DS is nearly 4 and has always been quite shy in social situations (like me) but I take him out to groups, visiting friends, etc to try and get him more used to mixing with other children - he normally is very shy/anxious when we get there, even if he knows everyone but gradually settles in and normally seems to enjoy himself.
But in the last few months he's been behaving oddly. Last weekend we went to see a friend if his from nursery - he is always talking about her and asking if he can go to play at her house, so me and her mum arranged for us to go round. All the way there he was excitedly chattering about it, then as soon as we got out of the car he hid. Didn't want to go into the house. Eventually I carried him in and he stood by the front door crying saying he wanted to go home. He can be sometimes like this in a new place so we left him for a bit and he eventually came in. The mum offered him a drink and he yelled at her - I don't like milk. So she got him another one (although I said not to if he is going to behave like that) and he yelled again saying it was in the wrong colour cup.
Then in the half an hour we were there he broke two of his friend's toys, and hit her and made her cry. I suggested we go out to the park so we were on 'neutral' ground and he spent most of the time there trying to push her off the climbing frame and spitting at her. We never let him get away with that sort of behaviour (and he wouldn't do it at home - he knew he was being naughty - he even said - I'm going to throw stones at her now) so I spent most of the time telling him to stop, putting him in the corner, etc.
When we got home and I tried to talk about it he wouldn't say anything. I feel awful - the girl and her mum are lovely but I hardly know them, just from dropping him at nursery - but they are always talking about each other and the carers at nursery say they're inseparable so I just don't understand why he behaved like that when he saw her out of nursery.
A few weeks before we went to a birthday party at a soft play place for another of his friends, he was excited all the way there again, but when we were there he wouldn't go into the play area, wouldn't play and games and didn't speak to anyone.
When its bedtime he has started saying he wants me to put him to bed, rather than DP (we normally take it in turns). And he gets himself so worked up into a huge tantrum when it is DP's turn to get him ready and read him a story. The other evening it took half an hour to calm him down. I try not to give in because I don't want him to think tantrums get him his own way, but I was in tears listening to him screaming that he wants mummy and hitting DP because he didn't want him. Once he eventually calmed down, DP put him to bed and he was absolutely fine.
We're also having issues with toileting (15 months and still at least one accident a day and he will always say he doesn't want to go even if he is clearly desperate).
We also have a DD, 18 months, and wonder if a lot of it is down to competing for attention with her. But its really difficult - I already give him more attention than her, luckily she is happy to go off and play on her own, and if we are going somewhere and DP is at work, she has to come too, so I have to share attention between them.
The only other things I thought were if he could be tired and needs more sleep, or is missing something in his diet. He's starting school in september and I'm wondering whether some of it is anxiety about that.
Do you think I should worry or is this normal behaviour for this age? Its just that I see other children getting excited about seeing friends, running off and playing happily together, being polite and friendly, and I'm starting to dread taking him out because I don't know how he'll be.
Any ideas/suggestion/reassurance (if anyone has managed to read to the end of what has turned into quite a long post!)