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My son keeps hitting other children. Any advice please....

14 replies

Cracker · 22/07/2003 15:13

My son is 22 months - fun sociable and outgoing. BUT he constantly pushes any children of his age or younger. He picks on one child in a playgroup and goes back and back for pushes. He then comes back to me saying "I push". I have tried everything I can think of - I take him to a seperate place and exclude him whilst making a fuss of the child that cries. I tell him that if he does it again we will go home and follow this through.

My eldest is 4 1/2 and was often the victim of the "bully" in social situations and I know how much it upset me. I can't bear the fact that it is now my child upsetting other people and their parents.

My youngest just doesn't seem to care if he's told off, or excluded. In fact if his nanny takes him to see a friend while I am a work he comes home and tells me he pushed the friend over.

He spends much of his time playing rough and tumble with 4 and 5 year olds in our shared garden and they laugh at his games. I do wonder whether this is some of the problem. How can I make him understand that he has to be far more gentle with small children?

I have another child on the way so really need to nip this one in the bud!

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aloha · 22/07/2003 16:30

I sympathise Cracker, I am seeing something like this in my son too. He has started doing a funny grabby thing at other toddler's (mainy boys) clothes, which frightens them. He's been pushed over a lot too, particularly by one child his own age who just walks up, like your ds, and shoves! I think they are just revelling in their new 'power' - their strength and ability to amazing things to other people. I actually wonder if it quite natural for toddlers to play mainly with kids their own age. It wouldn't happen in a family usually. My ds also loves the company of 4year olds - especially girls - and has huge fun with them. I am actually not sending him to nursery for at least another six months because of this. Obviously I tell him off for grabbing, put him outside the door etc etc, and I keep a very, very close eye on him too. I am also avoiding putting him with too many other toddlers and see more of slightly older children, with whom he is totally OK. He is fine with small babies as they don't seem to be a challenge to him in the same way. I know he will grow out of it eventually but I too would be interested in any other advice.

jodee · 22/07/2003 18:04

Sympathies from me too, Cracker. DS (3.4y) has just come through this (after about 9 months) and out the other side, and really, there was 'nothing' that I said or did which got him to stop, it's a phase some of them go through, and he realised in the end that he had to stop hitting. I would tell him until I was blue in the face 'no hitting, or you will go home' but he went right ahead and did it anyway, always to kids his own age (height?) or younger. The message eventually got through to him and he now says to me 'I mustn't hit, Mummy'.

I have to say that it's interesting you are now on the other side of the fence, as I personally found it very upsetting to be thought of as having a bullying child and whilst most parents were understanding (their children had been through the same phase), it was hurtful when, after I had dived straight in to stop ds and apologised, the parent snubbed me or said (I quote) "what a horrible boy, you should keep him under control".

I hope I haven't offended you, Cracker, that's the last thing I would want to do, and I really hope it's a very very short phase that your ds is going through!

Jimjams · 22/07/2003 18:18

sounds like you're doing the right stuff- as jodee said there's not much you can do. DOn't think of him as a bully though- he's not yet 2- he really doesn't understand! I'm sure I'll have this with ds2. He continually takes things off his 4 year old brother (who always gives in) so he's just going to expect to get stuff from others.

FWIW I think its highly unlikely a 2 year old could do much damage to another 2 year old- especially with an adult watching (so they're not being shoved down the stairs or something!)

codswallop · 22/07/2003 19:17

sorry I am going to use the ph word..(whispers) phase.....

Any mother worth their salt will recognise this when your son wacks and as long as you sound suitably outraged they should understand....

aloha · 22/07/2003 19:41

Actually I only put my ds out of the room for biting, because that does hurt other kids. I genuinely don't think he ever had a real grasp that it hurt anyone, but the consequence - a few minutes on his own - was so unpleasant for him it did seem to stop it (touch wood). I don't hold a grudge against the boy who pushes ds, or his mother. It's all just part of the Lord of The Flies world of the average toddler IMO. One of the reasons I sometimes avoid meeting up with other 2yr olds is that I hate telling ds off all the time - especially when it's pretty pointless and all really aimed at reassuring the other parent.

Jimjams · 22/07/2003 19:58

Aha Aloha- I could write a 1000 word article on having to tell ds1 off to appease other parents. I don't mind so much with ds2 as he has a pretty good grasp of what is going off and require normal telling off, but ds1 does need to be dealt with differently and I hate playing to the public crowd. Especially when I know it's not helping him at all.

aloha · 22/07/2003 20:08

Oh Jimjams, it isn't fair on them sometimes, is it? Maybe we should all be less focussed on seeing the other child 'properly told off'. Any successful strategies in dealing with other parents?

Jimjams · 22/07/2003 20:31

aahhh well now- my skin is now as thick as old hide, and to be honest I spend most of my time socialising with mums of auti kids. So no, no strategies I'm afraid.

fio2 · 22/07/2003 20:38

any funny looks off parents and you take them by the scruff of the neck, drag them outside and beat them only joking but have wanted to do that on several occasions

dinosaur · 22/07/2003 20:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Cracker · 24/07/2003 19:50

Thank you all so much for such reassuring words! It's so good to hear that the words "phase" and "grow out of" used as it is what I expected and yes - it is that awful sense that I need to be seen to be "dealing with" his unruly behaviour! Am feeling much better about it all now! Thanks.

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Baba · 24/07/2003 19:53

I have to say that my ds is 14 months old and slaps everything including me in the face all the time. He also headbutts me and although he sounds like a nightmare, he really is a loving little boy.

However, his slapping is really beginning to get on my nerves and become embarrassing. He used to pull my hair really hard and now he doesn't do it anymore - just slaps me. I have tried ignoring him, saying no, shouting at him, hitting him back (that definetly didn't work!) and slapping his leg at which point I left a massive red handprint on his leg and he cried. Won't be doing that again either - poor little thing.

Any ideas or is this just a phase too???

Holly02 · 24/07/2003 23:21

Cracker & Baba, I think a lot of it is their age. My ds has just turned 3 but I've gone through this phase with him over the last couple of months. It has mostly stopped now but for a while there he was hitting other kids (usually with an implement of some kind!) or taking their toys away from them. We seem to have overcome it quite a lot by repeatedly telling him that it's naughty to hit other children and by removing him from the situation. For instance if he did it at playgroup, he would be told once to stop it, and if he persisted we would just take him home. Several times dh and I sat down with him and told him it was wrong to hit other children and I think this (plus taking him home when he does it) has helped to stop it. It may still happen again from time to time, but it has definitely improved.

Having said that, ds is now 3 so is able to understand a lot better - it's very hard to reason with younger children so it's probably best to just reprimand them and keep removing them from the situation until they get the message. Good luck.

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