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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please stop me walking out on my toddler

54 replies

Rockbird · 22/08/2010 11:07

Every single thing is a battle. You put clothes on, she takes them off, she throws food on the floor, we have an hour tantrum every night going to bed. Every single thing, every thing is unbearable. There is full on screaming, kicking and throwing every 5 minutes, my nerves are shot to pieces. Yesterday was one of the worst afternoons of my life. I know she's 2 and a half, I know that's what they do. But I can't cope with her any more, I want to go and never come back. my life is miserable. Please tell me how you get through this because i don't think i can.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 22/08/2010 16:04

How long has this been going on for Rockbird?? Any major changes at home/nursery?? Is she your only LO?

I just hate it when this sort of thing happens in public, I just want to die!

PacificDogwood · 22/08/2010 16:58

Here is my tuppence worth of what worked for us to survive living with 2 year olds , currently trying to not kill shout at DS3 2.5 years, and only DS4 to go....

Deep breaths and deliberate effort to NOT shout as the toddler does enough shouting IME without us adding to it

Pick your battles

Low expectations with lots of praise when these low expectations are met

Give choices when it does not matter what she choses: Would you like the red or the green jumper? 2 choices, no more.

Do not ask 'are you ready for your bath?', announce 'your bath is ready'. Never ask a question that they can answer 'no' to because they will.

Early bedtime to allow for wine o'clock to come .

Silently repeat 'This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass...' ad infinitum

Good luck to you and all of us parents-of-toddlers/pre-schoolers

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 22/08/2010 19:21

PacificDogwood after 4 boys your list is expert! Thanks a great post x

Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 22/08/2010 19:31

DS is only 2 so all this to come but he has at times already refused to get ready (i.e. let me get him dressed) I deal with this by saying "right would you like t-shirt a or b" if this doesn't work then I just put him in car/pushchair/whatever in only his nappy, bung his clothes in my bag and usually find by the time we have reached our destination he is ready to put clothes on.

Bensmum76 · 22/08/2010 20:18

My ds is 3 in October, and this past week has turned into the toddler from hell!
He decided to start wearing pants the week before last and has dine fantastically at going on the toilet, he goes to nursery twice a week and they've said he's grown in confidence recently so dh and I have been really proud. In the last 5 days he's had 6 tantrums!
They all seem to be over control. He's almost obsessive about things and just loses it and has a tantrum. It's becoming exhausting.
We think it's just another phase and are trying to ride it out but wow it's hard!

PacificDogwood · 22/08/2010 20:36

None of you may want to hear this, but IME the 'Terrible Twos' start @ 15 months and peter out around 4 years ...

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 22/08/2010 20:56

4 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get running girl with your hard hat on!! :0

JuJusDad · 22/08/2010 20:59

Do not ask 'are you ready for your bath?', announce 'your bath is ready'. Never ask a question that they can answer 'no' to because they will.

I know it, but for some reason I keep asking a question, and invariably get "No" as the answer...

My dd is 3.1, and is still given to hour long tantrums on occasion. They are extremely wearing, and you can't help but take them personally on some level. Part of my dd's problem has been her speech delay - understanding is there, but expressive language has lagged in a big way.

I got plenty of the clothes on, clothes off thing too. But like Shiney says, where necessary I would just do whatever was necessary to keep clothes on - no talking, no discussion more than a single, calm "you will keep your clothes on". The rest of the time, if indoors - fine, she can run around naked.

The only thing I would add to Dogwood's excellent list would be that when it all gets too much, give yourself a time out.

You can do it, Rockbird. And you'll do it just fine. It does get easier.

knickers0nmyhead · 22/08/2010 21:01

Some really great advice on here that I will be using too!

PDR · 22/08/2010 21:15

JuJusDad - my DS also has a Speech Delay (Glue Ear - grommets now in so hopefully will improve) and I account a lot of his tantrums to frustration that he cannot verbally express himself...

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 22/08/2010 21:32

Have you read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen? Some of it is for older kids, but has some useful tactics for tinies.

You have my sympathy, I remember a particularly glorious day with DD(3) a couple of months ago that ended with me sitting on my bed, with my head in my hands, crying, trying to say "Why won't you do anything Mummy asks you?" but unable to get more than a single strangled syllable out at a time.

Original poster

Rockbird · 22/08/2010 21:40

DD's standard response to the two choices is 'nothing' .

Bath or shower dd?
Nu-tin

Story or sleep dd?
Nuh-tin

Scissors or sharp knife dd?
Nuh-tin

And the kicking. OMG...

Very good advice here though. Will persevere (she says like she's got a choice...)

