dad struggling with a 3.5yo son

[jacknone]

Hello, new poster here and a dad. My son is three and a half - he's got a little sister coming up to one. His behaviour has gone from bad to worse since his little sis arrived.
Me and his mum have tried all the usual things - the naughty step, time outs, using 'stars' to reward good/kind/thoughtful behaviour, taking away favourite toys when he's v naughty but to little effect.
Don't get me wrong, he's a lovely, loving little boy but he's so stubborn, unbearably rude to us, wilfully disobedient (whether snatching toys off sister, running off, doing things he's been asked/told not to do, screaming and throwing tantrums etc) that i've run out of ideas.
Am I expecting too much of a 3 and a half year old to really understand what is right and wrong, what is acceptable and unacceptable?
I'm sure it's connected to the arrival of sister, he loves her to bits, and no matter how much we try to assure him he is still very special to us, he cannot seem to accept that when praising her for using a spoon to try to feed herself, for example, it doesn't mean we love him any less.
I'd really appreciate any tips on how best to tackle his behaviour. He says he doesn't like getting told off all the time, i certainly hate starting the day (practically every day) on a negative footing, but it's getting to the stage where we just butt heads throughout the day.
thanks in advance

Do you do anything with just him? Just a thought that if he gets special time with one or the other of you it might settle him down abit. Don't forget he has had all that time as an only and now he has to share you.

He also sounds like he is a bit of a threenager, my DD had the most hideous tantrums when she was 3 now she is 4 she is getting much better.

You need to be very consistent, so any rules that exist must exist at all times - regardless of if Mum is there, if Dad is there, if Granny is there etc.

Is he getting bored? Does he get out and about every day?

His level of understanding is quite limited at this age. He will be fighting for attention - negative behaviour will get attention. So try to spot the good behaviour as much as possible. Spend 1:1 time with him - such as cuddling up on the sofa and reading him his favourite book.

To an extent I think you need to pick your battles at that age - otherwise you end up in this hideous habit where everything you say is negative. If it's not that big a deal, ignore it. In fact ignoring things works pretty well generally, assuming he's not putting himself in danger - he's presumably working on the basis that any attention is better than no attention at all, and if the bad behaviour gets your attention then he's won. I'm not saying he's ignored - but compared to pre-baby sister days, your attention is certainly divided as far as he's concerned.

You may also be over-thinking this - I found all three of my DSs bloody hard work at the 3.5 - 4 sort of stage, regardless of siblings, and was told that this is when a dose of testosterone kicks in, and they stary pushing boundaries etc. So be consistent, never forget to praise the good stuff, and ride it out.

Sounds like a nightmare for all concerned!

I can't help noticing that three in four of the "usual things" that you have tried are punishments. How do you reward good behaviour? Do you talk with him much about his feelings, eg. with books about siblings?

Also, does this leaflet on sibling rivalry help at all?

we've also got 2 with similar age differences, and found that for dd1 (3) what she really thrives on is 1-1 time, so made some slight changes in our routines: Weekends ? we each do one activity with her (swimming and football lessons). Bedtime: One of us takes dd2 upstairs for her bath, while dd1 get to stay downstairs for another 15 min and do something that?s hard to do with dd2 around e.g. a puzzle, or game (usually dominos or snap) or playdoh etc. We try and make that time really focussed on dd1, lots of cuddling up, and telling her she?s doing a big girl activity etc. It?s not been a miracle cure or anything, but it has helped a lot.

All the above are great suggestions. I remember once reading that children need attention. Quality 1 on 1 is grade A and it goes through the stages until grade Z is being screamed at. Hiwever, the point being, the attention is still being had even if it's grade Z. Try and ignore poor behaviour rather than battling, so he snatches toys from his sister, you take them back, saying nothing and turn your back on him while you play wih his sister. When he comes over and starts joining in nicely, then you make an extra fuss over how well he is playing.
I also saw something like this on Supernanny which seemed to work, so see how you get on. Consistancy is the key, and make sure there are clear boundaries for unacceptable behaviour and choose your battles.

To all who offered advice, thanks so much for taking the time and trouble - there's a lot of interesting observations and pointers that's opened my eyes to some of the things we have been doing that we could have been doing so much better. One to one time is definitely something we have allowed to slip and will work hard on addressing, and picking our battles is another oh-so simple message that has somehow been overlooked.
thanks again, everyone

Jacknone - just to let you know you are not alone!! DS is just 4 with a new baby sister and we have exactly the same issues. If DH used Mumsnet he could have written your post almost word for word. We too have let 1 to 1 time slip too much and have got into bad habits with being negative far too much of the time. We'll be trying to take on board the suggestions made. Good luck!