Help me get some perspective on dd's behaviour

[mammabelleboo]

Hi
Been away from Mumsnet for a while, but back as I really could do with some help from you wise mnetters!

My dd is 2 months off being 5. She is my only child. She has always been spirited, hard work and demanding. I have been at home with her since she was born having chosen to give up work to raise her - I think i've done a bloody awful job

She is, at the moment, showing some really horrible traits to her personality which i don't like - it's really getting me down. Her behaviour over the last few months has been really trying and I'm so tired of having to try and manage her - I feel like her behaviour is getting worse, not better and it makes me feel like such a failure as a mum.

She is backchatting me, mimicks me when I tell her off or even if I'm just talking to someone else, won't do as she's told, can be rude to people (her favourite is to call them 'you idiot' which she did to my nephew's girlfriend today which embarassed me no end), isn't playing nicely with the other children in the street (refuses to play with certain ones and tells them that in no uncertain terms), has started to lie - told me a little boy had scratched her legs and he hadn't (she admitted she'd concocted this story with some older girls to deliberately get him into trouble) constantly interrupts me when I'm talking, is prone to screaming, prolonged tantrums when she can't get her way which often turn physical - hitting, kicking, pulling my hair, throwing things at me and she has such an ATTITUDE. Sometimes she gets upset about things that are nothing to do with her eg a couple of children can be having sweets bought them and she will say "I don't want them to have sweets" or "I don't want that little girl to have that hairslide in" .

sorry, that was a bit of a list wasn't it!!! She does have redeeming features - she has a fab sense of humour, is loving, will often apologise for her behaviour and is also often complient - but she goes through phases of dreadful behaviour and I find myself wishing myself on a desert island as far away from her as possible.

I should add that this behaviour has been evident from the age of about 2 - hence 3 years on I am worn out and am prone to shouting at her very often which i know dosn't help and I sometimes wonder if I have fuelled her bad behaviour as a result. It's a viscious circle - she riles me, I shout, she shouts . I do also feel I have lost perspective on what is and isn't really bad behaviour - I feel I am always on her case as I am continually assessing everything she does and mentally putting it into a shout at her or not shout at her drawer in my head. I can't seem to pick my battles - but she drives me insane most of the time. She starts school in Sep and I hope it's going to put her in her place a bit - a teacher friend of mine has said she is advanced for her age and i wonder if a lot of her antics are because she's bored and needs the stimulation of school (God, I hope I'm right).

Please help, I feel so sad that at 5 years old we are already at loggerheadsAnyone else out there like me?

On my God!!! Lots of what you said reminds me of mine and shes only just turned 4!!!! She does about 75/80% of the things you said and yes i shout too and feel crap afterwards and think im shouting cz shes been at me all day and its obv not a good impression to make on her!!!! I really feel for you and totally understand wt ur talkin abt!!! Seriously sometimes i wonder wt shes gonna be like when shes a teenager!!!!! Im already scared of wt shes going to do or say when things dont go her way!!! Im constantly running around mine to please her and shes never happy and is always backchattin mimicking shouting etc if i do the sin of not doing wt she wanted!!!!! Sorry for not being helpful n just offloading!!!!

i was on my own with dd until she was 4yo.

i think you might possibly be too involved. do you have any time away from her?
You sound like a lovely loving mum, try to relax and enjoy her, if you don't like the way she is behaving, then that IS bad behaviour - I might not think it is, but it's got nothing to do with me or anyone else, she's your daughter, it's up to you to bring her up the way you want to.

Believe in yourself. Children can sniff out indecision or guilt at 30 paces. what you think is right. if you feel more confident about your parenting choices she will pick up on that and be less likely to play up

School will definitely be A Good Thing - it'll tire her out for a start. In the meantime I'd try to be as sociable as possible and make sure she gets lots and lots of exercise

good luck

Oh my that's the story of my life almost to the letter! My DD is 3.5 and acts/speaks to me just like you have described so I completely sympathise with you. but you're extremely brave and resilient for having stuck with it and don't think for one moment that you're a bad mother because you shout - I feel like shouting has taken over as the normal means of communication but guess what? It gets the point across more effectively than asking nicely a hundred times!

I've recently come across 2 books that you might find be of interest (assuming you have a few minutes of free time) - Verbal First Aid and How to behave so your child will too. Let me know if you'd like the author names I can go dig them out for you.

I find ignoring bad behaviour and walking away sometimes works better than confronting her head on. Best of luck x

How do you deal with her behaviour though? Shourt and than what?

Consistency is so often the key - get a big dose of supernanny when your DD's in bed

Thanks for the responses. It's reassuring to know that dd's behaviour is not uncommon and that I'm not alone in feeling like I do.

marissa - thanks for the book recommendations - more info would be good, if you have the time, thanks.

Minxie - I'm not consistent - I think that's also part of the problem. Loosely speaking, after we've had the screaming abdabs from me I will try the deprivation course of action - a favourite is to threaten the donating of a favourite Barbie to the charity shop. Sometimes I'll threaten something I'm not prepared to follow through as it sometimes dosn't suit me to do it (eg 'you're not going to so and so's party - I WANT her to go to so and so's party so I get a bit of peace and queit for a few hours! So I don't carry it through) So I try not to make unrealistic threats in the heat of the moment! We have now started to shut her in her bedroom if she is really bad and she is banned from going outside to play also if she's been really naughty.

I bought a new Barbie and told her everytime she was good we'd put a marble in a jam jar, when she did something naughty we'd take one out so when the jar was full she got the Barbie - but she's been that naughty the jar's been emptied as fast as its been filling up and I've now lost the will with it and can't be bothered as it's obviously not working. That's my problem, I've become so apathetical when it comes to discipline, she sees me as a soft touch as I'm not consitent.

No-one's perfect - I get it wrong ALL the time - sounds like you're unhappy though so maybe you need to put that extra effort in to be consistent. Having the abdabs rarely gets you anywhere (in my experience). Someone once said to me, the biggest gift you can give your child is to be the adult. I thought she was a patronising ol' windbag at the time but can see how true that is now. Being consistent, strong and honest is really hard, but will pay such huge dividends. Discipline, rules and routine make children feel safe, loved and secure and ultimately she'll hopefully stop acting out when she knows where you're coming from.