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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DD 'pleasuring' herself .... just ignore it??

31 replies

sjcmum · 21/08/2010 21:20

DD, just turned 4, has taken to having what she calls a 'funny rest'. She puts both hands between her crossed legs, and her whole body goes really rigid as she wiggles about a little bit. It's obviously giving her pleasure - I try to ignore it - but sometimes I stop her, because it is really annoying me - you can't get her to talk, answer questions etc. She tends to do it when she is tired, in front of the telly, in bed etc - but it seems to be becoming an increasingly regular thing.

Will she just grow out of it? Do I just ignore it? Don't want to give her some kind of complex in later life by making a fuss!!

Any suggestions???

OP posts:

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AbricotsSecs · 21/08/2010 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OracleOfDelphinium · 21/08/2010 21:27

'pleasuring herself'?

I think you're putting an adult slant on it. It's a phase, and she will grow out of it. By the time she's at school, she'll have so much to do that it will be long forgotten. In the meantime, have you got anything else that she could do with her hands to break the cycle?

Original poster

sjcmum · 21/08/2010 21:30

Hoochie - saying something similar might be worth a try...

Oracle - I know that it potentially sounded like I was putting an adult slant on her behaviour - but I didn't know how else to describe what she does - and she says she does it because it is nice! She has just given up having dummies - which at night she would hold in both hands as well - been trying to persaude her to have cuddle with her teddy.... might think of something else to distract her when it's not in bedtime.

OP posts:

UnholyMoley · 21/08/2010 21:31

She really is 'pleasuring herself'. It's completely normal and natural.

The best you can do is distract her if she's doing it in front of you or others, and teach her that she should save it for private.

Make as little fuss as possible, because the last thing you want is for it to become a focus of attention

I mean, whatever will you do next time the vicar comes to call

DirtyMartini · 21/08/2010 21:34

What Moley said.

I actually vaguely remember doing stuff like this when I was around 3/4, but I have no memory of doing it from then onwards, not until puberty approached. I think I just lost interest, which seems often to be the case.

ChasingSquirrels · 21/08/2010 21:34

I told ds1 at about the same age that while playing with himself was something that feels nice, and if fine to do - it is something that you do when you are on your own, not when other people are there.

He is now nearly 8, and I say the same thing.

CoinOperatedGirl · 21/08/2010 21:37

I just told dd that we only play with/touch our privates in erm private, I said that there is nothing wrong with it/feels nice etc but not to be done in front of others. She is 6 now and it seems to have sunk in for the most part.

VoldemortsNipple · 21/08/2010 21:39

Can you not explain it as a bad habit, a bit like picking your nose and offer to tickle her back instead.

ChasingSquirrels · 21/08/2010 21:41

it isn't really a bad habit though, is it? It just isn't something to be done in public.

DirtyMartini · 21/08/2010 21:42

It's not a bad habit! FGS don't say that.

nooka · 21/08/2010 21:44

I'd treat it like any other slightly annoying behaviour. So I'd explain that it is a private thing, and then if she is doing it and not paying attention to you ask her to stop. She might grow out of it, or not, but obviously she needs to know that it's not something you do in public.

My dd is quite inclined to touch herself in similar situations (she's coming up 10), I don't think that there is anything wrong with it, it's just there is a time and a place. ds on the other hand looked at me very blankly when I asked him about masturbation (and he's 11). I think it's a bit of a myth that boys always play with their willies and a bit concerning that girls who touch themselves are thought to be a bit deviant (not that I 'm saying that the OP is suggesting this).

VoldemortsNipple · 21/08/2010 22:23

Im not saying its a bad habit, I was just thinking of how you would explain it to a 4 year old.

When DSs were little, I had no problem telling them not to touch themselves because it was dirty. They took it as is was meant; willys are for weeing out of and wee is dirty, thats why we wash our hands.

Its caused them no long lasting damage.

LucyLouLou · 21/08/2010 22:34

Um, telling children not to touch themselves "because it's dirty" does not seem at all right to me. Each to their own with parenting, but I would be personally horrified to hear that as an explanation in this kind of case. It's not dirty and it's not wrong, it's just private.

grapeandlemon · 21/08/2010 22:41

Dd is 3 and does this all the time, I just laugh it off and say "you are cheeky!" then distract her a bit, bless her, it is totally normal and why shouldn't they explore a bit?

VoldemortsNipple · 21/08/2010 22:55

I know what youre saying, but when you say to little ones; Dont pick your nose-its dirty, dont eat food thats fell on the floor-its dirty, wash your hands after going to the toilet because they will have dirty germs on them etc... They dont take it any other way when you say stop playing with your willy-its dirty.

