Struggling with toddler tantrums - sibling jealousy?

[Toddlertrauma]

Going to post this in Parenting too as not sure where it fits best...

Anyway I have two DDs, one aged 2.9 and the other 18 weeks. The two year old dealt very well with her sister's arrival - the expected bouts of jealousy but also much love and pride in her little sister. I am not sure to what extent her current behaviour can be associated with her having a newish sibling or whether it's something else. It doesn't seem to be directed at her sister but I know it could be a result of it.

To cut a long story short, in the last couple of weeks she has been very very difficult. Screaming when she doesn't get her own way, hitting us (not other people/kids), telling her grandparents to go away and that she only wants us and not them, clinging to us. I am really hurt by her rudeness to her grandparents and total refusal at times to play with them - they have played a big role in her life, and have played with her a lot, and she has always been so affectionate to them. Now sometimes she cries when she sees them. It isnt that she thinks I'll leave her with them as I never do now I'm on ML (I did one day a week before - 2 days she did at nursery - and she liked both nursery and being with her gps then). I don't really know what it is.

She may be overtired - she has always had difficulties sleeping, and is hyperstimulated during the day - she's a very articulate and aware child. She often seems to be tired, rubbing her eyes and saying she wants to sleep, but then doesn't when she tries.

She may be jealous.

She may just be being a 2 year old! But this last week there have been screaming fits every day, and she has been hitting, etc.

How would you handle this? I can't let her get away with hitting, obviously, but what about everything else? Should we try to do more things as two sets of two rather than as a foursome (DH, me, her and DD2) so she feels she has time with us alone? (I am ebf DD2 so this isnt going to be easy for me and DD2 doesnt take a bottle). Should we assume it's a phase?

I feel so low about this and feel I am handling it very badly.... any advice gratefully received!

Hmm ... I don't have any advice but just wanted to say you are not alone - I have an 18 week old DD and 2.4 year old DS and he has recently started behaving in a very similar way to your older DD, the screaming though not the hitting (yet!) and generally seeming very confused about what/who he wants (eg biting a piece off a biscuit and then bursting into huge tears saying 'I just want to put it back together again') and suddenly becoming very clingy to me. I am ebf DD too. I wonder if it's to do with the reality sinking in a bit, and adjusting to the change. I have been trying to talk him through his emotions ("you're feeling cross because mummy had to change DD's nappy and couldn't come outside with you straight away", "you're feeling a bit fed up because DD has been screaming and it's very noisy" etc) and find routes to calming him down eg putting on a DVD I know might distract him or when he was having a screaming fit at tea time today after a short time out in his room just brought him down talking to him said 'there's a nice bit of chicken, shall I eat it?' and he just said 'No, I will eat it' and we went on as normal. I do tell him off and have done lots of shouting at him in the car when he screams the worst of all ... not doing all that well but trying! I think as much positive attention as possible where we can is all we can do and any time playing with just mummy is really important - DS and I had lots of this before DD was born. It's a massive change for them to adjust to when they don't even really understand the concept of change and all their emotions are developing at the same time. I'm looking forward to this stage being over!

Thank you Zoonose, it helps to know it's not just us! Talking through the emotions sounds like a good idea.

The thing is, I don't think she realizes it's connected to her sister - she doesn't direct any of it at her sister. I totally see what you mean about not knowing what she wants; I think she's frustrated and kicking out but she doesn't really know why she's frustrated.

She has always had a lot of attention, and lots of love. She still has, but I guess you're right about it sinking in that sibling is here to stay.

Hard when you're up half the night with a baby as well though.

Good luck and let's hope this phase passes soon for us both!