3 yr old continually resisting leaving the house

[AandO]

My ds is 3 years 9 months. He never wants to do anything except play in the house. He refuses to go out. I am getting very claustrophopic in here, I'm bored out of my mind, and starting to get angry that he fights everything so much. I am really annoyed today because it is the August bank holiday weekend over here and it would be lovely to leave the house for it. I have said we will go to the petting farm and the playground, so it's not like I'm trying to make him go somewhere miserable.

Everytime I dress him he kicks me all the time, and tries to run away and screams. He then strips off frequently throughout the day, so dressing him occurs more than once a day. He will not dress himself. I finally got him dressed and out to car. I opened the car door, he refused to get in, he said he wanted to get in the driver door and then would go through to the back. I said no as he has done this repeatedly and he does not go through to the back, but instead just will then not leave the front of the car. I lifted him and tried to put him in his car seat, he started screaming and kicking and arching his back.

I was too sick of it today to go through the fight, so I just said fine, and carried him back into the house. I went straight upstairs to get away from him. He threw a tantrum in the hall, and kept trying to open the front door. He is not playing dinosaurs happily. Meanwhile I am fuming, and we have no food in the house.

What would you do in this situation???

Threaten to leave him behind. That's what I do if DS is playing up - he soon comes chasing after me. He's only 2.8 though.

What have you tried? I mostly resort to bribery bargaining or threats diversions - one or t'other usually has the desired effect.

Isn't this the age when they just ARE bloody contrary because they can be? Boundary pushing and all that? DS has started saying he doesn't want to go to playgroup but I won't take no for an answer, bundle him out the house and then when he gets there, I can't prise him out of the place!

He's also at the stage of saying "no" automatically to every suggestion. So I don't suggest now, I just tell him. And, as said before, threaten to go without him (he hasn't called my bluff on that one yet...)

You could try not telling him where you're going - say that it's a surprise and he won't find out unless he comes too?

DD (similar age) does exactly the same - except she wants to go out but doesn't want to get dressed/ready.

I have started dressing her before breakfast so she can't spin it out anymore and not standing for the running away when I am standing there pants in hand but just popping her back in her room for a few minutes (she hates this).

I'm told they become human by the age of five!

I dress DS in the bathroom. If he plays up I leave him in there and go out, shutting the door behind me (he can't do any damage). It doesn't take long for the plaintive cry of "Mummmmeeee" to start. It's cold in there...

He often asks me to go without him so I am nervous of threatenig to go unless he calls my bluff.

He also is a nightmare to get home once he is out. So he definately enjoys himself once he's out.

I use bribery and threats! But I'm sick of it. I'm sick of saying, 'well we need to go out so that we can rent you a dvd, but first we have to do x,y and z, then we can go to the dvd shop'. Or 'if you don't help me dress you I am confiscating your triceratops'. I guess I stupidly feel that perhaps he should just do things without bribery and threats, but maybe that's just not possible and that this behaviour is normal for this age group??

Ok, five is not tooo far away I suppose .

I could try the surprise option, I've not tried that before.

Thanks

It's 5pm now, on a Sunday. So today is written off. He will just have to eat random food for dinner. I have no wine though!!!!

He will just open the door and run out if I put him in a room though.

Ah see I have high door handles - those people in the olden days knew what they were about, putting the door handles up high!

Periodicly I resort to dumping boy outside teh back door with what ever clothes he has removed and his shoes and then locking us out, getting his bike out and informing him WE ARE going to go to the shop and if he gets there with out whineing he will have a lolly.

Generally works. Like Little O he says he doesn't want to go out but has a great time once we are out.
During this hols we seem to be playing at home in morning and getting out, even if only to local shop or rec ground in afternoon.

Best of luck with it.

So sorry you're having a tough time. I dontclike threats and bribery. Who does. In attempts to learn new ways throught have you read "how to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk" or other such? Maybe ifLittle O is at home so much he has a genuine fear of going out, even if once confronted he's fine? No immediate help. Whynot take him out in pjs and a jumper?

i would find fun things to do indoors

if he wants to stay in, why force him to go out? i can understand if you need to go food shopping or if you've arranged to see a friend or whatever. but can't imagine why you would go through the stress of this just because you think it'll be nice for him

maybe he just likes being at home with you?
it doesn't have to be boring, there are plenty of things you can do at home. and maybe if you chill out about it he'll eventually realise that going out is nice and that he enjoys it and it won't be such a hassle?

also have you tried warning him in advance?

some children really don't like it when you suddenly announce "hey,. we have to go out, quick let's get ready"

i often have to do this with my 5yr old (sorry, it doesn't get any better) and i just say "ds1, we need to go shopping. in 5 minutes/after this dvd/when you've finished your puzzle we WILL be going out"

it seems to help a little bit.
i also dislike bribery and threats and find that generally they're fairly ineffective

Thanks guys.

Thisisyesterday - I always warn him well in advance. Today it was 'after lunch we'll go to the farm and playground'. And then when lunch was finished, 'ok we'll be going to the farm in ten minutes, lets get you dressed'.

I work from home and then ds wants us to stay in when I'm with him. Mainly I want to go out for selfish reasons tbh, although I then always take him to places he will enjoy (parks etc). I get pretty claustrophobic stuck in the house all the time. Also we find he is alot more tantrumy and much harder to put to bed in the evenings on the days he stays in all day. We feel he has a bunch of energy that he needs to get out every day.

