help! 7 yr old daughter - horrible behaviour

[samanthaannesmum]

We have a 7 year old daughter (only child), who is most of the time, lovely and good, but when she is bad she is horrid and I don't like her. She can't play with other children without being bossy/stroppy/physical. I know this isn't typical child behaviour, there is something more going on. I think i have turned her into an insecure, spoilt brat, and although I love her more than anything in the whole wide world, I really don't like her when she is like this. I really don't know what to do. Think she needs some professional help. Has anyone any advice, PLEASE. Thanks xxx

It doesn't sound like that unusual! Is she always like this with other children, or just sometimes? What about when you aren't around? Has school said anything?

it is like she has two personalities. Mostly with her cousins/close friends, then other times, she is wonderfully caring and kind and not nasty at all. I feel like such a bad mother/failure. How did I let this happen?

Oh my god!! I can completely relate. Mine is 3 1/2 and is very similar. When she's good, she makes your heart melt with pride but when she's bad I have to confess i'm not her biggest fan. In fact yes, I would go as far as to say I didn't like her at that moment in time either. I know it sounds terrible but we're only human I guess.

Just remember, YOU didn't let this happen. I'm sure you're a great mum otherwise you wouldn't be concerned and feeling awfull. We can try and help but we can't change who they are. I know it's tough.

Have any of her teachers got any concerns?

Thank you Seeline & Yummumo1

I have spoken to the school and they don't have any concerns regarding her behaviour. However, I have seen her at school and she is fine. (I worked there for a while). Really struggling. It is sort of terrible two's behaviour, which she never really had. It is getting to the point where i can't bare to meet up with friends/her friends mum's because it's awful.

I seriously can completely relate. I know mine's a fair bit younger but I often dread the times where I have to mix with the other mums ie her friends mums. You feel as though everyone is watching you and judging you.

The main thing though is that she's doing fine at school. I would be comforted by the fact that it is obviously something she can control.

I don't know you but do you think you are strict enough with her?

hi OP, can you give some specific examples of when it goes wrong? Any triggers you can think of?

Do you play with her? I am being advised to just play with my dc at the moment. 15 minutes of play a day. It sounds so obvious but I have to admit that I have not been doing that. My dc and I are like two magnets pushing against each other. The other thing I have been advised to do is to be more tactile. So now when she is rushing past me I pat her, grab a cuddle, stroke her hair when I;m standing near her. This is it so far. Sounds like strange advice but I think the idea is that you get your child on board a bit first, sort of 're boot' the dynamics a bit before you get going with the discipline structures, so they haven't even touched on that yet!

my dc also 7 and also behaves well for other people. The psychologist very encouraging though, saying that it is so good that she knows how to control her behaviour.

thanks for all the advice, will take on board. it is good to know i am not the only one going thru this, although it feels like it. i am going to try out some of these asap.......and no, i probably am not strict enough. thanks again everyone. x

Valiumsingleton, that's great advice there, how old is your DC & what sort of play do you do ?

My Dd is 7 (hence me reading this thread) & she can be awful. She is very bossy to her DS, who idolises her, she is stroppy with me, rolls eyes, does the look & I have to say I want to lock her in the cupboard. It crushes me, in particular, to see her being mean to her ds.

She is also very well behaved at school & likes to do things right.

The dynamic idea is interesting...I frequesntly think tomorrow is another day & start with good intentions.

I did wonder if my DD was very bright - in fact she's very average, but she is always asking questions & literally goes on & on.

We're on holiday at the moment, but I can feel her needing to be mentally/physically stretched, so we'll be doing some workbooks (fun!) for 1/2 hr in the morning, then off to the park for a hr of so.

Sorry to ramble....

lovesthesun, She's 7. We have been doing hangman, junior scrabble and painting stones together in the garden.

Oh yes, another thing the psychologist advised me to do was to 'pamper' her - she'd NEVER let me touch her hair, but I have bought nail varnish and I just take it off and put on a new colour every 2nd day or so and she loves that.

The things I've been told to do have been easy so far!!

ps, my dd is also awful to her yougner brother. He gets about two new bruises a day from her. He whinges a bit but 'sucks it up' and soldiers on. She punches him with all her might. I end up shrieking like a banshee and shrieking continually so that it's white noise to both kids now...... really feel like I have just lost control. I'm hoping that the psych will set us back on the right path again.

thanks - curious to know why/how you are with a psychologist ?

I sometimes wonder if DD has part of her brain wired wrong. I asked DD2 to get the hairbrush, then watched DD1 grab it so DD2 wouldn't be able to find it. Then she sticks her leg out so she can't go past.

Drives me nuts. The other thing is she is always grabbing DD2 (who is small) & knocking her over, banging her head, standing on her toes, squashing her. She also talks over her & loudly.

I had thought about trying to reset the dynamics & do the cuddle/stroke stuff. DD1 is a bit stiff, whereas DD2 just melts cuddles. Something that is good is story time & a cuddle in bed, DD1 loves that.

I've blamed myself for her temperament, ventouse delivery, part-time nursery (DD2 easy birth/SAHM) but have been (almost) convinced it's just her - very strong willed/dreamer/exhuberant. She bounces down the road, skips & twirls, like a mini tornado...

Bit of a thread hijack..oops..

No worries about the hi-jack! Well I went to the gp because I was just finding that I couldn't cope with dc1 any more. Like your dd, she is very rough with her younger brother, and always snatches the one thing he's playing with, just to torment him..
and doesn't listen to a word I say anymore.

I am always shouting at her, and she has started to shout back at people now. Me, her brother, her friends even!

