How can I manage my daughters defiant behaviour ???

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my daughter is 5.5 and has a speech disorder and some SEN's.
She is always trying to be in control of any situation. She likes do do exactly as she pleases and dosn't like folowing our rules. The Ed Psych observed her at school, and she needed to be reminded what she was ment to be doing quite frequently. She also had to be given the count of 3, so she'd sit back in her chair on several occasions. During the tests, she tried to get out of them by saying her ear hurts or her eyes hurt. (We know this is not true).
When we go out, she'll sometimes refuse to come of a ride or something, and has to be given the count of 3, then she won't have an ice cream for example. Sometimes this works, then other times she still dosn't come off, so I have to drag her off screaming.
Sat home, we use the bathroom for her time out, as it's not interesting for her. Out and about though, I can't use time out. She is usually far better behaved at home anyway.
She is never violent, dosn't use bad language etc, but she does disobay me a lot and can be quite bossy to her adult family members.
I've decided that when she's naughty at her grandma's house I'll give her a warning, then take her home if it continues, but this isn't always possible, as I work and sometimes she has to stay there.
I need the consiquenses to be consistent, but our life isn't consistent.
She gets very upset if things change and don't go her way.
I'd be greatful of any advice or any links to a good website. Thanks.

bump

Anyone ??

I'm just about to post a similar question about my DS (4) he doesn't have any SEM that I know of but is mighty defiant. What I'm finding is that the defiance increases as the control from my side increases. Lately he's started saying 'if you keep saying that then...' which is a direct copy of my approach. So I'm trying the approach from 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' which is generally working well but sometimes I just can't do it.

Generally everyone recommends consistency, which is hard when you feel like the things you are trying aren't working. But if you're comfortable it may be best to stick with them.

good luck

I don't have any specific advice but there are some lovely mumsnetters on the Special Needs threads who have a lot of experience with speech disorders and behaviour, perhaps they can help.

Witless - YES YES YES!! My 4 yr old says 'if you dont do this then I will blah blah blah..' again a direct copy!! Will have to pul out my copy of how to talk again! Which bits do you find work?

OP - no advice sorry, except yes, get a copy of how to talk or pop over to the SN board. Good luck!

HI house, its very bizarre having them say it back to you isn't it, made me realise how unreasonable it was. I've had great results on the tantrums with the compassion/acknowledgement

eg. DS begins a tantrum on being told 'telly off' by DH. DH leaves room. Me: you're really upset about this, its hard when you want something you can't have. DS: NO GO AWAY but calm in 20 seconds and not asking for the telly.

The describe what you see, give information and say it with a word have worked well too, but I'm still learning them.

I think the alternatives to punishment takes practice, because its often a matter of being more on the ball and intervening with sooner.

Hi everyone.

I have a 3.5 little girl and my god is she strong willed. I think that's a nice way of putting it to be honest. She can be an absolute angel sometimes and then next breath, wont do anything that she doesn't want to do. It's very hard and what makes it even harder, as i'm sure you'll agree are all the smug mums who have that look on their faces like "mine would never behave like that". That really makes you feel awful! Anyone else agree?

I'm see a child psychologist at them moment because my dd is so defiant to me. Interestingly, the first week I just had to try to be more tactile with her. Every time you pass your child you stroke them or kiss them or hug them, even if they reject it. If they will allow you, you can put moisturiser on them, or scratch their back, or wash their feet.

Week two which I'm on now, is 15 minutes a day of special time. This can be anything they want to do, paint their nails, make a cake, painting, a non competitive game.

I knwo this is nothing to do with discipline, but the lovely child psychologist showed me this triangle with feelings at the bottom that need to be nurtured to avoid certain bad behaviours. the idea is that you 'nurture' your child before you start implementing the new discipline structure.

I will let you know how I get on............

If you bump this thread next Tuesday after noon I'll tell you what comes in week three!

Thanks everyone! That sounds a great idea of the pampering sessions, to make them want to please you more I guess.