How to reinforce boundaries with fiesty three year old - help!!!

[alittleteapot]

OK, this is my third thread about my wonderful, lovely but currently a bit minxy dd who's just turned three and has a 10 month old brother.

She's just being quite naughty - something i never expected in a child of mine as I am and always have been if anything a bit over-compliant (in fact I have been conscious I didn't want to replicate this in her but maybe I've gone too far!)

A lot of the time she's bright, kind, funny and lovely, but her cheeky streak seems to be escalating and I'm not sure I'm dealing with it right.

There are various strands of behaviour.

1. Sibling aggression (dealt with in another thread for which thanks)

1. Normal snatching and sharing troubles which I feel is progressing and that she has good days and bad days like any three year old.

1. Just blatent boundary pushing. Spitting drink into her food, or her food onto floor. Throwing things inside which she knows shouldn't be thrown inside. Putting inappropriate objects in her mouth and laughing and running away. The most serious of these running away from me when we're out.

1. Whiny tantrums about wanting things from shops or in a certain way (e.g. I want longer plaits - massive meltdown) I see this as normal and don't give in and only comfort her out of meltdowns when they are clearly triggered by fatigue or hunger or illness.

I feel she's a little big out of control at the moment and i need to clarify how we're dealing with things. No. 3 is the area we're struggling with the most. Yesterday she ran away from me into a crowd of people. I caught up with her (running with ds in buggy) and told her to stop. When she didn't i said "right, no television" which was the first thing that sprung to mind. Later when she stuffed some toys in her mouth and I said she should take them out straight away she said "or I won't get chocolate icecream?" and I said "because it's dangerous. I want you take them out because it's dangerous." (I give her quite a few lectures about it being my job to keep her safe and when I ask her to do somehting it's very important she listens.)

We've also experimented with time out in her bedroom for serious offences btu then whenever i ask her not to do anything she says "or will i go to my room?"

I'm feeling a bit lost on all this and like something I am doing or not doing is exacerbating the little rebel in her.

Grateful for any advice or experiences shared.

Thanks in advance

With 'running away', I used to have the same problem. Outside I attached a rein.... explanation : if he couldn't walk sensibly he had to be tethered like a dog!! In big shops like DIY stores I used to panic if he ran off because I couldn't see him over the shelves. However, I found that standing my ground, not chasing after him etc., meant that he returned. It's no fun winding Mummy up if Mummy doesn't react.

On the 'stupid' stuff, like putting toys in mouths I went for a the withering scorn/disappointment approach rather than punishment per se. I would have probably told him to remove them and indicated that stuffing toys in mouths was something silly babies did, not big three year-olds. Good luck

Remember; the reinforce the good behaviour and if poss ignore the bad. She's asserting her identity, give her jobs to do, cook with her, sing etc and always praise the good!

thanks both.

not sure the reins could work but agree with the thoughts about stuff in mouths

ppeatfruit yes agree with that too. i got her peeling a carrot yesterday and that was five minutes of studied concentration and a job well done. I think part of the problem is i'm so frazzled the whole time dealing with the two of them i don't set her up with things to do enough.

You can't ignore everything though, can you? Like if she's pulled ds's hair for a third time or run away into a crowd... what do I do then? dp feels there has got to be a consequence for being naughty.

Do try the reins. She might hate them enough for them to be the punishment for running away - so that's a win-win for you. Things like pulling hair you just have to bring them up sharp & keep it simple.... non-negotiable, no big explanations or complicated punishments. You don't have to set up special activities so that you can reward good behaviour. Anything goes from helping you get something in the supermarket, being kind to the baby, getting dressed by herself. Just weave it into everyday life as best you can.

Yes the reins have got to be better than her running away. The hair pulling is obviously jealousy ; try gently pulling her hair and explaining that it hurts they don't really understand "hurt".

hmm thing is i think she does understand what hurting is. and the reins thing - i can hardly bear the tantrums i'm certain would ensue. maybe put ds in sling and buckle her into buggy. still don't know if banning tv for the day was pointless or helpful.

we've had a better day today, until dinner when she rejected chips (rejected chips!) saying she wanted spaghetti instead. I ignored her and she ate her chips (healthy home baked with skins on btw) all up.

I feel your pain! Also have 3 year old and 9 month old.
DS (3) is lovely but is testing a few boundaries recently.

Beware idle threats - I've noticed that this doesn't help. Make sure you carry through on them eg. if you don't stop running away, I will put the reins on. And do it. This makes a big difference with DS.

Also DS is definitely better when I have some one on one time with him (or paradoxically a break from him also helps!)

hee hee herecomes, your post cheered me up and made me laugh (Mr poo pants!!!) - glad to hear you have the living proof it gets better. most of the time i know that deep down but last week or so i've seriously been doubting my parenting skills and worrying that she is becoming a wayward scoundrel never to be reformed!

Ohhh, this is such normal behaviour. And SOOOO stressful.

DS had a very public meltdown last week. It lasted aaages. I really do sympathise.

What works best for me with naughty behaviour is removing DS from the situation without making a big fuss about it. E.g he tweaks baby DD's nose and she cries. He knows it's naughty, I don't have to tell him. So I just take his hand and sit him on the sofa, saying nothing all the time. Within about 1 minute he apologises spontaneously. I leave him for a couple more minutes (as his time out time is 3 mins as he's 3), then (very important) I give him a second chance. Second chances are like diamond dust in my book, as they're giving your child another opportunity to do the right thing and not become labelled as 'bad'. I also make sure that when he leaves his time out I give him a big cuddle and kiss to show him that I still love him.

Your DD will leave this phase, just watch and see.

Good luck!

aaaaAAAARRGHGHGH! teapot your DD sounds like mine, she's not 3 til Dec, but I could have written that list myself - apart from sibling rivalry as she is an OC (for the moment, god I want another baby but I don't think I have the patience/stamina/parenting skills to cope). Have been kept up most of the night by her incessant WHINING which is making me MAD. She is in her bed, in our bed, being cuddled, but will not stop with the whining, pushing, shoving, kicking. Have tried talking, cuddles, stroking, being firm, boundaries, all to no avail. DH got mad and took her back into her room, where she had absolute hysterics and then I spent half and hour trying to calm her down sufficiently for us to get back into bed, another half an hours of her sobbing and whining until finally she fell asleep for a few hours until it all started all over again. DH is off work and has taken her swimming so that I can calm down. I hate myself for being so angry at her but she is really driving me up the wall (in a car mummy?)

She's only 2 babymutha. the swimming is a good idea, the park etc. wear her out! Is she missing the nanny, au pair? Talk to her about her feelings.

nanny? au pair? lol. No the poor child just has a sub-standard mother.