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Behaviour/development

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14 month old having tantrums? Long sorry

9 replies

littleduck · 21/07/2010 19:05

Poor little DD is having a bit of a time of it at the mo. She is cutting a bottom incisor next to her two existing bottom teeth and generally seems to be very grumpy, irritable and miserable at the moment.

Chief cause appears to be Mummy who doesn't always understand what she wants when she is asking for something which sends her into a hissy fit, or Mummy not picking her up when she wants to be picked up because Mummy is on the loo, or Mummy giving her a cuddle standing up and then daring to sit down to carry on the cuddle due to a sore back, or Daddy daring to pick her up instead of Mummy, or either of us putting her into her high chair for her tea..... you get the picture.

When she gets upset she wails the house down, arches her back, kicks her legs, the lot. As she is still very small and is probably feeling very overwhelmed by working herself up into such a state I try to cuddle her until she has calmed down but this doesn't always work and isn't always practicable. The window of distraction is nil - she does from quiet to foghorn in the blink of an eye. Different things upset her but mainly Mummy not picking her up when she wants or sitting down for a cuddle when for some reason she really loves being cuddled when I stand up. Sitting down cuddles are apparently no good.

The tantrums usually come at the end of nursery when we get home around 5.30, she eats and sleeps well at nursery though and nothing has changed about her routine so there's nothing to particularly unsettle her. I was wondering if maybe her teeth and nearly being able to stand up by herself and doubtless be walking soon is all a bit much for her and is making her so grumpy.

Needless to say she is an angel at nursery although they have remarked that she is very clingy with two of the staff she is particuarly attached to and cries if they have to leave her for a moment to go to one of the other babies. She is very clingy with me and wants Mummy most of the time, Daddy won't do (and I have to say DP is starting to feel rather hurt as this has been going on for a while now).

I suppose what I am wondering is can anyone help me figure out what is upsetting her so much and why she is so uncharacteristically miserable and grumpy, and am I doing the right thing by cuddling her when she is kicking off, it doesn't feel right to me to leave her or ignore her.

I do work 4 days a week but pick her up every day and give tea, bath etc and give her bottle in the morning before I go to work so I give her as much of my time on my working days as I can.

Your thoughts much appreciated, please excuse the ramble!

OP posts:
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colditz · 21/07/2010 19:17

I think a lot of babies go through this stage of their development. In order to attach her to her dad, you may have to go out and leave her with him. As for the tantrums - get used to it, and don't bend over backwards to stop them happening because if she's going to erupt, she's going to erupt over something and it may as well be something you don't care much about.

littleduck · 21/07/2010 20:10

Thanks Colditz

She spends more of her time with me than her Dad (I am with her Fri Sat Sun but he is only with us on Sun as he works the other days) so I suppose it is not surprising that she is more attached to me.

I appreciate tantrums will happen and are most likely to happen at the end of the day when she is tired, plus so much else is going on for her now. I just wonder if we are handling them in the best way.

She seems so irritable and grumpy at the moment and it is such a contrast to her normal happy little self. Maybe it is part of the age she is at but if not it is a worry to me that she seems so miserable and I wonder what is upsetting her

OP posts:
colditz · 21/07/2010 20:13

I'd dose her with calpol. Once you drop her pain levels a bit you will see a massive improvement of mood.

NightLark · 21/07/2010 20:23

Can I just say I agree with Colditz.

Your DD sounds just like mine (16 months, and has been this way for a couple of months now).

We get arched back creeping across the floor like a backwards caterpillar, while screaming furiously.

Same kick-off points as well, though we have recently added "MINE", screamed whenever she can't have something she wants!

I cuddle whenever I can, but, to be honest, ignore a fair bit. DD is my second child, and I think I've got a bit 'harder' over tantrums. They just happen, force of nature style. So long as she is safe I sometimes just let her get on with it as cuddling makes it worse.

It's OK, it's normal, and it may well be teeth as DD often calms fantastically half an hour after calpol.

littleduck · 21/07/2010 21:42

Thanks guys not sure if teeth as she wasn't this way when she cut the 6 that she has! Last 2 times tried to give calopl she flat out refused to take it and normally she loves the stuff and is delighted to have it!

OP posts:
colditz · 21/07/2010 23:20

At her age, probably molars and they hurt a lot more than the front teeth. As for getting the calpol in, hold her down and use a syringe

Bumpsadaisie · 22/07/2010 12:15

My DD will be 14 months soon and is going thru a difficult phase at the mo. Sleeping to pot (waking up at 4am and ONLY MUMMY will do, even though daddy and I have shared night duty this far which she has been very happy with).

If you do something she doesn't like, she arches her back, screams, sobs, thrashes her limbs like the world is coming to an end. It probably feels that way to her, thinking about it, she hasn't got much perspective on life yet!

I find the best thing on the tantrums is -

  • only fight the battles you need to fight - do you really have to take that thing from her right now or start her bath right now? Could it wait a couple of minutes? By then she will have moved on to sth else!
  • If you are going to/need to insist, then do it quickly and firmly. Take the thing off her, put it out of sight, then pick up and run to the window giggling "look look, tweet tweet, a birdie!" and pointing like a maniac. Usually this works to distract!
  • on the separation thing, I think you have to honour their feelings as much as you can. They are programmed to demand what they need to feel secure, and if you can calm their anxiety now they will be more confident later I am sure.

But God it's hard work isn't it! My DD is just the same - DH has her half the week and when I am not there she is fine with him, affectionate, happy, etc etc. The minute I am home, it is as if he didn't exist. Only mummy will do, if mummy is around! I am so tired of not even being able to have a shower without feeling like I am abusing my child - she sits on the bathmat sobbing racking sobs and saying mamamamama, holding out her hands in total despair with tears running down her cheeks. I feel such a cow! But what can you do! She can see me, she knows where I am, I speak softly to her while I am in the shower, I sing to her etc . I don't see that I can do much more and she is just going to have to cope for 5 mins.

Oh dear, that turned into a rant! (Sorry have been up since 4am with DD!)

Lozario · 23/07/2010 11:17

Bumpsadaisie I know what you mean - in the mornings DH holds DS (it's their only time together as DH doesn't get home in time to see him -prebedtime) and I have to get dressed as quickly as possible after my shower as DS is just going MAMAMAMAMA arms outstretched whilst my poor DH tries to tell him a story!! He has to take him downstairs now just so I have 5 minutes of solitude to get dressed in. DH says as soon as I'm out of sight, DS is a lot calmer.

DS is 13 months so at the same kind of stage as OP's DD. We distract or ignore, probably 50:50. Sometimes he goes mental in the highchair for no reason and so I just ignore him and do the washing up or something - he is usually shocked into submission ("What?? Slave is IGNORING ME???!") and then when I go over to him he's ok again.

Recently I've worried that this aspect of DS's behaviour is an indication that he's going to be a MONSTER (although DH thinks it's because he's "gifted"??!) but the more people I speak to, the more it does just seem like age-appropriate behaviour. Which is some (only some...) consolation....

Lozario · 23/07/2010 11:18

PS - we're cutting molars too. The joys.

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