Help with sons behaviour please

[singlemum]

Hi, Ive just joined Mn. Ive been feeling so miserable lately. My ds is 4 and due to start school in Sept and hes just a nightmare. He hits other kids with no warning at all, he throws things, screams and shouts, throws himself about when he cant get his own way. I was told the other month by his playschool that he has behaviour trouble so I took him to the health visitor and the peadtrician but they cant find anything wrong. What am I doing wrong feel like im going mad. I am a single parent aswell so i dont suppose that helps cos hes so use to me all the time.
Any advice will be gratefully appreciated.

Debs

how do you discipline him / what's your reaction when he screams etc.

debs is this done very often?

Definately don't give in to him. Remove all stimuli, maybe remove him to a safe area for a few minutes.

Poor you, it sounds like a nightmare. Do you watch any of the Little Angels, House of Tiny Tearaways etc programmes? I know not everyone parents in the same way but I think they have three good messages - give lots of praise, 'a tantrum needs an audience' and be consistent.

Always tell kids when they are being good / have been good and when they do something really clever / kind / generous etc. They just love it and there is no better way to get them to do the good behaviour again.
When either of my two throw a tantrum or do something really horrible to each other I put them on the other side of a door / in their room for 'time out'. This also gives me a chance to calm down if I feel I am losing it too! You shut the door for as many minutes as they are years old (ie 3 mins for a 3 year old etc). You MUST explain to them before you do it why you are doing it 'I am going to shut you in your room because you pulled your sister's hair out after I asked you twice not to do it'. Shut the door. Do not speak to them until the time is up. Then open the door, explain again why you did what you did and say that you will do it again if they repeat the bad behaviour etc. And then make sure they say sorry!
Be consistent - if you say no, mean it. Do not give in on some ocaisions and not on others. This is a recipe for disaster! It's like gambling - you keep putting money in the slot because you know there is a chance of you winning. It's the same with kids. If they know that you will give in to them eventually, they will keep 'putting them money in the slot' until they get what they want.
I am no expert, so please ignore anything that you don't agree with! It is so much harder to be doing it all on your own, there is no one there to take the pressure off you and to help when you need a break. You are being amazing in asking for help - I really hope you find a way out of this for you and your son.

ive been trying alls sorts of things to discipline him but nothing seems to work, ive taken his favourite toys away, put him in his room, on the naughty step, turn telly off. he'll get upset when i do that but then he'll just go bk to being naughty.
I'd admit i have raised my voice befor and i guess u have to keep calm but its hard. everything i say to him he'll just ignore.
Thanks everyone for your advice and i am determined to be stronger with him cos i am too soft.
Thanks Cha your advice sounds really good i will give it ago. I dont get to watch them programmes as by the time i get ryan to bed im usually shattered myself. I hear they are good tho.

It's grim sometimes, being a Mum. Big hugs, you're doing great. The taking the toys away thing - that's another thing they suggest. You need always to explain clearly - and calmly ha ha - why you are taking them away and how he will get them back ie if you hit me, Spiderman goes in the cupboard and he doesn't come back to play with you until you ... whatever. The thing is to put the toy/s away again the instant the bad behaviour starts again. You will have to do it again and again perhaps but he will get the message, even though it may take a week or two. You just have to stick to it, otherwise it won't work. I sometimes think I am a bit too strict but I do believe that children like to know where their limits are, it makes them feel much more secure.
Have you got a video - or know someone who has? Maybe you or they could try recording the series, it really is just common sense in a 30 minute programme and will show you that the problems you are having with Ryan are very common and that you are not alone!