3.5 yr old - bad behaviour or is it physiological?

[marissac]

My DD has recently turned into something of a little terror. Nearly all tantrums happen in public places, usually uncontrollable crying, screaming til her voice goes hoarse, hits me if I try to approach her and lashes out at her little sister (18mths). I've identified several triggers- for example she doesn't like strangers talking to her (usually male) and more recently she cries at loud noises. We were on the tube earlier and the sound of scraping metal got her off on a bad one.

So my concern is, might there be something wrong with her hearing or is she just looking for excuses to throw a tantrum? Not all loud noises consistently set her off which is what confuses me.

Thanks for all much-needed advice/help!

Marissa

I can remember going through a similar stage with dd1 who is now 6, I took her to the doctors thinking there was somthing really wrong. I can still remember the doctors words 'this time next year you will wonder what you were worrying about' and she was right, she pretty much grew out of it, although she is still very sensitive to load noise and hates the cinema etc for this reason!..try not to worry but if you need to go to the doctors to put your mind at rest what harm can it do. good luck

Thanks for sharing your experience, I had doubts about the problem being physical as tantrums usually coincide with something else and never just loud noises alone. When I ask her why or what has made her so upset she NEVER answers so a lot of the time I'm left to guess what the trigger is (with hope to avoid it in future). But sometimes it just feels like she's being a moody little so-and-so (is there a cure for moodiness??!). I must admit I'm not coping too well with the stranger problem. She often goes into a meltdown when someone so much as smiles at and makes eye contact with her. I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I'm embarassed by her hostility and even outright rudeness, yet I can force her to be friendly towards faces she doesn't know. I'm taking her out less and less as there are so many things that might set her off and it's just exhausting to deal with on a regular basis (on avg once everytimg we go out even to the shops).

I'm turning into a hermit crab!

My 4 year odl dd1 was like this but seems to have turned a corner lately.

I think the noise thing is genuine. We have toddler group in a community hall and section off areas with the chairs. DD used to lose it completely when we started stacking chairs at the end of the session. She couldn't stand the noise and I would have to take her out. Then another little boy who was quite similar to dd in many ways joined and reacted the same way at the chair noise. The other children didn't even seem to register the sound.

I think many children find high pitched or metallic noises hard to deal with. We get less sensitive to high pitched sounds as we get older so I wouldn't disregard her reaction to these sounds.

I read the Highly Sensitive Child book Lenin has referred to and I think it has helped dd make the progress she has. She has issues with clothes as well as noise and it is more than just bad behaviour with her. The book helps with dealing with these issues without always giving in and letting a child get their own way.

I have adjusted to her ways now - so socks inside out, no labels against skin, colours, clothes she likes and it has made a huge difference.

Before this we barely left the house as the tantrums were unbearable.

LeninGrad your ds sounds remarkably similar to DD1. She turned 4 in May and although she is quite babyish in some ways she has an amazing vocabulary for her age and is very sensitive and perceptive.

She has an unbelievable memory too and often refers back to things that happened when she was much younger that we have almost forgotten ourselves.

Lots of good advice here, especially from LeninGrad. Your dd sounds a bit like my ds2, he went through a terrible time with loud noises, especially automatic hand dryers in public toilets, and the loo flushing too. He's 6 now and has got over it, but still not keen on strangers - I tend to smile and say "oh, he's gone all shy!" rather than try to explain away what looks like rudeness!

Similarly to your dd, he also hates sympathy during tantrums. I just ignore and/or try to distract him with something else.

Hi Marissa.

PLEASE READ.

I have exactly the same problem. My dd is 3.8 and literally has just today started hitting at pre school. It's a nightmare. I'm ashamed to say i'm used to her hitting and biting me etc, but I was dreading it happening there and now it has.

I didn't realise the loud noise thing was so common. The odd thing though is that it isn't all the time.

Is your dd behind in any other way? Development wise I mean? Mine is quite behind in her speach, although it's improved a fair bit in the last few months. She also gets so overexcited and prefers to jump everywhere than walk.

Any of that sound familliar?

Lenin - I'd forgotten until I read your post, but DS2 absolutely hated being picked up by anyone except me. If someone tried to pick him up to hug him, or to comfort him if he'd hurt himself, he would scream the place down! I spose that's another thing he's grown out of, although people don't tend to pick up "big boys" do they so I'm not sure how he'd react these days!