my 4 year old still 'hates' her 4 month old sister..advice please!

[mamacherry]

It is breaking my heart that my 4 year old dd is still acting up four months after the birth of her sister. She regularly pulls her arms and legs, 'kisses' her too hard ( I call them glasgow kisses ha ha), and cannot even look at her without grimacing. She is very articulate and bright and tells me she wants to put her sister in the bin or chop her head off...I was lead to believe that this would all settle down within a few months but is hasn't. I find myself getting more and more impatient with dd1 and want to find ways to be firm with her about how she treats the baby without feeling like I am always in conflict with her. Help!

My twin girls were 2 when DS was born. One of them asked me to pick her up while I was carrying him. I put him down at once and picked her up. That was enough reassurance for her. The other girl took a bit longer but it worked out. (He was 2 months early and very small and lovely -still is). Try to find the same level of protectiveness in your heart for your 4 year old that you have for your baby - she is clearly a clever little girl who is testing the strength of your love for her. Tiring, I know, but important for her to be reassured. And tell her that you know how annoying new babies can be - all that crying etc. but that she is the love of your life and can help you with this new challenge (and the bin, although sometimes attractive, is not an option....)

Thank you so much thats a lovely answer!

I would also keep telling her how much the baby loves her.

Talk to the baby as if your DD can't hear.

My DS1 who is 4 was struggling with DD1 (3 months), I keep saying to DD1 'oh what are you telling me?, that you think DS1 is lovely, yes you are lucky having such a great big brother'

Every time she smiles I tell DS1 (or DS2 as well if he is about though he adores her) how she is smiling just at him.

It's much easier to like someone who likes you.

Also remember the baby won't break, those over zealous kisses are probably meant to be affectionate and if you tell her off everytime she goes near the baby she will feel resentful.

Good luck!

That must be difficult. Things that I found helpful were:

• try to remember your dd1 is still a baby herself, and may well need to be babied more than usual. She actually needs you more than the 4 month old in some ways.
• I don't know if your dd1 is too old for this but I used to say to me dd1 how much the baby loved watching her drawing/baking/dancing and how much she liked her and wanted to be like her. I used to move the bouncy chair to face whatever dd1 was doing. I know it sounds far fetched but a few 'look at how she looks at xxx, she saves her best smiles for xxx. My dd1 relished being dd2's teacher and mostly fell for my over enthusiasm
• try to have some time with just you and dd1 without the baby if you can
• really try to use baby's nap times to focus on dd1
• if both are crying make a point of not always attending to the baby. Really try to go to dd1 first even if she is being trying!
• Try to understand how hard it is for her. My friend likened it to similar to a dh bringing in another wife!

Yes, yes - babies love the voices of small children and do respond so well to them. DD1 needs to understand that she is such an important part of the happiness of her sibling - because she is..... and, of course, her own happiness is equally important. Thank you for your kind reply. Best of luck.