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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is my son gifted/ASD?

49 replies

paranoidofStaffs · 19/07/2010 22:04

Help...my 4 year old is a happy chatty boy, clever but not able to read. Nursery teacher now saying he may have autistic tendancies and/or may be gifted.

Never noticed anything out of the ordinary with him. He does hate buttons, is having lots of tempers lately and has regressed at nursery by wetting himself (not so bad at home). However, I had words with nursery as i caught them strapping him to a chair as a punishment and they kept dressing him in girls clothes (and on one occasion with buttons so tight he couldnt bend over), they let him sleep too long so he was sleeping late at night and I decided the wetting was anxiety.

Nursery say he concetrates well for long periods and likes the company of adults/gets frustarted with the other children.

Am I mad or am i duty bound to think something is wrong?

OP posts:

SingleMumAndProud · 20/07/2010 09:47

You arn't listening to anybody on this thread! Tying a child to a chair to punish him is NOT acceptable. How did they do this anyway?

You say you think he is happy there but yet you also think he is wetting himself because of being ancious?

maxybrown · 20/07/2010 09:48

I'm sorry but once would be too much - the excuses are ridiculous - a new member of staff?? Like that makes it ok? Did the member of staff get sacked? I don't undestand how you find it hard to accept people can be so mean yet you saw them doing it to your child and you still send him there?

It does not sound bad in isolation - it sounds bad. IF you listed a million good things about it and that incident - it would still sound just as bad.

Not at any point did they consider your son, and I would seriously doubt their abilities anyway - to approach you with a "maybe diagnosis" and then to admit they have no experience of these things - that is not how they should be operating, and that is minor compared to the other things that happened.

It all makes me feel a bit funny

lukewarmcupoftea · 20/07/2010 10:36

Once is one time too many. And its not just once is it, if you take into account the bizarre dressing him up and him regressing etc?

I consider myself to be fairly relaxed about different approaches to childcare - and I would not normally even post on a thread like this as nothing really to say - but, seriously, you seem a little too relaxed about this. I wouldn't be withdrawing him gradually, I would be looking urgently at alternatives - even taking some holiday to keep him at home in the interim.

Good luck with finding somewhere where they treat your boy as a little human being, and show him the love and respect he deserves - there are plenty such places/child carers out there.

SingleMumAndProud · 20/07/2010 10:47

I don't think this is real - she is ignoring all advice and not really sounding like a mum at all here - ignoring the fact a nursery are abusing her child . And also, if it was real, why is the OP talking about all these issues, when actually, she is only wanting to know if her child could have SN?

maxybrown · 20/07/2010 10:52

agree single mum - the whole thing is ridiculous.

Original poster

paranoidofStaffs · 20/07/2010 11:08

As a first time user of this site I have completely gone off it now! I looked for some advice and have had helpful advise from family and friends but sometimes the advise here is a little extreme and seems that i am now the guilty one rather than just confused.

Of course I reacted strongly to the nursery and laid down the law and what I wanted to see. i am not totally pasive in this and I am sorting it. But of course as a mother was concerned also about their comments and wanted to get to the bottom of whether it was more of the same from them or some indication that something else is going on - maybe that they are finding it difficult to cope with him or something.

For gods sake i am hardly relaxed about this have been beside myself all week and only happened in the last few days. If that makes me a bad person then fine.

I will not post anything further on this subject now so my silence does not make me mad or bad.

OP posts:

ShirleyKnot · 20/07/2010 11:14

Alright then.

If someone strapped my 4 year old child to a chair, I'd be phoning the police immediately

ShadeofViolet · 20/07/2010 11:14

I agree with Colditz - if its real it sounds like a shit nursery. I would use the summer break to find a new one!

maxybrown · 20/07/2010 11:17

Not at all - but I wouldn't usually post on these matters - it was only what appeared to be your relaxed or unseen (maybe?) attitude towards this. I am of the ilk - what have you been doing (to my child) rather than what have they been doing to you.....but have worked in childcare for 17 years and Husband is a teacher and he was horrified too. It was just that you did appear to be skating around the edeges when everyone offered you advice. I also did state that what they suggested about your son - in the way you described it all, was also very unprofessional.

I still don't understand, though, that if you saw someone strapping your son to a chair,that you would lay down the law and say what you wanted to see - wouldn't that intself be enough to remove him - for his sake?

Even if he was the most worst behaved child ever (though you gave no indication of this) and they can't cope with him, strapping him to a chair and dressing him in purposely small girls clothing - well that IS bullying and it IS abuse, and I'm not even being OTT about it.

Though if you aren't coming back here to discuss it, maybe this post from me is a waste of time anyway?

juicy12 · 20/07/2010 11:19

Of course I reacted strongly to the nursery and laid down the law and what I wanted to see

Your 4-year-old child was strapped to a chair and dressed in girls' clothes that were too small and yet you haven't removed him immediately?? Hell would have to freeze over before I let a child of mine set foot somewhere like that again.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/07/2010 11:20

Good grief woman.

You have had very good advice here - call the bloody police. Forget Ofsted (although I see you've called them already - I'm interested to know what they said)!

