the right way to phrase it) in the last 6 months than at any other time. She is asserting her independence at being a little girl rather than a toddler now i think, proving she has some control and she hates being wrong, or having decisions taken out of her hands, no matter how small it seems to us. Sometimes the smallest thing to us can cause the biggest upset with her, as to her, that little bit of independence is really important. She dislikes not being in control. But as yet, does not understand she cannot always have that control.

Yes I took the toy away. That was the first "punishment", she continued so I told her that if she carried on then it would be bed when we got home. She continued screaming and tantruming until we turned the corner into our road and then I think confronted with bed decided suddenly to be sweet and nice and then is when I find it difficult, is she sorry? or is she just trying not to have to go to bed? I have just been in to see her and cuddled her as she was crying but said you need to stay there for a little while to think about what you did.

I think that I often say something will happen naughty step/bed etc and then don't follow through as she has calmed down by then so she never really sees any consequences and does the same thing again the next time. I don't think I have ever really shown her consequences for this behaviour when out because there are no sanctions when out. At home it is fine, straight on the naughty step but behaviour out never gets addressed so just keeps on happening.

OH me too! the 3-4 year thing I mean. My Mum says oh she should have grown out of this by now ie past the terrible twos. She has always been very high maintenance but her behaviour and tantrums now are just horrendous and I have been reduced to tears in public because of them.

I think in that case you did the right thing. She will have a little cry as she does feel bad, they don't really mean to upset us and it does make them feel sad, but also sehe doesn't want to stay in her bedroom! You did what you said you would do, and that is really important now, at this age more than before.

DD is responding much better to us now we are firmer with her when we need to be. And I feel a bit more in control when she becomes out of hand. Which she does from time to time. Luckily most of the time atm she is fine out, just not at home! But I will, and have, cut visits to friends short when she has been misbehaving, so she understands I am serious when I threaten something. Although I have been known to threaten something completely wildly as a desperate measure to get her to do what I ask, which has backfired - if you do not stop picking your brother up right this second, you will not be going to xx birthday party this afternoon (the one she has been bouncing off the walls for all morning, and is dressed in her favourite dress all ready for). when clearly I would not do that to her. I have worked very hard to stop that!

Oh yes the crazy, completely unachievable threats like "right thats it I am never buying you another toy/taking you on holiday/to the park/swimming again! . Just feel desperate sometimes though don't you?

Thanks for your advice. Going to give her another couple of minutes then a big cuddle and explanation of why she had to go in there. No flipping toy for the rest of the afternoon though thats for sure.

good luck!

I think for some children, they have their 'trying' phases at different times. I did not find DDs behaviour particularly difficult at 2, she has always been a full on child too, but we have been able to understand how to handle that quite easily before this last year. (quite, being the relative word!).

I don't think it is as simple to say 'should have outgrown it by now' as this time for DD at least is the most confusing for her, she understands so so much, and knows much more than ever before, but does not get that she does not know everything. She struggles to, for example understand the feelings of anger just yet, and can lash out, never did before and I can see that it upsets her not knowing how to handle it. She was not ever really aware of it before now. We are trying hard to show her by example and be calm when she chucks a bear at us, or goes to smack us on the arm, or kick us (never hard, but its in anger which is hard to deal with) and it is difficult to do.

Sounds to me like you are doing everything fine. Is she going to school in sept? DD is, and i think that will help, she has so much energy, she is ready for that level of input on a daily basis now, i think it will help.

so howdo you l with misbehaving when outside?or you just wait till you get home for naughty step/other discipline?

Hello OP, I completely sympathise with you.....my DD is 4 and I am having similar problems.
We have terrible tantrums around age 1-2 and a half, but then nothing until she turned 4. Her tantrums have come back with a vengence!
Agree totally with Pavlovthecat about the control thing...this is exactly the same with DD.
We have had the whole tantrums in shops thing and like you OP its not because she gets her own way or is spoilt. Atm I just avoid shopping with her, or else if it has to be done then I am very clear before we go about her not getting anything. If she does throw a wobbler, then I just stay calm & stick to my guns and dont waver. I usually tell her that 'Im not going to change my mind however loud she screams'! If she doesnt stop and is totally out of control, I abandon any shopping and take her home. Personally I have never been keen on threats. Usually they are made in the heat of the moment & are not always appropriate. I would prefer her to learn that I expect a certain level of behaviour, rather than her conforming because of a threat Ive made. Usually she feels horrid after a big tantrum, and that is punishment enough. However for the first time ever, she has started hitting out during a tantrum & if this happens I hold her arms so she cannot hurt me & take her to a 'safe place' such as her room or the car if we are out & stay there until its over, a kind of 'time out'& I expect a 'sorry'. I usually stay with her, but ignore her as much as possible.
I do believe though, that if you make a threat you should be prepared to carry it out.
I also try to talk to DD after an episode & try to give her other ways to deal with her anger or frustration. At home I am working on her taking herself to her room to 'cool down' before she erupts. I am seeing some progress with this. Of course out & about is much harder, but like I said atm I avoid shops with her!!

Helps hearing others having similar difficulties. I just never see other kids behaving like this unless much smaller and my ex, dd's Dad, puts it down to MY "lazy parenting". Cheers for the support mate. But I know it is not that. I am not a lazy parent, I am huge on routines and manners and stuff. She just always seems to have been highly strung, I couldn't put her down for the first 10 months. My ds has ASD so he loses it too sometimes and I suppose to uninformed onlooker my kids would look terribly naughty but they are honestly are not. Just these tantrums with dd.

