Please Help. My 3 year old is horrible!

[Julezboo]

I love him dearly I do but I cannot take anymore of his horrid behaviour.

Over the last 7 weeks I have been struck down with severe pregnancy sickness and was hospitalised at one point, could barely lift my head off the pillow most days so DS2 has been going to MIL's. Now I know she lets him do whatever the hell he wants, still gives him drinks for bed etc... but I was ill, DH has to work full time because it is our only income so I had to choose my battles.

He is the same whenever he comes back from hers and I want to stop him going but as se is the only family we have near and are struggling at the moment with my sickness we have no other option. Talking to her is pointless because SHE knows best and always has.

He smacks, bites, strangles and pushes my eldest boy, whenever either of us ask him to do anything he shouts at us in a screechy voice. He WILL NOT listen when we talk normally at him and I have spent the whole day today shouting, talking, crying and him screeching, crying and throwing things.

He is turning into a horrible child and as much as I love him right now I dont like him very much.

I know we have to stop him going from MIL's. I will do my best to limit the time he is there. What can I do, naughty step doesnt work, that just turns into a big battle that goes on all day, and by the time he gives up he has no clue why he is there.

Cbeebies only works for a short time because as soon as a programme comes on which he doesnt like he just cries and cries.

Him and his brother cannot play together without fighting (brother is 8 years old)

Bed times are hell, he will not stay in bed and has broken his door off teh hinges by closing it on the gate to get the gate off, we tightened the gate and he now just jumps over it.

I am not coping today and I want my lovely little boy back.

I have tried rewards, charts, bribes. I am at the end of my tether. My neighbours must think we are horrible because there is just shouting all day everyday.

I'm so sorry that you're having a hideous time and that you're feeling unwell.

A few suggestions for what it's worth...

Can you go out somewhere - park/fields where your boys can go wild and run about and burn their energy off? Maybe somewhere totally new/different where you can also think clearly about being the mummy you want to be

Can he explain why he's behaving like this - when my DS is playing up I find that repeating 'use words' helps as it encourages him to use the rational part of his brain not the animal part...

Have you read 'Happiest toddler on the block?' - it is actually for the behaviour of 1-5 year olds and is a quick read and easily absorbed - doesn't need you to be totally concentrating or anything....

Do you think his behaviour is linked to you being pregnant? Can you give him a specific job to do that shows him how responsible you think he is - I use this trick on my DH and he always responds well Again I think it's because it fires up the rational part of his brain rather than the animal part...

And just cuddle him and tell him you love him as much as you can bear - when his behaviour isn't being totally awful...

Hope that helps and I hope you feel better soon...

Crikey. It can't be easy.
I'm thinking it sounds like he wants your attention. So spending time with him doing nice things when you're feeling better might make a big difference.
But it sounds like there's not a lot you can do about the situation just now. And once you're able to it could take a little while to turn things around.
I was sick throughout the whole of my pregnancy (not as bad as you though) I know it's just awful.

TBH I think this is probably a lot more to do with your sickness/pregnancy/being in hospital than being spoilt by his granny. ALL grannies spoil their grandchildren, and the children do learn that there are different rules and expectations with parents. It is a fairly normal part of childhood for an awful lot of children.

He is too young to understand why you have changed (in his eyes) and he is probably angry, frightened and insecure.

I do understand BTW, having had horrific hyperemesis myself, and my MIL was terrible for undermining me with DS1 while I was pregnant with DS2.

I think you have to let go of the stress and resentment of your MIL, because that will only make your sickness worse.

Try to accept that she loves ds, he won't be ruined for ever, and just focus on reassuring him that you will get better and you love him.

Mine survived all the spoiling, undermining and sheer madness of MIL's behaviour, and have grown up happy and well adjusted. I am sure your DS will too.

I really hope you begin to feel better soon.

Also - remember that when small children are stressed they regress, and you have to lower your expectations of their level of development, you may well need to handle ds as you would a 2 year old, not a 3 yr old. That might make things a bit easier.

Oh crikey I'm afraid I don't have a huge amount of practical advice but I do have lots and lots of sympathy.

I went through something similar with dd1, although, maybe because she is a girl, not so violent and extreme.

We had a dreadful 6 months or so around the time she turned three, and this came just a few months after the birth of her sister. We had to move house and country three times in the course of a very short period (totally out of our control) and ended up living for a short period without DH, who had to go back to the country we had left.

Dd1 was a nightmare and I remember thinking like you, what must the neighbours think of all this screaming. I was at my wits end - although not pregnant like you, I did have dd2 to look after.

Anyway, in the end we just had to get through it. We've had another unsettled year and more to come, but dd1 is now a pleasant, sweet 4-year-old, with whom I can reason and talk to and who rewards me every day with her maturity.

Now I just have to worry about dd2!

Sorry to hear you are feeling so low. If you are getting to the end of your tether why not call a helpline who may be able to advise you? YoungMinds runs one for behaviour or problems. You could call them on 0808 802 5544. Good luck.

Thanks all,

KnitternotTwitter - I am not strong enough to take them out on my own yet, plus the rain here has been pretty heavy and as well live in the middle of nowhere, the park at the back will be flooded.

He is generally a cuddly boy, he came back from nans last night and me and him snuggled on the sofa till 8pm for a good few hours and again this morning he climbed into bed with me and we snuggled watching films.

3littlefrogs, MIL is a bit different to most grannies, for some reason when I am pregnant she goes a bit jealous like and treats me horribly, we have come to blows recently because she was treating my eldest son horribly (hes not her real grandchild, but she adored him until DS2 came along!) For example, if DC's have a vomiting and pooey bug, we specifically ask her not to give them food, just drinks, she will do it and they will be violently sick and she doesnt see she has done wrong. When I was pregnant with DS2 she told DH I had been beating her up and ignoring her when she spoke to me quite shocking really, it all came to a head and she told me I was a terrible mother and I will drive my kids away.

I have done a lot for MIL so there is no resentment, he calms down ALOT when hes here for a long time without going there, his behaviour only changes when he comes from her house.

Amazingly since I posted this he has been sat at the other end of the sofa for a whole hour without crying or shouting watching cartoons on TV I know it will get better, I just dont ever remember DS1 being this bad at this age.

Ah - it does sound as if she is extremely difficult. Your DH needs to support you in this and help to restrict the time your Ds spends with her. This isn't just spoiling, this is deliberate sabotage. I can understand your frustration.

Is there any chance of help from anywhere/anyone else?

Do you feel well enough to spend as much time as possible out of doors?

I vividly remember going to the local park at 8.00am, and taking loads of bags to be sick in (for me, not Ds1) - he was calmer outside.

Sorry - just seen your comment about the weather and your local park.

My mum is coming down for a week on the 31st, se cant get here sooner due to lack of funds and broken car. DH is doing amazing, he completely takes over when he comes in and gives them breakfast before he goes.

We are struggling financially since I was made redundant just before xmas so cant afford to pay for any child care else where. Just going to have to plod through it and limit te time he goes there.

Julezboo, hope things get better soon. I have a 3 year old dd who can be awful at times and I feel like I'm living an episode of Super Nanny. We've had a really unsettled couple of years as I had 2 miscarriages followed by the birth of ds a couple of months ago. I think that in retrospect she definitely picks up on what's going on and her behaviour has been in response to my mood and the changes in her routine. The worst thing is that I'm a teacher and should therefore have a perfect child..I have however found that things I would do in the classroom such as just trying to always keep calm no matter how frustrated I am and to give her positive examples of responses to things have really helped. I also talked to her recently about being angry and now she does say 'I'm cross' at times which I think is stopping her from shouting or hitting out.. Good luck