Not sure if something is going on with my 4 year old

[PortiaPie]

My four year old, who is just finishing reception is prone to temper outbursts if he doesn't get his own way. He's fidgety, struggles to wait his turn, snatches, and gets extremely frustrated if he can't do something to a standard which is probably unattainable at such a young age. These traits are proving difficult for his teacher to manage, and an education psychologist will be assessing him in school, also dh and I are taking him to see a child development consultant at the hospital.

He's attacked his teacher on three occasions over the past six months, due to sheer frustration at certain situations. On sports day he collapsed in a heap mid race because his hat blew of in the wind. Yesterday, he was trying to make a bow and arrow work, and the anger was building up in him until I intervened. He seems to want to be the best at everything, and if he's not he'll go ballistic. He operates best when he follows a quite strict routine. Also things need to be in their place, and he gets upset if his hands get wet in the rain, or spills food down himself. He has to sit in the same place, and gets frustrated if there's a change in routine.

There's been a marked improvement with is behaviour since starting school, but the head teacher says there are still concerns about him.

The other children in his class are remarkably well behaved, bar a couple of exceptions, and I really don't think the school sees this kind of behaviour very often. He has friends, but he pokes them and gets 'in their faces' for attention.

Apart from the behavioural issues, he reads very well, can concentrate, writes and takes part in group activities. He's also very loving, sociable, funny and has a good sense of humour.

I'm just wondering if with age and help he'll learn to manage his behaviour, or if he's got some form of adhd.

I'd be grateful for any advice/suggestions.

Well, if he's reading very well at four, he's clearly very bright. Maybe that's the issue.

You may also find that a different teacher will manage him better, with all due respect to his current teacher. I find that my son's behaviour always depends on his teacher and he has been brilliant in the years that he has had a good and stimulating teacher who valued him and pretty awful when he didn't.

I did wonder about ASD, rather than ADHD, when you described how he likes routine, gets upset by changes, is disturbed by sensory issues (wet hands, food on him), etc. And temper outbursts could be a sign of this too. However, you say he takes part in group activities and is sociable, neither of which sit so comfortably with this.

You could always ask your GP to refer you to CAMHS, as they can help you with behaviour issues. Have been down that road myself.

He sounds like a really bright, lovely boy. I think school is very tough for boys, particularly young boys (have two young boys of my own). Self-control is very difficult for all young children, but maybe especially for young boys, who seem to take longer to develop than young girls.

I hope the educational psychologist and child development expert prove to be of some help.

Best of luck.

Thanks for your reply Toffee. He was referred to CAMHS but they said he didn't 'fit the criteria'

I've also wondered if he's getting along with his teacher, as he seems to respond to her the least. He loves the TA and the Headteacher, who manage him well.

He seems to set the bar too high, and expects too much of himself, which can be a problem.

My eldest ds (8) showed ASD traits at the same age, but without the aggression. With age, they've lessened to the point where they seem to have gone.

I think you're right in saying that boys take a little longer to develop than girls, and I'm hoping that in time he'll get there.

It'll be interesting to see what the child development people have to say.

I don't understand CAMHS saying that - it sounds like you could do with some help from them. However, at least you have other people helping you.

My eldest also showed ASD traits and we had him assessed twice. He is also dyslexic and has OCD traits. However, as he matures, I can see why he didn't get diagnosed, particularly in terms of the empathy he shows. I have been left with ASD radar though,which is why I wondered about your son. It sounds like he doesn't fit the criteria either though.

Anyway, I hope it works out ok for you and your son. It's very upsetting to go through this and have other people assessing your child - I hated it all. However, it's all worth it if they provide some constructive help and advice.

Yes, it is very upsetting. I feel like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards over the last two weeks.

Interesting what you said about empathy. The school say he shows no empathy, but at home he shows it like any other child.

Ds also has OCD traits, which I do too. Strange, my dad has them, and so does my elder brother. The OCD traits are mild in us all, and I'm not worried about this side, it's the aggression which is worrying.

Hi portiapie - doesn't sound typically ADHD to me if he is able to concentrate well, eg to learn to read well at such a young age. Fwiw, his profile sounds extremely similar to my 4yo ds, who won't start school til Jan, in all respects except the aggressive behaviour. I have ASD in my family, and I think my ds1 displays several traits without reaching diagnostic criteria. He too is an early reader and obsessive about numbers and sequences. He needs routine, and insists on always sitting in the same place, is not keen on getting messy and has a fairly low sensory threshold, although he's better able to deal with loud noises etc as he gets older. Like your ds, however, he is extremely sociable and affectionate. He also has advanced language, but tends to express himself in convoluted ways using a sing-song intonation, which strangers can find difficult to understand - also typical of high functioning ASD I believe.

It sounds like your ds, like mine, is a lovely bright little boy with lots going for him. The only point of concern would be managing his frustration. My ds is a perfectionist too, but tends just to refuse point blank to try anything that he doesn't think he's good at! Perhaps the ed psych/ dev consultant could help you find strategies for this? Good luck.

Thanks for your reply woofie.

I too don't think he has adhd, although his teacher said he had. She isn't qualified to make this diagnosis, and I think she's since realised that she was a bit hasty in her opinions. Yes, your son sounds very like mine, but without the aggression. This bit I find hard, and obviously his teacher does as well.

It's a shame because he can make himself quite miserable because of his frustrations. I'm hoping with time he'll be able to control himself a bit better, but he can sometimes be like a walking time bomb waiting to go off if something isn't quite to his liking.

Like you say, perhaps the ed psych can help with strategies to manage his behaviour, because it can be hard at times to know if I'm managing him in the right way.

I'm sure your little boy will have a great time when he starts school.

Well I'm no expert, but it sounds encouraging that you've noticed an improvement in his behaviour since starting school- that suggests that his mastery of his frustration is getting better, rather than worse, as he gets older and more used to operating in social situations with other children. It sounds also like his difficulties may be exaggerated by comparison with the type of children he shares a classroom with! Not to belittle your concerns, as I'm sure it must be difficult to know how best to contain his anger. Sorry not to be able to offer more constructive advice, but I hope the professionals can. It does sound like there are a lot of positives though.