OP posts:

FrameyMcFrame · 22/08/2010 21:44

ShineyandNew's advice is very good.
Keep her busy, active, lots of exercise. always be getting on to the next thing.

Food on the floor doesn't matter. Don't even let her see you clean it up, just step over it and ignore.

Picking your battles is also great advice. You've got to let some things go with children this age.

Lots of positive attention when she does something well.

Original poster

Rockbird · 22/08/2010 21:49

Ironically she's been in a lovely mood this evening, still a couple of kick offs but cuddly and kissy, almost like she senses she's drinking in the last chance saloon

I used to be a nanny, I thought I'd done toddlers but this one beats all We have the How to Talk book somewhere, guess I'd better read it :)

OP posts:

JuJusDad · 22/08/2010 21:59

yes - lots and lots and lots of ignoring. Which is harder than it sounds, but suprisingly easy once you get going.

Sometimes, choices can be counter-productive. I used to give dd close onto free range wrt clothing from about 2.5. Since I've stopped doing so, things have gotten easier - I still give choices, but she now has the illusion of power / control / choice, rather than choices for everything which (used to) regularly mean a response of "No".

So now, more often than not, the choice she gets is what's in front of her or nothing. It's harsh, but it works, and shows that I am the adult, and she's the one being taken care of.

Dysgu · 22/08/2010 22:01

Another book I highly recommend, especially when you have talked and they HAVEN'T listened (grin) is this one

It has really made a difference for us - although it meant getting DP to read it too!

Oh and sorry - but I have my hard hat on too - and I agree that the 'terrible twos' start at about 15 months and finish at around 4 (fingers crossed as DD1 is 4 in three weeks time so maybe we are nearly there with that one!)

Original poster

Rockbird · 22/08/2010 22:06

Will look at that one, thanks :)

DD was born difficult but it stepped up a gear about 22 months. My niece is a little so and so and she's nearly 5. It doesn't bode well

OP posts:

domesticslattern · 22/08/2010 22:06

I think you may have put your finger on it when you mention the "very busy, unsettling holiday". My DD is the same age and really hard work on holiday and when we come back, but, and this is the important bit, she does settle after a few days.

DreamTeamGirl · 22/08/2010 22:06

Hey Rockbird
God, so so been there
I agree with the two choices, but when I get the 'NEITHER' shouted reply, I would just repeat, ok its going to be either bath or shower, you can chose or I will
He didnt believe me until he was dumped fully dressed into the bath and scrubbed!! he never argued on that one again

Also agree with whomever said take em out naked if they wont dress. Again you only have to do it once or twice!!

Can totally relate to sobbing on the bed too, but it DOES get better. then a litttle worse after they start school. The better again. No idea what comes next as mine is only 5 ...

SpringHeeledJack · 22/08/2010 22:07

at "nu-tin"

you will look back and laugh. Honest

...unless you sensibly erase it all from your memory banks like I have (twin dds. all I remember is phoning school reception every day for a week- begging for them to have a nursery place at 3. Crying )

nesomja · 23/08/2010 09:52

I found the Parent-Child game helpful although I think it is for slightly older children. The only thing I have found works for my ds aged 25 months when he's having a tantrum is to sit down, get a book out and say 'ok, when you've finished your tantrum and you're ready to get dressed, let me know' and then ignore him until he does. You have to be prepared to be late for everything though, or miss it altogether...

Windedpenguin · 23/08/2010 11:01

Rockbird, does she totally realise that you are ultimately in charge?

Or does she sort of think all these things are purely her choice?

Original poster

Rockbird · 23/08/2010 15:13

Hmm, good question. I actually think she thinks she's in charge.

We had fun last night, DH in then spare room as he had a really early start. DD wakes about 2.30 and starts screaming for daddy. I have to admit that DH came in but I sent him away again, kept repeating that daddy was asleep and would see her in the morning and to come to me for a cuddle.

But she chose to scream for ages until DH gave in and we swapped rooms. What do you do in those circumstances? I didn't want to give in but how long do you let her disturb the neighbours for?

OP posts:

Katyathegringa · 23/08/2010 17:10

You have made my day - I thought I had the only 2 year old from hell. Clearly the word terrible in "terrible 2's" is no overstatement.

PacificDogwood · 23/08/2010 21:12

Rockbird, I think the trick is to truly only make threats/issue ultimatums you are prepared to stick to.
So, to be honest, if Daddy is not available, well, then he isn't. But admittedly that's is hard to stick to if he was actually in the room... .

I am fully aware that my children have me well trained although it is great to see how sensible they can be when they want to - even the 2 year old!

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