alternatives to punishment for safety issue?

[witlesssarah]

sorry for the opaque subject, and sorry its long.

this is a question for people using 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' or similar approaches.

DS (4) is quite defiant and we have used timeouts and withdrawal of privileges in the past, but I am now convinced that it isn't the right route for us. Have been trying to change and have been generally impressed and happy with the results.

But today he was messing on being picked up from nursery and refused to put his helmet on to cycle home, he dashed off saying 'can't catch me' He'd had 3 bumps at nursery and was wobbly with the heat. I was worried and called him to stop. Caught up and tried to stop him but that just increased the 'chase' finally I said 'counting to 5 then no telly' (back to the punishment)

He did stop, but only to melt down. All he heard or cared about was the punishment. He didn't hear what I was trying to teach him (cycling without a helmet is dangerous, listen to me when I say stop)

So, a good lesson for me on the effects of punishment, but I can't think of what else I could have done.

I'd love to hear any ideas

My 4 year old. In this kind of situation:

Pick her up/remove her away with you at refusal to cycle home and talk calmly and firmly and quietly. 'You need to wear your cycle hat dd. What might happen if you don't?'

In the chasing scenario, and if she didn't stop,. I would do whatever it takes tbh. Then would do as above - I repeat 'pick her up'. The holding seems to ground her and 'reconnect her to me somehow.

Don't think you did anything wrong - just make sure you talk about it when he is calm and focused on you.

I think that if it's dangerous to let him cycle if you're not in complete control and he's not trustworthy at all times, then he should't be cycling. At 4, he'll still be unable to fully understand cause and effect so either stop biking until he's a bit older and able to understand about road safety or tell him that if he wants to cycle, then he has to listen and understand your rules.

The number of mums who let their school age children bike to school where I live is high and yet, none of them seem to control their children (not saying you don't OP)and let them dash off on their bike aged 5 and there's no way the walking monther could get there in time if they didn't stop at the edge of the road.
That said, I think it's important for them to get road-wise early on. I completely trust dd(8) and not DS(5). She is a child who "doesn't want to die" - her own words and he's a child who will be defiant and bike off down the road and get run over!

Thanks for that advice, I see what you mean about picking up, the physical connection does seem to be important and I didn't do that at all (the bicycle was getting in the way)

I guess it will take awhile to break my own habits, and the patterns I learned from my own childhood. I'm not worried about today, but I wanted to think about how I could have done it differently.

thanks luciemule, he's pretty good usually and alway good at roads (he stopped at the corner to have his meltdown) I'm pushing my bike and caught up with him by jumping on.

perhaps include the general point that cycling is risky and he has to listen to safety rules to do it in the discussion when he's calm

thanks for responding badger, I wasn't generally asking 'how should I have responded' but how can I deal with this using an approach I'm still learning.

As Adair's response shows, there's an amount of being on the ball to stop problems before they are dangerous and amount of keeping the cool after making sure that things are safe. I've a ways to go, so I'm grateful for help.

I was really struck this time by how much the punishment focussed all his attention on the wrong that had been done to him (at least in his perception) and none of it on the wrong he had done.

I'm quite sure smacking would have intensified that. It certainly did when I was a child - I can remember being smacked, but I can't remember what I did wrong.

Have you read Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn? Goes on about exactly that sort of thing as why punishment doesn't work and suggests alternatives. Can't remember what he suggests when it is an immediate situation of danger that need dealing with - just moved house and lost the book! There are loads of threads in the Mumsnet archives on UP so may be worth a search.