Tips on dealing with 10yo scared of dying

[ChildrenAtHeart]

My 10yo ds worries a lot - he is bright & a deep thinker. Tonight (and periodically in the past) I've had him sobbing telling me he's worried about what happens when you die & what if this is 'it' ie no afterlife.
He is at a Catholic Primary School which encourages the children to examine beliefs and does basic philosophy but i think he would worry even without this background.
Anyone have any good strategies?

There are two choices.... You can either go with the religious angle and try to reassure him that everyone 'goes to heaven', all meeting up again etc. Or you can give him the more prosaic explanation that there is no afterlife, this actually is 'it', to make the most of life while you're living it, but that death is like sleeping... and therefore nothing to be scared of.

My son (also 10) actually preferred the latter explanation. Prompted by the death of our elderly cat, and seeing how peacefully 'asleep' she looked he seemed to find that comforting. But then he's not particularly sentimental.

Tailor the explanation to his temperament.

I should add... more usual than children being afraid of dying themselves is that they realised other people (parents mostly) could die and therefore leave them on their own. The fear of being abandoned and never seeing loved ones again is quite real for many... They learn a lot at school about healthy lifestyles so maybe explore that avenue. Parents who smoke or are overweight, for example, can find that their children think they are going to drop dead imminently as a result.

Thank you for that.
Interestingly he seems to have accepted others dying (my Dad, fil & my grandmother, plus the guinea pigs) fine, its his own that scares him more.
And you are right - he says its the not knowing that bothers him and he would almost be happier knwing that this is it and there isn't anything after.
I've talked to him about what we as Catholics believe but that obviously we don't know, we just have to have Faith & that is the whole point of faith ie belief without proof. He understands at a logical level but can't deal with it emotionally.

I think 'we have to have faith' is a very poor argument for anything. It's like 'because I said so' - not many children are going to buy it. You could offer the atheist/humanist perspective ie. we know for certain that when we die it is the end of our body. (Which is the truth) And that we 'live on' in the memories of others and in what we did and what we left behind when when we were alive.

"I've talked to him about what we as Catholics believe but that obviously we don't know, we just have to have Faith & that is the whole point of faith ie belief without proof. He understands at a logical level but can't deal with it emotionally."

This could very well be where the problem lies - faith is and emotional response which he may not have - yet his religion / bible / chruch / school tell him that he has to have faith otherwise he won't get into heaven. He doesn't have the maturity or reason to be able to work out why he doesn't have faith and whether that is OK or not.

I don't know how strictly religious you are but try asking him what he wants to believe and why. Allow him to talk through his beliefs (or lack thereof) without the fear of being told he is wrong and will go to hell because of it. Explain to him that our thoughts and beliefs about what happens to us after we die are a journey that we must take our time to complete and no God (if he exists) is going to judge us for choosing to take that journey rather than have blind faith.

Good luck x

ds1 (13) is just like this. We are religious, he's not and never has been. (He declared himself an atheist at age 4, and now says he's agnostic.)

When he is having a crisis about dying (he gets very upset, sobs and is generally very down for a couple of days), we just try and comfort him and talk to him about it all very rationally. He's read several books on the subject, which seems to help a bit and we've also put him in touch with friends of ours who are atheists to talk about their perspective.

He gets particularly distressed at the thought that one day he will simply cease to exist.

Hello there. My son (9) has recently started to get very upset about dying and the possibility that 'this is it'. My husband and I are not religious ourselves but my son seems so badly to need to believe that there is a heaven where we will all be together, that I have basically told him that this is the case, as well as trying to introduce ideas like reincarnation and that we all live on in each other's (personal and collective) memories. The idea of dying alone seems to trouble him hugely and I have told him I will be there, even if he is a very old man and I am long gone. Not sure if these 'white lies' are the best way forward. I'd like to know how your son is getting on? Has he moved through this phase? Can anyone recommend any (not too childish) books for children on the subject?

look into your own beliefs, and take it from there. I believe in god and an afterlife, so it was easy for me.heaven if you are good, hell if you are bad. God knows whats going on in your heart, so even if other people think you are being bad, as long as you know and god knows that yor intentions were good, then its all good.