ShadeofViolet · 20/07/2010 11:20

Also, I dont think there are many 'gifted' children who cannot read at 4. Lots of 'normal' children cant read at 4.

Its not an either or on ASD/Gifted. They are nearly opposites of each other in alot of ways.

MaryBS · 20/07/2010 11:22

Just wanted to say many gifted people have autistic traits, and vice versa. I was (am) gifted at Maths, and I have Asperger Syndrome.

But nevertheless, I think your nursery has overstepped the boundaries of decency and deserve more than a stiff word, they should be reported. I wouldn't trust anything they said.

I hope you come back and see this.

GooseyLoosey · 20/07/2010 11:31

To address your initial concerns (assuming you are dealing with the nursery - I agree with what everyone else has said about that). I have had similar issues with my own son who is now 7, being assessed for ASD and is pretty bright.

The nursery environment does not sound like a positive one for your son and so you cannot make any judgements based on what they say. Ignore them.

How do you feel about him? Do you think that he does not interact well with other children? Does he not "get" social boundaries and norms? Is there something that you feel is a bit different about him. I could have answered "yes" to all of these - it still does not mean that there is anything at all to worry about, some children take longer to understand social norms than others but get them just fine in the end, but I think it does mean that you should keep an eye on things. But you need to start from what you think about your child - not what this nursery says.

He is 4 so presumably starting school in just 6 weeks. On that basis, even if you have concerns, I think I would wait and see what happens at school in a new environment. If after a few months, you still have concerns then discuss them with the school.

GooseyLoosey · 20/07/2010 11:39

ShadeofViolet - not sure I agree about the reading thing. For what its worth, ds did not learn to read until after he started school. He was then assessed at 5 as have a reading age of 13. He has subsequently been assessed (by the ed psych as part of ASD assessments) as being "exceptionally intelligent".

maxybrown · 20/07/2010 11:47

I agree goosey - although to be fair she did say "not many". But just because one thing is not there does not make someone not gifted. My son is easily operating at age 5 for many things (he is 2) and probably beyond for knowledge and understanding, yet he can't talk so........

SingleMumAndProud · 20/07/2010 11:59

I am sorry if we upset you OP. But you need to address this and not just run away from it because you didn't like the reply.

I am sorry to be harsh. But your child and probably the others in that nursery are being abused. I worked in a shit nursery before and I know how well they are at covering up being shit and how they make you think things are one offs when they get caught out.

If you don't speak out, much worse might happen .

Please come back and sort this out. Or CAT me if you like and I can help you? I didn't mean to be rude, it just didn't seem real, probably just due to things not being clear.

Iamconcerned · 20/07/2010 12:08

I would recommend that you contact Ofsted's Compliance Investigation and Enforcement department with details of your concerns and details of the nursery.

Their telephone number is 0300 123 4666 and is open from 8am until 6pm Monday to Friday. Alterntaviely they can be contacted by email their address is: [email protected]

ReasonableDoubt · 20/07/2010 12:10

I cannot abide people who make sweeping diagnoses that they are not qualified to make! Nursery staff sound quite bonkers, to be honest.

belledechocolatefluffybunny · 20/07/2010 12:15

This doesn't have anything to do with whether he has aspergers/gifted or not. Your child has been abused. We are not being harsh, you wanted honesty and this is what you have got. There's no way in hell I would allow my child to stay in this nursery, how do you know that all is OK when you are not there?

The advice that you have recieved isn't extreme, we all care for the welfare of children, child abuse is everyone's concern. Forcing a child into tight girls clothes is humiliating, strapping a child to a chair is physically restraining them, this is called assault. You need to ask yourself what else they have been doing to your child? For his safety and for the safety of every other child there you really do need to call social services.

thisisyesterday · 20/07/2010 12:53

OP no-one is making you out to be the bad guy, or having a go

but what has happened to your son is a kind of abuse

if that is what they do to a child old enough to tell his parents, and if that's what they allow you to see...... what the hell do you think they are doing to the other childrem???

ffs, it's all well and good saying "i've sorted it, i've told them how i want to change"

well bully for you. so meanwhile all these other kids are being abused and you're happy with that?/

you NEED to inform social service NOW and you need to remove your son.
he is so unhappy he wets himself there.... for god's sake woman, he is your son and you don't seem to care about this

hefferlump · 20/07/2010 20:50

Lets get something absolutely clear here - YOU caught them strapping him into a chair BUT you now find it difficult to to accept people can be so mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get real! Get him out of there immediately if you want to prevent further damage!

Ineed2 · 21/07/2010 16:10

We removed my grand daughter form a nursery for not strapping her into a highchair, shewas one at the time and a real climber. Too use strapping in as a punishment has to be a criminal offence. I think its a shame the OP has got upset over the advice given, it is clear to me that her sons behaviour is a reflection of how unhappy he is.
By the way my Dd1 and Dd3 are gifted but have many austistic traits.

pranma · 21/07/2010 18:05

Are you sure you are in the UK?I can see these practices making front page headlines-get him out of there please.

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