understanding NO!

[foxie201]

my 19month old doesn't understand the word no? she no's when she doesn't want something but as soon as I tell her no, she doesn't understand...any advice, good books out there I can read to try and bring up a polite, well mannered child????

19 month olds don't have a great grasp of language but they do pick up on tone of voice, posture, facial expression. So 'no' has to sound and look like 'no' if it's to be effective. Basically.. don't smile when you say it & use a flatter tone and a slightly louder volume than your regular speaking voice. You've also not got to over-use 'no'... otherwise it becomes rhubarb.

I agree, save the no's for when it really matters. She's quite capable at 19m of understanding what it means, but will be well into the period of not obeying... Nobody expects a 19m old to be polite and well-mannered!

Can I sightly hijack this to ask a very similar q about my 11 month old who is quite rough with other babies. I assume he is too young to understand "no" and certainly wouldn;t do any kind of punishment but what is the right response (also wanting to show other parent I am bothered that my DS has just poked / pinched theirs)?

I know my 11 month old does understand no, she just ignores me when it suits her.

I can tell as when I say no she pauses and either slowly resumes what she was doing while grinning at me in a winsome way, or crawls off says "nah" while vigourously shaking her head.

OP I think your dd is just trying a pretence of innocence to get what she wants, which I think they all do at that age. What am I saying - I know adults that pretend not to hear/understand I would say no firmly and stop her doing whatever it is she shouldn't, either taking it off her or removing her from the situation.

Trixie, I have worked on the basis that I have always told dd no so that eventually it would sink in. When she attacks plays with other kids again I say "no you mustn't pinch Daisy" and move her away. And keep doing it while she ignores me again, and again, and again. Sometimes it pays off quicker than others, but at least other parents know I've seen what is happening and that I am not just letting her carry on.

trixie My approach with everything was to show the correct way to touch, handle, treat things. So in your circumstances I would get right down to their level and very gently say 'we have to be very gentle our friends' at the same time as holding their arm and stroking their hand so there is a real sense of what the word gentle means to feel.

This approach can be used with so many things - taking care with doors, climbing, throwing.......... always get down to their level, speak in a very calm and quiet voice and as best you can show them how to be careful and gentle.

If you shout be gentle - lesson missed as shouting is not gentle. If you grab a child and remove them and say to be gentle you've just done exactly the opposite - lesson lost again.

Hope this makes sense

should read ... 'we have to be very gentle with our friends'

Just remember that their are 2 stages necessary for your child to obey you if you say "no".

First they have to understand the word (this is the easy bit).

Next they have to develop impulse control (this is the bit that takes ages).

So, for example, baby crawls towards the pot plant with a view to pulling out the leaves. You say "No", baby looks at you, understands and maybe even pauses momentarily but then looks at the plant and has this huge urge to touch it cause it looks so good - and starts crawling again. Not naughtiness, misunderstanding or defiance, just v. poor impulse control.

My life with my toddlers got much less fraught when someone explained this to me

wb that's really interesting, I didn't know that. Explains a lot!