Bit worried about my son. Reassure me!

[fartmeistergeneral]

He's 12, due to start secondary school in August. He's always made friends fairly easily although not huge on self confidence and is not one of the 'cool crowd'.

Since the hols have started (we're in Scotland) he's only seen one friend once, who's now on holiday for 2 weeks. He has one other friend who he hasn't wanted to phone, but did yesterday for the first time, and the boy said he couldn't come and play. I think there may be an issue between them.

Last year he was in a group of friends, but they have moved away or gone off with different friends.

I really feel for him. I'm also quite worried that he'll start secondary school with no friends.

I see boys from his year group in big groups around the town, but they are the sporty types or the 'cool crowd' (his words!).

I'm stressing that he's going to spend the next 4 weeks on his own and his self confidence is going to be rock bottom.

Nonsense, I'm sure - reassure me!

my DD left juniors with only one friend. Went to a new school where she knew noone. Within a few weeks, she had a large group of mates, who are now seen as the cool ones.

Now I have hoards of marauding teens all over my house on a regular basis.

I wouldnt worry

He will make new friends my ds made loads of new friends when he started secondary school

What's his bag? What does he like doing?

I'm sure there will be a broader selection at his next school.

I remember starting grammar school 6 miles from home and, due to the 11+ selection system (no catchment areas then), being the only one from my school to go there. What I found when I arrived was that I was one of many in a similar situation. We were all new to each other and we got on with making friends, no problem. Your son will probably find the same thing if he makes friends easily.... all the 'uncool' types from other primaries thrown together in a glorious melting pot. I'm sure he's looking forward to it.

We moved counties between primary and secondary and DS knew no one. Don't worry, he will have plenty of friends.

I know you're probably all right! Just need school to start again!

OK, he wet the bed last night. Aaaghh! Said he had a nightmare but wouldn't say what it was.

One of the boys from his year lives next door and always has a group of friends hanging about. My ds hides and runs away when he sees them. They passed by 10 mins ago and he ducked down from the window. What has happened to him?? Wanted to shake him and say get some backbone!!! But didn't of course! Not sure how to handle this unbelievable lack of confidence. Help!

bump

Sounds to me as if something is going on with the other children. Will he open up to you? If not what about an uncle or family friend? Or maybe he could write down what's worrying him? Alternatively maybe you could take him for a day out right away from home where he could relax?

Oh no, poor kid

There might not be anything going on with the other children, but it must be very embarrassing to be that age and so aware that you are not cool but to have other children from your year hanging around in the house next door, but not with you.

It would take a very self-possessed 11 year old to not care that he had nobody to play with but lots of children he knew from school were nearby and nobody had asked him to join in/

God, it's excruciating, isn't it?

My brother went through a phase like this when he was around 11 or 12, shortly before secondary school actually. For some reason he didn't really get along with the other boys in our area, and it made him feel really awkward to be all alone when they were all together.

It was one summer and then it just wasn't an issue after that. He never made great friends with those boys, but it wasn't important anymore.

Are you friendly with the mum next door?Maybe she could suggest to her ds that he asks yours round.If he doesnt want to she could ask why and tell you if there is a problem.Alternatively maybe the 2 families could do something together one day.It is horrid when you feel powerless to help your dc when you can see they are upset.I had this for a year when dd was 12 and picked on because I was a teacher at her school.Our solution wouldnt help you I'm afraid-we bought a long promised pony-she met a group of like minded girls at the stables-one was in her form at school.They were bridesmaids for each other nearly 20 yrs later.
maybe a hobby related club would help though.

God no, don't do that. See if you can find out anything about the situation from the neighbour by all means but don't try to set the two boys up.

Your son will be motlrtified if you do that. The pony idea is very good though - see if you can find a summer course in something he'd find interesting and fun. Being busy and out of the house will help loads and if he makes some friends there it will help more.

Think of sociable activities e.g. there seem to be some bands summer schemes around here where you show up with no band and leave having recorded your first song. Would he enjoy something like that?

Don't think it's a big deal with the boy in our street to be honest. They just don't have any thing in common, not bothered that they aren't friends, just amazed that my son is so self conscious that he can't even face meeting this lad in the street!

Getting him out and about will help. Have a few things organised over the next few weeks, and will resolve to be a calm and patient listening ear!

"just amazed that my son is so self conscious that he can't even face meeting this lad in the street!"

He's 11. Being self-conscious is to 11 year olds as tantrums are to 2 year olds.