With ds I always used to tell him if he misbehaved we were going straight home and I only ever had to do it about three times and he got the message but it is harder with two as it is unfair on the other one if we all have to go home or go without a treat due to one childs bad behaviour.

She had another fit when we got home about something or other, after the bedroom banishment and I stuck her straight on the naughty step while telling her she could not leave it till she stopped screaming, still took her a good half hour though. Afterwards I told her that everyone time she loses it and screams like that (mainly at her poor brother!) she will go on the step until she stops but I feel it is going to be a long hard slog.

shimmery we have had a day like that too. constant. Our bugbear today is that she will not stop pulling DS on to his feet holding his hands and thus yanking his arms up. Of course he loves it sometimes, and not at others. I would tell her not to do it and she says 'oh. sry. forgot! hehe' really fast and excited, then almost instantly does it again. I know she is not intending to be disobedient, but it gets to me after 10 times. She has been put on the naughty step too many times today really. It would be like she picks him up by his arms and I just point and go 'step!' and she would skulk off, come back, apologise, we have kisses and cuddles, then she turns and does it again!

Not too many tantrums today, apart from when she was pretending to be kerry at the meal table and tried eating with one hand and using the other from her elbow to keep her plate still! I personally thought it was cute, DH told her to stop messing and she got upset 'i wasn't messing, i was being kerrrrrrrry (i could tell, DH could not) and that was it, cue fork being chucked on the floor, and I thought she was going to chuck her plate!

Hi - it has been interesting reading this thread as DD1 has also been much harder to 'deal' with since turning 3 - she will be 4 in 3 weeks time.

However, we have never had to send her to her bedroom or to the naughty step. Not to say that there is anything wrong with those consequences and I know she knows about the naughty step (either from CM or Grandma?). What really made a difference for us was this book

I read it after stumbling upon it in the library. I then made DP read it and it has made a huge difference in the way we deal with DD1 when she is acting up.

It has really made me think about how we shouldn't be punishing children for being children.

Please don't think I am saying anything you are doing is wrong - I just thought I would share what made it easier (not easy ) for us!

Dysgu I will check out your book recommendation.

Im also not a fan of the 'naughty step', but I do think sometimes a child needs to be able to take themselves out of a situation to 'cool down'. When I take DD to her room, it is purely for her to be able to calm down & it works & she appreciates it. I dont take her there in anger, Im always calm myself & I stay with her (although often she asks me to leave!). Its not done as a punishment. I also have a 3 year old son and I dont think its fair on him to have to listen to her tantrums either, so her going to her room is also about protecting my DS. I rarely have to use the 'cool down' option, its only for the violent or out of control tantrums when nothing else is working.

I have found that my best weapon against tantrums (especially in public) is staying calm. If youre calm, youre in control (even if youre dying of humiliation inside!!).

OP I totally get what youre saying about people thinking you have really badly behaved kids when infact you dont. I have tried to ignore what others think or say. My DD has also been high-need since babyhood. My son is much more laid back & would never have a tantrum about a toy in a shop (he says stuff like 'maybe i'll have it for my birthday' whilst putting it back on the shelf!).

Through lots of difficult times with DD I eventually came across ' The highly sensitive child' by Elaine Aaron, and it revolutionised my parenting & understanding of DD. Some people also like 'Raising your spirited child' but dont know who its by and havent read it myself.

I know lots of parents never deal with this kind of behaviour, but it doesnt mean they are better parents. It is hard but important to remember that your child is not acting out to p*ss you off, there is usually a reason. Establishing the reason is the tricky part though! It could well just be a developmental phase, or something particular happening in the family, or maybe the child is just overwhelmed with too much stimulation.

The other thing I do with DD when she is going through a challenging phase is up my 'attatchment' to her. Really try to connect with her, talk to her more, read to her more, play with her more. All things we all do anyway, but I just do more of it until the phase passes.

Anyway OP, I know how you feel, I really do.We are good mothers, but we just happen to have challenging children and that means we will have to work harder unfortunately! I used to care a lot about other peoples comments but I try not to care now. I KNOW my children are wonderful, kind, sensitive, well behaved etc its just rather unfortunate that they can let me down in such spectacular style!!!

Yes yamba i think you are good mothers but there may be another way to deal with DDs ucontrollable anger it could be food intolerance; wheat often causes the anger and unpleasant feelings it's worth a try!

Thanks, I have been down this road already. She is v sensitive to food.....I make all food myself incl bread and all cakes etc sugar free where poss. She does have an 'intolerance' to yeast, so I am acreful to limit this. Not intolerant to wheat I dont think.
She is an extremely picky eater, but I invest alot of time in this area. Thanks though, its always good to be reminded of things.

Sorry shimmery, I will stop taking over your thread now!!!

My DH behaves like a 4yrold when he's had wheat he knows it, also it exhausts him, if yr dd is inexplicably tired as well it may be the wheat, sorry! and thanks for being open minded.

no worries....thanks ppeatfruit. Might get her checked out by nutritionist, cant do any harm. I have been guessing about the yeast, as Im intolerant & recognise the signs. Yes she does get inexplicably tired, so will check out the wheat thing. Thanks.

I have ordered that book Dysgu. Thanks for all advice on here.