Oxeye - I have been thinking about getting that book! Have you read it? Is it any good?

Until about two months ago LittleO was at preschool 4 mornings a week, at his childminders 3 afternoons a week and then at a swimming lesson (which I took him to) on the other week day. He is well used to going out so I'd hope that means it couldn't be a fear. I think it's just that he loves playing toys, and loves being in the house. Every night at bedtime I ask him what his favourite thing about the day was, without fail he always says 'staying at home with mommy and daddy' (even though daddy might not have been there ). I think staying in and playing is just his very favourite thing to do, rather than anything else. I am happy to have him play in the house for hours each day, but not every single hour of the day, for my own sanity.

The pjs thing wouldn't work, as he is generally naked . Tis the one problem we have had since he has been potty trained, every time he takes his trousers and pants down to go to the loo he just takes them off altogether and won't put them back on. So I have to fully dress him each time I try to leave the house.

UniS - Our back door leads on to a completely enclosed garden and so we'd have to go out the front door. It leads directly on to the street pretty much and so I'd have to have a bottomless boy outside my front door. I would be mortified!!

AandO yes, I have the book, and I really like it. Obviously not to follow slavishly but i find it very helpful and dip into it - it's a "by the loo book" iykwim!

Maybe staying home is a reaction to all that time he was out and about - he's enjoying this phase? Frankly, I would take him naked if need be - put him in car seat with blanket wrapped around - one less battle at the time

maybe because in the past he has spent so much time away from you out of the house that now he clings to it? i am sure it's just a phase and he'll get over it

maybe you could try a couple of weeks of staying in? perhaps he is worried that going out means you leaving him somewhere or something? and if you can reassure him that if he wants to be at home you can be at home he'll then be happier and more secure about going out when it's necessary?

if you have a garden he can burn off energy out there, and you can do other things to stimulate him and wear him out "mentally"
invite friends over so you get some adult conversation too tho!

ahhh- your back door wouldn't work for that approach then.

I prefer to think of it as choices and rewards rather than threats and bribery... The choice is does he put his shorts on or ride his bike bare bummed...

You know it also got worse around the time I was stuck in Spain away from him for a week with the volcanic ash. I also think it could be a reaction to going to childminders etc. So we do let him have full days in the house, and half days when we want to go out as we realise he really does love being in and isn't just trying to be difficult.

I think I'll get that book then. We are having soooo many problems with him at the moment that I definately need something .

ahh yeh, maybe it is just a security issue then?

x posts with thisisyesterday and UniS!

Maybe I should talk to him about it. It's just sooo hard to talk to him. He goes off on crazy tangents for ages, and often just repeats things I've said back to me!!

He won't go in the garden! I have to take his toys outside to get him out there, and then he just lies on the grass moving his animals around!

Also no friends around here at all so I can't invite people over . We are moving in two weeks. I am obviously worried also about how he'll react to that as he is such a homebody.

UniS - I put it as options. For example at bedtime if he is putting up a fight I say 'these are your options, go to bed nicely and get three stories, or go to bed with a fight and get two stories'. It works really well most of the time. But lately he says to me 'no these are the options, stay up late and play then have three stories'. He argues and fights everything. It drives me mad. Supposedly I was just the same as a child...I even remember my dad crying because my behaviour was so bad . Karma hey!

Perhaps I should be more sympathetic, particularly as we are moving out shortly. Damn, I just booked him into a summer camp. Hmm. I think the problem is that he is actually difficult in lots of other ways and this staying in the house thing has just got mingled in with in, but perhaps I should view it seperately, and not just as another way of causing trouble.

Thanks guys for the responses.

there is a really good bit in the book where you make a list with your child - all options, none scrubbed off, then discuss
sounds like he is thinking and involving just not in a way that suits you - saying here are other options may be his way of trying ot have some control
we sometimes do a combination so stay up late and no stories or stay up and one story etc you work through the list together

there is difficult and there is not acting in a way that suits us as adults iyswim

I have taken a similar line to UniS with getting out of the house - to the extent that, on one day, Ds (now 5, then 4) went out to the school run with him in his pants (that's all he'd managed to put on in about 10mins) with the rest of his clothes on the seat beside him - he was fully dressed by the time we got to school - although his shirt buttons had got a bit muddled up because of being sat in his seat belt .

We are really lucky as we have a dog and so HAVE to go out for a walk EVERY day, whatever the weather, and Ds has to come too (he now needs more excercise than the dog). Is there anyone nearby with a nice dog that needs some excercise - and how is ds with dogs - as if its just a way of getting you out with a purpose, and its something that has to be done, it might help a bit - and he might enjoy it too.

Another thing that might possibly help is aiming to 'find' something - I think some people use geocaches for this (perhaps someone that knows can explain further?) but there are other things - like the animals or plants on the Green Balloon club - and I think that you can get the eye spy books again...

I must say that ds turned a corner wiht his behaviour when he was about 4.10 - and, touch wood - he's been much easier to deal with since then - still a handful and certainly not perfect - but a lot better.

You are the adult! Every time you give in, he gets stronger. If he resists getting into the car, then put him in there naked and if he won't get dressed then he can leave the car naked.
My DD1 then aged 6yrs old, was getting a bit like that, not wanting to leave the house and screaming the place down, we used to say that she could stay in the house but only in her bedroom ALL day and no TV all day either.
You just need to be consistant and do not let him win...not one inch.