DS1 is 11 now, and if I caught him masturbating now, I wouldnt tell him he is dirty because it would mean something different to him now, but at age 4, dirty means mucky or germs.

Think what you like about my parenting, Im not perfect but I think its a common term to use where I come from. I dont think anybody in real life would have been horrified if they had heard me. I never screamed and shouted and told them they were going to hell FFS

LucyLouLou · 21/08/2010 23:05

It still makes them think it's wrong though, and that's what I find iffy about going down that road. However subtle the inference, I would not want to make a child think that their body is dirty. I never said, implied, or thought you took it further, I find the explanation alone too much. But then like I said, each to their own, you did what was right for you and that's fine. It would just never be right for me, and that's fine too.

Thinking11 · 21/08/2010 23:15

I am a reception teacher and this is relatively common behaviour. It is far more common for girls aged 4-10 to carry out this type of behaviour than boys.

I would not make a big issue out of this with your daughter but explain that it is not something that you do in public.

The way I stop girls doing this in school is by telling them to "sit up and concentrate" as girls often drift off and are unable to concentrate while they are doing this.

If this becomes a behaviour that is carried out frequently it may be an idea to mention it to your child's teacher at parents evening. In my experience many relatively new teachers and many male teachers find this an embarrasing issue and simply ignore it and let it carry on in fear of saying the wrong thing. By working togther you can ensure that a consistant message is given to your daughter and your daughter's education isn't hindered by periods of concentration loss.

DirtyMartini · 21/08/2010 23:18

"Dirty" is a hugely loaded term; I don't share your confidence that young children are completely unaware of its range of meaning. (and anyway, are genitals necessarily dirty? Is that really why you are asking them to stop? Why not just give a genuine reason like privacy, isn't that simpler?)

If my vague memory of touching myself as a young kid included someone saying "Stop it, it's dirty", I think that I would find it far more uncomfortable as a memory.

Of course this is speculative and subjective, and it's up to you; but I would be angry if anyone said that to my kids about touching their own bodies.

onimolap · 21/08/2010 23:29

I have the Illingworth 1950s baby manual: it noted that masturbation in children is extremely common, and in smaller children should be ignored completely unless it is carried out to such an excess that it causes localized irritation, in which case the child should be distracted to another activity. Older children should be told mildly that some people see it as rude, then distracted. Punishment is always wrong and harmful. Parents should not show by word or facial expression that they are shocked, andindeed it would be wrong to be shocked at all as all children do it.

Strikes me as good advice.

Mumi · 21/08/2010 23:41

If you "can't get her to talk, answer questions etc." while she's doing it, really focus on getting her to respond as a first resort and hopefully this will make her realise that it's not appropriate public behaviour without getting a complex about it.

VoldemortsNipple · 22/08/2010 00:05

Ok maybe Im wrong, but I think you all think Ive told my child off and made them feel bad about themselves, which I havent. DS used to pull at his willy to see how far he could stretch it. He would usually do this in front of DD who must have been about 8 or 9, who would shout eeeeeeek Mum tell him to stop! and his 6yo brother rolling around the floor laughing.

I would say "DS put that dirty willy away, or it will fall off" in a jokey manner. He didnt need an explanation into privacy and masturbation.

Before I get flamed, I would also tell him his brains would fall out if he picked his nose, and he had spuds in his ears if he didnt wash them. He didnt beleive me, and up to now hasnt needed to see a psycologist.

I suppose OP has a different situation but I still think you can explain to a child not to touch yourself in public as it is a bad habit.

Mousieme · 22/08/2010 02:36

I went through this with all DD's now 20,14 and 6. I explained to each one of them that it is okay but it's something that they should do in private, because our bodies are private and are our own. I didn't make a big deal of it at all. The funniest thing was when one of my DD's was 2.5 and she her "bits" were broken because it had a hole in it!

banana87 · 22/08/2010 08:54

DD has done this since she was 5 months old. She still does it, mostly when she's trying to get herself off to sleep. If we are at someones house and she does it then I usually pick her up (which doesnt really do much). It doesn't bother me anymore, I've accepted its how she gets herself off to sleep.

MarthaQuest · 22/08/2010 09:28

DD is 18 months and every time her nappy comes off, her hands are down there, and she bends her head to see what she can see .

It's normal; if it's daytime I distract her, if it's bathtime, I let her get on with it for a few minutes, whilst discreetly looking the other way! She's obviously curious about her own body, after all.

colditz · 22/08/2010 09:30

if your child's genitals are dirty you need to give your child a bath. My children's genitals are not dirty - they ARE private. I also tell them (well, ds2, really) that if he keeps pulling it around like that he will make it sore (which he has before - he REALLY yanks it!)

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