Fear and Anxiety in dc - when to sympathise, when to be firm?

[Earlybird]

Dd goes through phases of irrational anxiety/fear. We've had the phase of being extremely afraid of dogs (though she's never been bitten or had any sort of bad experience), and the phase of being fearful of wasps and bees (never been stung).

We now seem to be stuck in a protracted phase of fear of storms (we live in a part of the world where there are regular thunder/lightning storms).

With each of these fears, I have been patient, sympathetic, and understanding. I talk to dd (age 9.6) about how these fears are real, but the possibility of anything bad happening is remote - especially once basic precautions are taken.

Sometimes i think my patience and sympathy actually feeds her fear. It doesn't seem to reassure her, but rather can turn into an opportunity to indulge her fears.

I know it isn't helpful, but I am now starting to be less tolerant of her anxiety, as she seems unable to put her anxiety in perspective - no matter what I say or do. She doesn't seem to be moving through this latest fear.

Any suggestions for what to do next? Tonight she went to bed in floods of tears because I refused to let her check the weather online before bed.

I'm afraid I lose sympathy too, you go mental otherwise. I end up nodding, making factual statements, repeating what they said to confirm I heard not that it's true, not exactly ignoring or brushing them off, but just kind of not taking it very seriously.

I don't think you can ever be too sympathetic. Maybe the trick is to listen instead of talking and reassuring? OTOH, checking the weather online is a bit much. But listening to her and probing her ideas about t-storms might help more than the factual approach?

DD the same till around 12. Extreme with fires, storms,volcanoes. When she got over one it would be something else. Got so bad we got professional help, someone she could talk to.She started a "worry diary" which helped her explain her fears. We then moved to going through the facts ...essentially what are the chances. The other thing that helped was having a plan for everything. These are strategies the specialist gave us as her fear of storms was so extreme she would tremble, scream to the point that she was sick. Thankfully she has worked through it...although she is still sensitive her reactions are well within perspective.

i do think you need prffesional help with this. your DD's fears are real to her and she needs to learn how to cope with them. as M said they should be able to give her a few different tactics to try.

I'm glad to read the suggestions of those who have experienced similar things with their dc.

I veer between sympathy/concern, and 'fgs, get over it'. I appreciate if it is an irrational fear that the latter is supremely unhelpful, but sometimes think her anxiety is somehow connected to a bit of attention seeking.

Fwiw, over the summer we have often been with friends when storms are approaching/present, and her friends cope fine. It definitely is enough of an issue that the parents/my relatives comment on dd's fear.

Oldest DD had a little set of 'worry dolls' that she decorated herself, made from old fashioned wooden clothes pegs; dogs were her most persistent fear after she was knocked over by a huge, rambunctious standard poodle one day. She wrote a little about each doll and the fear it represented.

She was always a great reader, and I found once she had finished a few Nancy Drew books her fears diminished. Nancy went through her share of storms, dealt with large dogs, bank robbers and other miscreants, creaking stairs, spider-infested cellars, and danger in general, wearing her little twinset and pearls, and coped admirably -- I think DD found her inspiring.

Oh interesting - dd got some Nancy Drew books at Christmas, but has yet to read them (think the front covers are not very appealing ). Will pull them out - dd is an avid reader. Would be great if courageous Nancy Drew could reassure and inspire her.

The lovely thing about reading is that if you get worried about Nancy you can put the book down and take it up again later, or not, so you control the pace of the suspense, you can experience something a bit thrilling at your own speed.

DD1 became less prone to fits of worry as she conquered skills like riding a two-wheel bike, climbing a climbing wall with her class, learning to dive at the pool -- the more I exposed her to a few adventures the more competent she felt to deal with things that landed in her lap. I tried to praise her matter-of-factness and determination.

DD is quite a sensible girl, so these irrational bouts are hard to understand.

Fwiw, her peers seem to have no problem. Also dd's issue seems to be escalating (though that could be due to the fact that there are many more/more severe storms in the hot/humid summer.

Anyone else have experience or suggestions?

Maybe you could try focusing on how to deal with the fear feeling rather than trying to rationalise - eg " I know you feel scared of storms, but we've talked about how unlikely it is that anything bad will happen, so lets see what we can do to help you deal with being afraid and take your mind off it" You can sympathise with how horrible the fear is but explain that sometimes our feelings are stronger than they need to be for the situation.
Then you could teach some relaxation techniques eg concentrating on breathing, tensing and relaxing different muscles, imagining being in a lovely place (eg beach or whatever). Maybe listening to a story CD with earphones might help when there are severe storms actually happening.

Is she wanting attention, cuddles, reassurance generally? Perhaps you could think of some way of introducing more of this in a way that is not connected to her current fear.

If it persists it might be worth asking your GP for a referral to CAMHS for some professional help. Better I think to get help and deal with it, than let it go on and on, especially if it is escalating.