GP referred us which took about 5 months. Then when I told the pscyhologist that her brother was autistic and that we had left her father with the clothes on our backs I think she deemed us a worthy case and took us on! But, my dd was fine for ages after we left her abusive father. It is only since dc2 was dx with autism that her behaviour has got so much worse.

We had a great relationship until she was 3 and her brother was born. Literally over night it changed. My dd sounds like yours! a stubborn inflexible bull in a china shop doesn't even begin to describe her!

We had our 15 minutes play today though, and I'm still being more tactile, and this is hard, I have to praise her more. So I praised her for giving her brother a hug and other minute signs of civilisation today!

sorry about the delay response & even more sorry to hear what happend.

I wonder if she is a bit like my dd & is very strong willed ? My DD is generally well behaved EXPECT for the eye rolling/face making/back chat - hmm....that's not really that well behaved. DD2 is an angel & very calm. DD1 is fully loaded, I do wonder if she has a bit of ADHD.

I took my 2 out for the day & then painted their nails. Cuddles in bed for story time, DD1 held my hand & told me she love me .

Have you tried charts ? I've had great success with them, then we stop because they work, then of course,the behaviours slip back in. I don't think it helps being the school hols, DD1 needs to be doing stuff all day long.

my son is the same he's 9 and like a jekyll and hyde.

Hi lovingthesun, I am going to get to charts, but not yet, I have to read chapter three of 'the incredible years' by Carolyin Webster-Stratton first. the good thing about this psychiatrist is that she's not overwhelming me totally! I'm busy enough filling in my play charts and my praise charts and being tactile etc... luckily she's giving me a few weeks for this to become habit. I don't think I could have coped with a full on discipline structure! would have buckled.... my dd the same, eye-rolling, i'm not bothered, so what, no I' won't. But then, 'yes mrs patterson, no mrs patterson' to her friends' mums! Exasperating! But a good sign. They are aware of the boundaries and can control their behaviour. they just choose not to with their mother.

hiya samanthaannesmum , i am a mother aswell and i have two 8 year old daughters, i think all children have terrible mood swings, i had the the same problem with you with my daughter , i was going through websites and i found a helpline called youngminds they helped me alot and improved my family all together , the numbers 0808 802 55 44 .

yes sounds like you've got you hands full!
I've been looking at a couple of books, the Brat stops here & parenting your strong willed child. The latter is quite interesting as it put my focus on her strong will & the fact that she is all about instant gratification, barking at me for a response, wanting x,y,z immediately. She will also go on & on & on about something.

The other day I put her for time out & she kept calling, can i come out now? So I completely ignored her, thinking that if I replied she would be rewarded/engaged etc.
After a several ignored attempts at calling she was quiet & then came back in with us & was aware of her behaviour. It seems to have re-engaged her brain that if she doen't listen, she's out.

Oh just remembered another thing I tried, when she goes to bed, she normally calls out (in a mad voice) what shall I dream of or she will moan. I said to her, oh mummy, thank you for a lovely day, I really enjoyed the tea you cooked for me & it was fun reading to you tonight. She laughed out loud (has a good sense of homour) & quickly came up with her version. This is so much more upbeat than the normal drone & at least I went downstairs with a smile on my face !

The trouble is, I'm a bit at the end of my tether.....

I know what you mean about being at the end of your tether. Going to the psychologist was probably a bit dramatic!! (although in a dark hour it seemed the righ thing to do). But I was so exasperated and defeated.

Now, when I'm filling in the 'play form' there is a bit where you have to fill in the parent's response to playing with child. And it is embarrassing, but my honest response to playing with my stroppy child is, overwhelmingly, impatience. . I just want to wrap it up...asap. I don't really like playing with her. And this course, the book, the hand outs,... it's making me wonder is that the root of it all!?

But when I make a concerted effort to fake enjoying playing with her, it does seem to improve her attitude. It's hard work though. Being the chairperson of IBM a piece of cake compared to this!

hmm...I'm ex ibm too...sometimes I wish I was still there, then part of me doesn't want to be beaten, so I'm a SAHM.

I have to make the effort too & they do appreciate it. I gave her a big, funny hug today & it was greeted with delight, like it was the best thing ever. I like to think that by faking the 'joy' of playing, that, within a couple of weeks (the time to make/break a habit), it will start to come naturally.

I think going to a psychologist is a great idea & it's always at the back of my mind to go to the drs....or the hv. When I spoke to the hv though, I was just offered a course, so was a bit disheartend.

Could you do some things that you do like, like getting her to brush your hair, or put make-up on you (I ended up looking like a ghoul), making pizza/making & icing cupcakes (especially letting her put the mixture in the tin) or that dough stuff that you bake & paint. That's quite good fun & if you only have to do it for 15 mins you could make it & bake it one day, then paint it the next. .

hi everyone,sorry i have not responded. we've just come back from a week in Spain. It is reassuring to hear we are not the only ones going thru this.

We have come back from holiday and DD was brilliant. We had a really relaxing time and I can't fault DD behaviour. {smile]

I just don't get it.

Or maybe I do ? Is it me, is she slightly ADHD, she was constantly in the pool with friends that she had made and was on the go from 9am - 10pm each day. Think she has ALOT of engery to burn and it was used in the right way.

looking back, there are certain people/children that Samantha reacts badly to. One of them she loves so much (her cousin) but she is just awful to her cousin when they are together. .

I have tried hard this year to spend time playing, which i find really hard to do, but we have learnt how to bake cakes, every couple of weeks we try something new, which always goes down well.

xxx