Dd makes a good argument for lamping her little brother. What shall I tell her?

[YunoYurbubson]

My 2yo sometimes annoys my 4yo to the point that she hits or kicks him.

It happens very very quickly, one moment they are playing nicely together and the next moment, violence and death threats , they are very little after all.

I am very stern about hitting and kicking (and pinching and grabbing with intent and hair pulling and aggrevated poking...) and say that is is absolutely NEVER acceptable to hurt someone.

Then it happens again.

So in the end she asks me, what can she do when ds is being so rotten to her. (I know, he is only 2, but she is only 4 and he quite deliberately provokes her because he thinks it is hillarious, not because he is meaning to be unkind)

I give her all the options (use words / tell him no / move away / call me) and she points out that none of those things work. Thumping him does.

I am trying to be ever more on alert to intervene quickly, but I don't want to hover over them. I also don't want to have to be involved in every little squabble.

What shall I tell her?

My ds is nearly two and he really annoys his older sisters when they are playing. I make sure they have their own space for their toys ie. their bedroom where ds is not allowed so that he doesn't mess up their things.

If he is annoying his sister, she needs to tell you and you need to remove him from the situation completely.

Do you smack?

If you are a non smacking family, then tell her that she needs to set an example. Thumping her brother teaches her brother that violence is the way to solve disagreements. Tell her that thumping her brother is unacceptable and makes her just as bad.

Tell her that she is teaching her brother how to behave in the long term.

That when she hits she ends up getting told off and he gets all the good attention?

WEll I don't really buy your dd's argument. Dd knows that if she hits ds (they are same age as yours), he will most probably think it is a game and do it more for the reaction. I know that she is very aware of how much he learns from her/

However, i have told her she can push him away if he is hurting her and if it hurts him by mistake, well, that's ok.
If none of the usual strategies are working with ds - eg my dd says 'wait' or 'stop' or distracts him with something else- then dd knows she needs to come and get me and i will intervene. Why doesn't calling you work?

Tbh, i see it as mY responsibility to stop him from hurting her. They play quite a lot together sometimes with more supervision, sometimes with none.

Actually Belgo, she doesn't have her own space away from him. I shall do something about that. Although, the only way he would stay away from her is if I were distracting him with other things, and then she would want to join in with him and me anyway!

RT - no, NO! I don't smack. I think she would respond well to setting a good example.

Unmentioned - that is another thing. When he has just been deliberately horrid to her and she thumps him, should they both be told off, or just her? Or both to varying degrees? At the moment I tend to give a blanket "not happy with either of you. Ds you must stop when your sister says stop. Dd you must not ever hit".

Adair - well, calling me does work but it takes me a few seconds to get to where they are and often she has thumped him by then. I suppose calling me is not as immediate as hurting him to get him to stop.

Ahhh, i see, She needs to come and get you, using her little legs then

We have exactly the same up/down playing thing btw. dd has always been pretty good about dealing with him generally but I think a lot of it is remembering they are only 4 and 2 and will be a PIta sometimes (especially at certain times of the day/when you really, really need t get something done )

Think the example thing is the best bet, works v well for dd anyway. though will have to see if it works for ds when he is a big brother (next one due when ds is 2.6... eek...)

I agree with giving her some space of her own where your ds can't go. My dcs are same gender & age gap as yours although a couple of years older. They play nicely together a lot of the time, but if ds is being annoying or over-exuberant she goes into our bedroom for 'quiet time' with barbies or a book. I let her lock the door because we have locks that open automatically with the inside handle, and I can do from outside with a chopstick. It gives everyone a chance to calm down, and if your ds learns that his behaviour means that he gets left on his own he is likely to do it less.

my mother tells me I used to play inside the playpen at 4 to keep my 2 yr old brother at bay. Own space is important, even if its only small.

I think the best reason is it doesn't work and so it's not worth it.

DD is the same with DS (same ages too). We've got through it recently by getting her playmobil which he's too young for, on a tray in her room and if he's really hacking her off, she asked to go upstairs and play with it 'because he's too young to mess it up!'